Freedom

Moving on

2010-03-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

I have decided that this blog is a product of an old season in my life, and so I am no longer going to blog on it. I am, however going to be blogging on my 1alive blog (should I feel like it), so feel free to sign up there to receive updates.
-Tara

1Alive posts

2010-01-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

January 11, 2010
New Oceans
I read a quote in a book yesterday that I thought was so completely pertinent in my life right now. this is from memory, so give me some grace:

A man cannot explore new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the familiar shore.

I feel like that is what I am having to do on a near constant basis right now. My love is leading me into this wonderful world of his, but it requires that I let go of the familiar shore of spirituality and religion. It’s seems so much easier to bind myself to a system of thought, rather than just living moment to moment opening my heart to Him. However, the more I open myself up, the more I discover about myself, the more free and wonderful I feel. It’s as though he is showing me just how wonderful I really am in truth, how he really sees me, and taking away all the lies I’ve believed about myself. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done…yet, somehow, the difficulty in it blows me away. I guess it wouldn’t be very rewarding to cross a mullhill anyway (I mean where’s the drama in that?), while climbing Mount Everest would make me feel alive!

Comments:
Well said! Leaving the familiar is not as easy as it looks, but when you do, you wounder why you didn't do it sooner. The reward far out ways the loss of the comforts of the familiar. Like a ship leaving the dock and out to sea where the land fades in the distance to where only open sky and deep blue ocean guides your path, to where we don't know, but one thing we do know, what is found is the reward of a great treasure that are only for the hearty fools and a reckless heart... lover's gold.

January 1, 2010
Choosing Love
I want to love God, because to be without him would mean death to my very soul. It would collapse me from the inside out, because the despair would be too great. I want to love God because he touches me deeper than anyone else has ever touched me. Because his scent hypnotizes, his taste satisfies, and his touch reaches the very spot I need it to.
I do not want to love God because it is the right thing to do. I don’t want to love God for fear of disappointing him. I do not want to love God for fear of Hell. I do not want to love God so that I will not be evil. I do not want to love God because I will be judged by others if I do not.
I want to love my husband because something about him makes me come alive. I want to love him because his eyes draw me in, capturing my heart with their every passionate glance. I want to love him, because whether it be in a crowded room or in a room with just the two of us, he is the most interesting, the best looking, and the one with the most charisma. I want to love my husband, because if given the choice daily, I’d choose him over any other guy, no contest. I want to love him, because his hands are strong, his heart is soft, and his mind is genius.
I do not want to love my husband because I made a commitment to him. I do not want to love my husband for my children’s sake. I do not want to love my husband for fear of hurting his feelings. I do not want to love my husband because it’s the right thing to do.
And there is something 100 times more powerful about choosing to love purely because you want to, rather than loving for the sake of someone or something else.
This is a new discovery.
-T
Comments:
Perhaps one day Tara I will find a woman who will love like you do...a rare thing to find.

December 14, 2009
Ghandi
I thought about Ghandi today. How he said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I used to view that as how I wanted others to act towards me. How I wanted the world to function. The system I thought everyone should follow. A religion, a government, kindness towards all, you know the drill.
But today, as I pondered what I’d like to see change in the world, I came to a completely different conclusion. The change I’d like to see is everyone free. Free to be who they were meant to be, before the opinions, theories, and ideas of all those around them changed them into who the world wanted them to be. I’d like to see people completely free to express their hearts, even if not another soul on the planet agrees. A people that can really love themselves. A people that can see the beauty in our differences and similarities. A people not afraid to expose their thoughts and desires. A people not afraid of other people’s opinions, strengths and weaknesses. Anger, joy, zealousness, peace, melancholy, happiness. What does your heart say right now in this moment?
So this is my journey towards being the change I want to see in this world. My journey of exposing my heart, no matter what’s in there. And hoping that somewhere along the lines, others will feel loved enough to do the same.

Comments:
How about the admonition in Isaiah 51:12-15 where God says…Who are you that you fear mortal man and the sons of man that are but grass?…that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor…who is this oppressor? I am the Lord your God…the Lord Almighty is his name…who say to Zion…’you are my people’!
We get so wrapped up in the terror’s of the world, and the opinions of others that we forget they are but dust, and the Lord is sooooo… much bigger than them!We’ve been made more than conquerors….let’s go out today with that attitude!
How about the admonition in Isaiah 51:12-15 where God says...Who are you that you fear mortal man and the sons of man that are but grass?...that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor...who is this oppressor? I am the Lord your God...the Lord Almighty is his name...who say to Zion...'you are my people'!
We get so wrapped up in the terror's of the world, and the opinions of others that we forget they are but dust, and the Lord is sooooo... much bigger than them!
We've been made more than conquerors....let's go out today with that attitude!
Julie

December 14, 2009
A Child's Heart
My children are so innocent and wonderful! It has been raining here the last few days making for really soft, muddy dirt in the back yard. Naturally then, today they were out digging in it (two of them barefoot!*), when they discovered a “dinosaur bone.” It did look like a bone, but I’m thinking maybe some previous resident dog’s lost treat. They were so excited! Then they began to find other pieces, such as teeth and a small skull (rocks). My two oldest knew they were playing, but I think secretly hoping it was true that they could discover dinosaur bones. My youngest (5) was into the search, but in a calm, scientific way, as if it were his everyday job to discover such things. It’s amazing watching them. If only one could maintain their innocence, their self confidence, the sense in themselves that they can do anything, go anywhere, and love anybody. If only I could find a way to open their hearts forever, and never let another person close it up. Can I even live to that standard? That’s the way I want to be. That’s who I want to be. I want to see the wonderful beauty in all people. The part of them that has been buried from childhood when someone told them they were wrong for feeling or thinking the way they were meant to. To restore myself and those around me into their innocence. Wouldn’t that be beautiful?
-Tara

Epiphany

2010-01-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

After 4 years of searching to find the meaning of life, and being willing to do anything to find it, I have come to the simplest of conclusions: to live and to love. Love being the driving force, living being the symptom of loving, and loving being truth. Truth being the exposure of the heart…no matter what should lie there. So, this is my song, my living, my life, for all to see. Why? because it’s fun!

Confession

2010-01-11T10:16:00.000-08:00

I have to confess something to my blog followers. I stopped blogging for awhile to gather myself a bit. I was in this in-between state of understanding. And while I previously have made entries in this in-between state, I backed off from doing it this time, as I had come under some scruteny from readers about my statements and decisions in life. Then, as if that wasn't chicken enough already, I created an entirely different blog, which I have now had 5 posts on, apart from your audience. Today, however, I realized that I have nothing to hide. And, I actually love a good debate, so please keep commenting. What I am going to do is this: I will transfer the posts from my other blog to this site, and begin again in this moment.
-tara

A Garden of Plenty

2009-08-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

I was in a garden with walls and high gates. I was happy there, for I knew nothing more. But the Lord came and dismantled the gates and tore down the walls. He said to me, “Roam where you want. Do whatever you please. Anything you want, is yours.”

At first I was overwhelmed. Where do I go? What do I do?

I began to explore and I found great food and joyful parties. I found large kingdoms and all the riches of the world.

I went deeper in and I found miracles, signs, and wonders. I saw worshippers of the Lord and people manifesting all His greatness. And I saw all that I could be, in all God’s glory.

Then I turned around and I saw my God. And all else became like dust and ash to me. It was lifeless and dull, and had a draw no longer. So, I ran to my God, my love, and I stayed with him. I communed with him. I laughed with Him. And I loved him. And He was well pleased, for I had chosen Him, and Him alone, in all my freedom.

-Tara

Clarity

2009-07-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

Wanted to clarify:

I love the Bible. It's just not my God. The Lord uses it all the time to affirm me in what He is telling me. It's almost like He's saying, "Look, I've said this before." It also shows me all the wonderful stories and history of God. It shows me how important it is to remember what God has taught me and done for me. It is beautiful and great. I actually enjoy it more now that God is revealing it. Who better to explain it than Him? I love all things of the Lord, however, I am willing to let go of all things, should they hinder me from greater relationship with the Lord.

-Tara

Why I Am Where I Am

2009-07-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

This is another e-mail response that really gives an overview of my journey of how I got to be where I am now. It is much more elaborate than this in practice, but it takes the reader through some of the thought process. This was actually in response to a dear friend challenging me with Mormonism as an option for my life. Please note: All of these responses were in love, not rudeness or anger. I really appreciate the challenge from my friends.

None of us, not one, has a full and complete understanding of who God is. We may know pieces, and some of us know more pieces than others, but not one of us knows Him completely…yet. So, if the Lord were to keep himself from us until we understood him in his fullness, than none of us would have relationship with God. So, the Lord meets us where we are and begins to reveal pieces of Himself, his love. If and when we respond to that love, then He reveals more of himself to us.

You see, we love because He first loved us. He loves, we respond.

3 years ago, the Lord ventured to take me further into him. It was a whole new step. My dad gave us a book called, “A New Kind of Christian.” I never read it, but DH did. DH began sharing with me the things it was saying. I don’t even remember what it said, but I remember it made me angry. I was livid! I thought, “How can they say things like that!? They are so wrong!”

Yet, the arguments were pretty strong. Strong enough to make me wonder.

Never before in my life had I questioned my religion. But I found myself doing just that. I was so upset that I would even consider it. The more I heard, however, the more I considered it. Not necessarily considering what the book was saying to be true, but really just taking a hard look at my faith.

I realized that my faith was one of my defining features. It was part of who I was. I was a Christian. I stood by Christianity and believed it my whole life. I believed in God, that was not in question. He had proven himself to me too many times for me not to. With all this going through my mind, confusion took over.

I can remember this exact moment. I was standing in the kitchen, doing dishes, and I felt like the world was spinning around me. I could see all my beliefs flying around my head. I didn’t know which ones to grab onto. I probably would have fainted soon, but something happened. I distinctly felt the Lord grab my face. He looked me right in the eye and said, “Hey! It’s about you and me, and that’s it.” Then it was as if someone hit the gravity switch, and all the things around me fell to the ground.

That was the beginning of my religious stripping.

Then the Lord gave me a vision. As I prayed, the Lord came on me and said, "What everyone needs is me. I AM. I AM the want in everyone’s soul. I am the very thing you’re always looking for. When you want chocolate, you’re really wanting me. When you breath, you’re really needing me. When you are hungry, you’re really wanting me. Your body was designed for me, and everything you do is a result of searching for me. So the answer to what anyone needs is me, because I AM everything you need.” As He spoke, He filled me so completely with his presence, that I received the full sensation of what He was talking about. I was high off of it for weeks. Like Moses coming down from the mountain, except I wasn’t glowing.

After that, I went to church and the pastors words were like dust and ash compared to the words of the Lord. Why would I listen to them when I could hear it straight from the source? The Lord showed me He wanted me to stop going to church. As much as this felt contradictory to what I had always believed about God, I was thinking differently now, so I stopped going.

Over the next 3 years, the Lord took me on a journey of showing me more and more about Himself. Books, dreams, circumstances, anything. The spirit was a constant interpreter. He showed me more and more of His love. I began to see how blind I was.

One day I was asking the Lord to tell me more about Himself and He said, “I AM. I am just me. I cannot describe myself with words, any more than someone could describe you. Someone could write a whole book about you, but unless they spent time with you, they would never really know you. They would just know about you. It is the same with me. You can read all about me, hear all about me, but until you spend time with me, you will never know me. Therefore, I AM. Therefore, take away all my labels, and I am taking away all of yours. Let’s just know each other.”

Another time, He expanded on this. He said, “I am taking you to a place where you will listen to me, and me alone. You will no longer compare what I tell you with any religion, idea, cause, or box. Take me out of all your boxes. Let it all go. You are no longer a Christian. When you label yourself in any religion, you place me in a box. When I act outside of that box, you reject that part of me, and refuse to walk in it. I am bigger than any box you can conceive.”

Since then, I haven’t been a “Christian.”

As far as “universalism,” since that would be the red flag going up in most religions at this point. I’m not clear on it. I don’t have to be, because my opinion won’t change it anyway. I honestly don’t even think about it much.

What I have seen, now that I’m not blinded with fear by other people’s beliefs, is that God is working in Christianity, Mormonism, Catholics, Atheists, Muslims, The Emerging Church, Universalists, etc... Wherever there is love, the Lord is there. The enemy is incapable of love. I can see different pieces of Him in those different places. They are the pieces their box has allowed in.

Where He decides to take people from there, or how He decides to judge them, is out of my understanding right now.

However, I do believe that if we continue to respond to God, He will continue to reveal more and more of himself to us, as this is His desire. He wants to love us and have us receive His love. As He reveals more of Himself to us, we will naturally come into alignment with him. It’s about the journey, not the destination. It’s about a relationship, not a belief system. I am no longer anxious about it. I will follow wherever He leads. Because ultimately, “It’s about me and Him, and that’s it.”

Heaven and Hell Explanation

2009-07-16T23:26:00.001-07:00

Here is another e-mail response I wanted to share. I have a dear friend that wanted to know what my new opinion on heaven and hell was. This is what I wrote to her.

My ideas about heaven and hell have changed, but are not yet definitive. The main thing that has changed, is that I no longer believe it to be the point. The Christian church is all about "saving you from hell," but I disagree. I don't believe hell is what Jesus came to save us from. I believe Jesus came to set us free from the bondage sin put us in. When we were put into the bondage, we were separated from the Father. I believe when Jesus died, his sin covered everyone, not just those that have faith.

However, I believe that no one can enter the "Kingdom" unless they have relationship with God, through Jesus. Hence, "No one can enter the Kingdom except through me." Yet, I do not believe the Kingdom is heaven. I believe, but am reserving the right to change my mind on this, that Heaven and Earth are places, and the "world" and the "kingdom" are mindsets (for lack of a better term.)

I don't even think about hell.

The Kingdom is an indescribable place where God resides and his authority reigns. The kingdom is the place where you can "ask anything in my name, and it will be given to you." This is why I believe it says, "Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." It is the authority and presence of God. I believe you can be on earth and in the Kingdom at the same time. I hypothesize that would mean you could be in heaven and in the world at the same time.

I commonly experience the kingdom. I have also experienced being "born again." Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot enter the kingdom." Before I actually experienced it, I thought being born again meant "accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and savior." I now know that when I did that it was my "conception," not birth. Being born was a tedious road of stripping away the foundation of the enemy and squeezing me through a narrow canal out into the kingdom on the other side. (This almost killed me.) Then, having the Lord start me out as a baby, building my foundation on Him, and relationship with Him. I have no other way to describe it than that. I truly believe it has to be experienced, and that only God can do it. There is no set formula or speech to get one there.

I believe the "world" is the enemies mindset. It is a facade to distract us and get us to worship him and his ways. I believe the central theme of the enemy's kingdom is money. Hence, "you cannot serve both God and money. In the "world" we make it a God, letting it define us and using it as our security. This does not mean I believe everyone that has money is evil. I just know it to be the tool the enemy uses most. In the rich and the poor. It makes people that are poor feel "less than," and people who have money feel "better than." Forcing us to define ourselves by our financial (or success) status, rather than who the Lord says that we are. It consumes our minds and constant thoughts and has corrupted men for all time. However, "the World" is manifested in multiple ways.

The subject of Hell hasn't really come up between the Lord and I, so I figure it must not be the point, or He probably would have made it urgent. Again, I reserve the right to change my opinion. Hope that explains what I think somewhat. It's really hard to describe, and I never have before.

Talk to you soon,

Tara

Some Explanation

2009-07-16T23:17:00.000-07:00

After some of my last posts, I received a mixed response. It made me realize I should elaborate on some things. Here is one of the responses I got (I've left out names for their privacy), along with my response to them:

Hi Tara,
Your last blog had some crazy stuff in it and really sounds like you might be conflicted in several areas in your life. I hope you are using the Bible as your ultimate guide and remember that the Lord doesn't want us to be totally emotionally driven and be thrown about like waves in the sea James 1:5 states "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives to all generously and without reproach and it will be given to them. v6. But he must ask in faith without any doubting for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." I guess I got from your blog that you aren't sure of your authority and that everyone and their doctrine points to God. God was clear with that though when he said I AM the one and only true God, I AM THE WAY, TRUTH and LIFE. NOT ALL RELIGIONS TEACH THAT! There was just a lot going on in that blog and I just want you to know that I am bothered by the fact that you are struggling with your foundation. You have Christ and the Bible and all the answers are there!
I am going through a study on James for the second time and It's a very applicable book of the Bible and very straight forward about how Christians need to be living their lives. The Bible is so clear on most everything we deal with, sure some stuff might be grey but not much. I just pray that you are clearly reading and looking to the Bible for your direction in this time of discovery in your life. I also pray for protection for you and your family that Satan doesn't move in in areas that you are unsure or are struggling with.

My Response:

Know that this letter comes to you in love, and that it is with a tender voice, not a judgmental or offended one. That is one downside to e-mail, we assume the tone.

About my blogs: they are a very small snippet of what's going on in my heart and I apologize for not elaborating. You are right however, that I no longer have my foundation in Christianity, but now have it solely in Christ. I no longer possess a doctrine, because I desire to follow God, not a religion. I know how that looks, but I don't care. I have never been more intimate with God. I am willing to follow him anywhere, regardless of what beliefs I have to let go of. My desire is relationship with him and my compass is love, not the Bible. Even the verse you quoted in James says to ask the Lord, and so I am. The Lord reveals the Bible to me, not the other way around. If I am honest in saying that I am fallible, instead of being prideful and unwilling to change, put it to my credit, for the Lord is a gracious God. I have made mistakes and wavered, but I have sought the Lord with all my heart.

Also, know that I am not saying all religions are right, but that all religions are wrong, including Christianity, and Atheism, and whatever else there is out there. Religion is man designed, not God designed. It is man run, not God run. I believe that none of us has a full understanding of who God is, but that God meets us where we are and calls us to Him. He calls, we respond. As long as we respond to Him, he can continue to reveal Himself to us. When we stop responding, or get blocked by a certain belief system we're not willing to let go of, then we cease to know any more about God...yet he loves us still. So, if none of us has a full understanding, how can we say that God is not meeting people with a different understanding than ourselves? It is ridiculous to think that. You do realize that other religions think the exact same thing about Christians. I sat and listened to my Mormon friend give me the EXACT arguments against Christianity that Christians use against them. The exact ones, wording and everything! The Lord is calling us into intimacy, not religion. I believe the Lord meets us where we are, and if we follow Him, we will eventually let go of our religion and seek only him. I also believe the Bible teaches this, yet we have a funny way of interpreting it to say what we all want it to say, don't we? So, I don't consider it a reliable source, in and of itself. I do, however, consider the Holy Spirit extremely reliable, as She seems to be able to make anything and everything about Jesus. She really loves Him. It's amazing really. And She has shown me so many wonderful things in the Bible. None of it interpreted the way I thought it was supposed to. Actually, when interpreted by her, there's a lot less need for "blind faith," or "Grey areas" as things actually start to make sense... well, in a Kingdom way. Anyhow, I'm so glad you challenged me, because it really shows me how much you care about me. I would honestly be somewhat offended if Christians weren't fighting for my soul.

So, fear not, the Lord is with me.

Tara

Religion

2009-07-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

When I look at people in other religions, I am not angry, but gracious. I am gracious because I can let go of the theology, and see their heart towards the Lord. I am not threatened by their religion because I am not afraid it will corrupt me, or even them. I believe the Lord is bigger than our religion. I believe each religion has pieces of God in it. I believe that if a person is seeking God, he will find God. I believe that if they keep their mind and heart open to Him, God will show them the way into His heart.

When I look at Christianity, I am threatened by it. It battles with me. It is too close to home. It still pulls me in and tricks me. It threatens me, so I rebel against it. I am timid in it’s presence and intimidated by those that run it. When a powerful church leader that has taught me so much about God, doesn’t agree with what the Lord is telling me, I doubt my ability to hear the Lord. I doubt what I have heard. I think maybe the Lord only meant it for me, or for a single season in my life. I just assume I am wrong, instead of listening to the voice of God. I don’t just hand them over to the Lord, like I do people in other religions, I try to convert them to my thinking, as this will appease my mind and illiminate the turmoil. Yet, that just makes me another religion. That’s what religion does, it tries to convert others to its singular way of thinking and is threatened by anything else. It is threatened by any other manifestation of God that it cannot comprehend. Lord, strip me of my religious spirit and make me a confident follower of you, and you alone.

It is time to grow up in the Lord. I am no longer a baby with a baby bottle. I am an adult and need to get out from under the wing of my parents (church authorities and leaders). I need to be subject to God and God alone. I hear His voice for myself and He is the ultimate authority over all. If someone disagrees with him, they are wrong. Period. End of discussion.

-Tara

His plan

2009-07-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Wow! I am in awe. We are in such a flow of the Spirit right now. It is such a refreshing time.

The last two days have been grounding, but great. The Holy Spirit showed me that I have been mystified by the local church here. I came here thinking that the church was the reason we were moving up here, but I was wrong. The church is still just another church. No matter how you package it, it's still a church. The Lord showed me that is not why we are here. The people are why we are here. He reminded me that He has taken me out of Christianity and all other boxes and to not fall into that thinking any longer. I am free from it!

God has been bringing us a group of people that are of the same heart, and I am ecstatic. We have been living in our house less than a week, and tonight we had 10 visitors. All of them were wonderful! We threw a birthday party for a new friend who is 45-ish :), and then when they left (and we were cleaning up and getting the kids ready for bed) 6 more people showed up. 5 of them were new people. The second group was a group of artists, and they played music, we sang, saw a spiritual card trick, danced, and talked. Oh yeah, one of the guys had written two songs, one for me and one for Danny, that symbolized who we were. They were completely instrumental, and right on! It was such a blessing. It was great. DH found a running partner, as well as a dance instructor who teaches swing on Thursday nights. I found a group of people to explore the arts with. The owner of the gallery holds Saturday night sessions where there is music, and art that everyone can get involved in. I am going to go to these. I think I will blossom in that environment. I have decided not to go to iWar, so if I asked you for a recommendation, please disregard it. Like I've said before: I reserve the right to change my opinion or stance on anything. I am completely open to letting the Lord correct me, because I want what He has planned, not anything I come up with on my own.

Talk to you soon...

Tara

Family

2009-07-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just another amazing day in the Lord!

In the morning, a new friend came by because her tire had gotten a flat and it was still sitting in front of our house. She chatted and ate peanut butter and honey sandwiches with us, while we waited for AAA. (The good thing about living downtown, is that all of us are walking distance from each other. We were able to just walk her home the night before.) This wonderful woman is a limousine driver and offered to chauffeur us around the city and show us where certain stores and other places of interest are. We took her up on her offer and were given a luxury ride around town, great music and all. She dropped us off at "The Gallery" in downtown, where a woman from the church runs a children's art gallery. Here children learn about how much they are loved by God, and how to express themselves through worship art. It is a great place and I just love her heart for the kids.

We had gone to the Gallery for a purpose. I am planning on attending a school called IWAR and, knowing this would require me to find a place for my children while I attended, had caused me a little angst. However, the night before, it had been made apparent to me that if God had a plan for me to attend this school, He also had a plan for my kids. That's when the gallery was mentioned.

So, I walked into the gallery and started talking to the woman who owns it. She is amazing! I just love her spirit. She said she was starting a homeschool co-op that would be two days a week. She described it to me and it sounds perfect for my kids. They will be focusing on different parts of the world, learning about them, praying for them, listening to music and viewing art from the area, doing intercessory prayer, working in the prophetic, learning how to play instruments, building drums, you name it! How perfect to prepare my children in this way! Thank you Lord! This way, while I am learning worship arts, they are. What a great way to grow our family together.

While we were at the gallery, another woman from the church came in to pick her daughter up. She has an 11 week old baby, along with her two other daughters, and she was joking about all the laundry piling up and her having no time to do anything. I looked at her and said, "Well, if your house needs help, we're coming over to clean it." She broke down crying and said, "I'm just going to receive that from you. Thank you, Lord. "

While we were talking to this woman, a man walked in that we were supposed to meet at some point, as he was a friend of the limousine driver. We told him who we were and asked him if he would be at the birthday party on Thursday. He said that he was coming over that very night, as that is when he had been invited. We just said, "Okay! Tonight it is!" Then we invited the Gallery owner to dinner, and she accepted.

So, we went home, ate lunch, went and cleaned the new mom's house (where my girls made a fast friend in her oldest daughter), came home and cooked dinner, and had another amazing get together with more amazing people, including the limousine driver. All the people that have come over are already like a family. When we rented this house, we declared that it would be a revolving door, with people coming in and out of it all the time. We've only been here a few days, and it is already that way. Some of the people don't even knock, and we love it! They just know they're welcome. We set up a bulletin board by our front door with colorful 3x5 cards pinned all over it. All of our new friends have put their name and phone number on one of the cards. I just know that by the way things are going, it will be bursting with cards before long.

Today, I went to the church to talk to the Leaders of both IWAR and Potter's House to see which was a better fit. The Lord really met me there and made it clear to me that IWAR was the one to attend. I am so excited about this new adventure in our lives, and this is just the beginning!

I am truly living a life full of awe and wonder, overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I could not possibly imagine a better life. Thank you, Lord.

-Tara

Dinner Party

2009-07-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

The Lord is moving!!! Today, after church, I saw the woman that had prayed us into the yellow house. I went up to her and told her we were now living in it. She was elated and said, "Can I come over?"

"Of course," we said.

"Like today, and can I bring a friend?" she says.

"Yes," we said, "but you'll have to bring your own chair, as we don't have enough yet."

This made us very excited, as it is the most intentionality anyone has shown towards us thus far. So, we told her to come over for dinner. We also invited another woman that we are getting intentional with.

At dinner time they both showed up and it turned out the other woman we invited was the same one that "yellow house woman" was going to invite! When we were sitting on the porch, one of the neighbors walked by and we invited her to join us. So, we ended up with an impromptu dinner party and had amazing fellowship! It was a total God appointment. We talked about all sorts of things, including who the Lord says we are and what's going on in our lives. We are destined to be a family.

We found out it is one of the ladies birthdays on Thursday, and her being new to town, knew it was our job (her new family) to throw her a party. So, on Thursday, we're having a party. I have no doubt it will be a packed house. We're praying that God blesses us with chairs before then, otherwise it will be a BYOC (bring your own chair) party. Haha. I believe He will.

It was a great night. More and more is being revealed to us about why we are here. It is definitely to prepare the way, as we can see the Lord about to break loose here in this neighborhood. Also, we can see the equipping and training being very helpful.

I'll keep you updated, as I am expecting great things!

Tara

Update

2009-07-02T23:11:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, our family has been on an amazing journey. I wanted to take this time to update everyone on what is going on. I am finally at a place where I feel like I can bring you up to speed. Before now, I didn’t have enough of an understanding to do so. Believe it or not, this is the short version:

When we first got here, we were expecting something big to happen. We knew that acting in obedience to the Lord would break something open for us, but what that was, we had no clue. We just knew God was good and had a plan. After arriving, we were a bit discouraged. There was no great “thing” that happened. We had felt a sense of urgency, yet we got here and there was nothing to do. We went by the church, eager to meet people, and met only the receptionist and her husband. There was no great connection there, although they were very nice, but not the connection we were hoping for. The soonest chance we would have to “plug in” would be Saturday, when there would be a brunch for the women in the church. This was Tuesday. The church was open for prayer in the evenings, however, if we wanted to go there. We showed up to this open prayer time, hoping to meet someone that would say, “Wow! The Lord has been telling me about you. This is what he says to do next.” When we got there, no one else was there. So, we prayed and the Lord showed us a picture of wheat blowing dry in the wind and a title wave rising up behind it. He said we were like this wheat, feeling dried out and in want, and we have no idea God has been preparing a title wave to wash over us. Then he said, “Just wait for it.”

Wait? Not the answer we were hoping for. What were we going to do now? We didn’t know anything outside of “move,” so we didn’t want to look for a house or place to rent, because we knew the Lord had a plan. So, we were stuck in the waiting. Dan couldn’t even start working because of some technical difficulties with his transfer.

It was so frustrating! We were so eager to connect and there was no one to be found! We were so eager to move forward, and there was no direction to go. We were just sitting in this big fat void!

So, we went exploring and got to know the area. One of the days we went up and visited my mom about two hours north of where we are.

On Saturday I went to the woman’s meeting and I could feel something starting to spark in my mind, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was. I did, however, start to feel my confidence and strength replacing my timidity.

Sunday was the day that things really started to happen. We went to church, again hoping to have some miraculous breakthrough and word form the Lord. We were hoping to meet some people that would immediately take us under their wing and minister to us. We met up with the people that had prophesied over us last month, and figured out where everyone would be going to lunch. We went to lunch and introduced ourselves to a bunch of people. One of the guys came over to pray for us. “The Lord sent me over here to pray for you, “ he said.

“Great! I thought. This is where the Lord reveals his plan!”

When he prayed he said, “I pray for a sense of home.”

We felt an incredible peace and the presence of the Spirit. But, still no direction.

We decided that there wasn’t a magical person waiting for us that was going to say, “I have a place for you to stay.” Or, “The Lord says…”

So, we set out looking for furnished places to rent. That didn’t last long as there weren’t any. I guess it’s too far from a big city for there to be a demand for something like that.

Sunday night we went to a special healing service. This is where they lay hands on the sick and heal them. While we were there praying for people, one of the guys comes up to us and says, “Where is your youngest daughter? I want to see her.” We went and got her and he said, “The Lord showed me that you are a healer and a prophet. Sometimes he shows me things like that about children. I am going to pray that you receive that gifting now, and, if you feel like it, you can lay hands on this girl with me.” He prayed and they laid hands on the girl, and she was healed. It was great! (The girl had a broken knuckle, if you were curious.)

When we left there, The Lord started talking to Danny. As we were driving, Danny suddenly turned. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he was hearing from the Lord, because he gets a distinct look. He slowed down and made another turn. Then, we pulled up to an adorable yellow house with a “for rent” sign in front of it. Danny said, “The Lord told me to turn here and pay attention.” We jotted down the number and vowed to call the next day.

The next day we called the number, but there was no answer, so we went to drive by the house. The owner happened to be out front and we had a great conversation with him. He showed us the house and it was perfect. Very simple, perfect location. We filled out an application and hoped for the best.

That night I panicked. “Why would you have us sell everything we own just to have us buy it all again? I don’t want to just start over in a new place. Are we doing the right thing? Did we really hear from you? Etc…” Well, the Lord met me.

He expanded on the vision he gave me way back in December. I had been working from a very small window of this vision, but knowing the Lord would reveal more when it was time. He had shown me that we would be going from place to place visiting people and preparing the way for him. But, in the vision, I knew the people. They were great friends. This had always confused me because I don’t know people all over the world. Yet, I knew the Lord would work it all out. He showed me that at first the visiting would be a longer term, like two years at a time. It would be a “living there.” Then, we would go back and visit the places we had been. He showed me that he already has done that with a few other places in our lives. We will have “bride pods” all over the world. So, right now, we will be living here, establishing relationships. He said that he had us sell everything, because it doesn’t matter. The “stuff” holds you back from being flexible. He said that every time we leave a place, he wants us to sell everything we have and go, then get new things there.

On Wednesday I went to the woman’s group and there were two women that spoke words from the Lord over me. One was a great prophetic word that affirmed everything the Lord has been telling us, along with saying that she believed we were here for equipping and training. That was a huge blessing!

The other conversation was with a woman sitting at my table. She told me some great things. She asked me if I’d found a place to live yet. I said we were still looking. She said, “There’s a house down the street from me that just went up for rent. I’ve been praying over it that Godly people would move in. I live in downtown.”

I looked at her and said, “Is it a yellow house?”

She said, “YES!”

I said, “We just put in an application for that house!”

Today, we sign a lease for that yellow house! The funny thing is, he tried to offer it to two other people before us and for some reason or another, they fell through. It’s amazing what the Lord is doing.

There are pages more that I could tell you. This really is the short version. It is just this incredible weaving of the Lord’s will that astonishes me. It’s the amazing fact that God is real! He really does have a plan. And he really will be there to see it through!

Until next time,

Tara

Jelly Belly

2009-06-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Today we took the Jelly Belly Factory tour. They showed us how they make their famous Jelly Bellies and then gave us all a free bag of the little guys to munch on. It was a lot of fun for the kids. Danny ate one of their trick flavors: "rotten egg". He almost threw up. The guy next to us tried "skunk spray" and had a similar reaction. I stuck to the yummy flavors.

Which brings me to my next thought.

I have totally gone off gear with my healthy eating!!! I need to get back on track. I need to somehow figure out how to eat healthy on the go. I think my biggest problem is that I give myself permission to eat worse on the road. That is definitely not going to work long term. Something to think about...

Tara

To Sell Everything We Have...

2009-06-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

Well, we did it! We sold EVERYTHING we owned, gave to the poor, and followed him! Everything we own fits with us in our Prius (basically clothes). Now we are officially relocated, yet mobile. We are staying in an extended stay hotel, where we won't have to be tied down or committed to anything, and will receive housekeeping. :) We are waiting on the Lord for our next move. There are some exciting things going on at the church locally that I'll share more about later. We are in total anticipation of what the Lord's going to do. Praise God that He has a perfect plan!

Side note to all those that know how much this matters in our family, the library here is amazing!

If you are a friend or family member, e-mail me and I'll give you our new info.

Tara

Enemy Chefs

2009-06-02T04:48:00.000-07:00

The Lord gave me a vision. He showed me a picture of a battlefield. On this battlefield, there was our army (that of the Bride) on one side, and the enemy's army on the other side.

I saw something strange. One of the soldiers for the enemy was sneaking into our kitchen and putting food into it. Then he snuck out again. Our army went into the kitchen and ate the food happily, unknowing it was from the enemy. We liked the food and continued eating it, even denying our own food in demand of the enemy's.

Our army began to get tired and sluggish.We began to get sick, some even died. We began to get moody and unmotivated. We began to fight among ourselves. Our confidence faded. We were week and the enemy attacked us. We were unable to defend ourselves.

The Lord showed me that this is what the enemy has done in America and is doing all over the world. He has been sneaking into our kitchens and has been feeding us his poison. This is an old tactic of the enemy.

As always, we can look at history to see how the enemy attacks.

In Ezekiel 16:49 it says: Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy.

This verse doesn't lay out all their individual sins, but it does show that they were overfed. The enemy has used food to ruin people since the beginning of time. The food so controlled them that they were willing to stuff themselves and let others starve.

Think of the forbidden fruit.

Think how the Lord gave the Israelites food laws. It was so they would not eat the enemies food.

Of course he has many other tactics, but food is one that has really gone unnoticed as an attack from the enemy. We can see its effects all around us, but we think it's just us. No, it's a strategic attack.

So, the Lord showed me that His food is good and nourishing. It makes us strong, clear headed, and emotionally stable. There is something to be said about that. Give it a try. It's all the stuff in its natural form. Not processed, genetically or chemically modified, preserved, or refined. Just good natural food.

Surprise

2009-05-29T05:23:00.000-07:00

Well, the Lord has been moving like crazy in our lives. He really has been for the past year, which is right in line with the "quickening" prophecy that came to us via Graham Cooke. The Lord has been showing us a lot about who we are according to his kingdom, which is radically different than who we are according to the world. As he has revealed these things to us, he has given us specific tasks to complete and challenges to overcome. All to bring us closer to who He wants us to be. One specific line in the prophecy is:

When you know who you are, then you know how you are supposed to live.

This being said, He has revealed who we are and what our role in the kingdom is. A good overview of this comes in Luke 10. Luke 10 is the verse we just received via prophecy this past weekend. Here is a piece of that verse:

After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go. He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves. Do not take a purse or bag or sandals; and do not greet anyone on the road..."

It was really a good overview of everything the Lord has been telling us. The prophecy also stressed moving immediately. Unsure of where that might be, we went home in anticipation of the Lord showing up and revealing His plan to us. This was Sunday. On Wednesday, the plan started to unfold. By Thursday morning, it was in motion.

What's the plan? Well, as far as we can see, we will be moving up to Vacaville, Ca, and immersing ourselves in the kingdom culture there via the Mission fellowship. All the doors have been swung wide open for this. My husband's company even had an opening in Sacramento and were happy to give it to him. I'm not sure what the Father's plan is, and whenever I try to figure it out, I get stressed and overwhelmed. So all I can say is, I trust him. I do not know the full extent of His plan. But I know it's Him, so I know it's good.

As of right now, our time frame is about 2 months before we leave, but we are open to whatever the Lord has planned. He is good and His timing is perfect. As always, updates will follow.

Until then,

Tara

A Quick Taste

2009-05-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

So much is going on with our family that it would be a very long blog to catch everyone up, so I will just tell you one story for now.

For the past two weeks, I have been tormented at night by the enemy. Every time I am about to fall asleep, I get woken up. Almost as if someone were poking me. I have been able to sense that this was a spiritual thing and have been trying to figure it all out while half asleep. One night I even saw the demon that had been pestering me. I woke up and saw him in the corner. I screamed on the top of my lungs, much to the startling of my wonderful husband, and then I couldn't see him any longer, leaving me in more torment.

So, having seen him, it was confirmed. Some might be wondering why I didn't just stand up and rebuke him. Well, I think I knew there was something to be learned. I kept asking the Spirit what it was. Last night I got my answer, finally! I was laying there, awake, and I thought, "Okay. If the enemy is coming against me, it means I have an equal and opposite blessing waiting for me."

That's when the Spirit spoke to me. She said, "I am going to give you dreams of the Kingdom of God."

Of course! That's why the enemy doesn't want me to go to sleep! I have had a handful of "God" dreams in the past, and they have been real breaking points for me spiritually. When the Lord gives us dreams, he can push us past our boxes, into His kingdom. I love dreams!

So, after realizing this, I just smiled big. And I could almost feel the enemy lose heart, like the previously stated quote. I sat up and calmly said (much to my poor sleeping husbands surprise), "I understand now why you are here. Thank you, for now the Lord is going to give me dreams about His kingdom. I now rebuke you in the name of Jesus. Please leave."

After that, I fell into a deep sleep and slept well until I needed to wake up. When I did wake up, I was fully rested, even though I did not get to bed until around 4AM. Before I had gone to sleep, I asked the Lord to make me rested, and so He came through.

So, when I have a dream or dreams, I will be sure to post them, as I am believing the Lord for them.

Until next post,

Tara

Gotta Love it!

2009-05-22T16:02:00.001-07:00

My mom just sent me an e-mail and the very first line was great!

Be the kind of woman that when your feet

hit the floor each morning
the devil says
"Oh Crap, She's up!"

This is definitely a personal goal.

WOOPS!

2009-05-21T06:17:00.000-07:00

Woops! I accidently gave the wrong link for my sister's site. I changed it on my blog, but if you receive this via e-mail, the link will be wrong. Here is the right link to God Stories.

Two Things

2009-05-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

Two things:

First, my sister just created a blog, and even though she has only had one post, it is great! She is an "interpreter" in the Kingdom, so she is able to put things in a way that are really relatable. I love what she's already written. So, go to her site and check it out!

Second. I would just like to declare that I LOVE PEOPLE! People are a joy to me and I am privileged to live in a world full of them!

Trusting God Alone

2009-05-19T07:35:00.000-07:00

That we ought, once for all, heartily to put our whole trust in GOD,

and make a total surrender of ourselves to Him, secure that He would

not deceive us.

-An excerpt from The Practice of the Presence of God the Best Rule of a Holy Life, Brother Lawrence

This is where I am, and it is the hardest challenge I have yet to face. I am not a peacemaker, I am an ice breaker, and in that, I will never please man. I cannot please both man and God, and while that seems like a no brainer, it is the hardest thing yet. To have a world angry at you for the sake of God, is no more comforting than knowing you will be executed in the morning. However, there is freedom in it. There is freedom on the other side of this that I can taste. So, I press on and know the Lord is good.

Random Happenings

2009-05-14T21:05:00.001-07:00

I just got the feedback from my first writing assignment, and I was so nervous to read it! However, the teacher is great and did a good job at really building up what I did right before giving me some advice. I feel encouraged that this class will help me to sharpen my writing skills.

I am in complete learning mode again. For a few months there I didn't want to learn anything new. My brain was in mid-paradigm shift and needed all its energy for that! Now it's ready to work again. I'm taking a writing class, guitar lessons, dance lessons, and reading Graham Cooke's book on developing your prophetic gift, all while the Lord is teaching me about who I am in his kingdom. Wow! A lot to take in at once! I am excited as I feel like the Lord is giving my family some really great tools for worship. We are all learning music and dance, which can be such a great expression to the Lord.

The Lord has also been bringing so many friends into my life, and it is so overwhelmingly wonderful! I am so blessed to be living right now.

Jesus said in Luke that he came so that we may have life and live it to the full! I believe him.

Tara

Enemy or Ally?

2009-05-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

In life it is important to pay attention to who you're listening to. Many times, your enemy will tell you the things you want to hear, and your ally the things you don't. But your enemy's advice will destroy you, and your ally's advice will save you.

A White Canvas

2009-04-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

I saw a vision. A vision of many people going about their lives. Some were working, some washing their cars, some mowing lawns, some reading, some playing. Just life happening all around. The Lord came to me and said, "Now let me show you what is real." And he took away everything but the people. All the people were standing as if on a white canvas. There were no houses, no cars, no jobs, no lawns, no sky or clouds, no food, just people. My heart went out to them as I realized the lies of the enemy. We are so distracted from what really matters. I'm angry that I have allowed the enemy to keep me from my brothers and sisters; that I have not loved them. I wanted to stretch out my arms and pull them all into me and just love on them in whatever way possible.

Friends, the ONLY thing that matters is relationships. Relationship with God and relationships with people. All else will decay and waste away. All else is a lie from the enemy to keep us distracted from truth. I think this is why God takes us away from our homes many times to minister to people. It takes us away from our distractions, like keeping our house clean, or our lawn mowed, or our business in order, and it takes us into a place where people are what matters. Where all you have left are the people. If only we could grasp that in our home. If only we could all see it and embrace each other in that way, prioritizing each other, opening our hearts to each other, sharing the Lord with each other, then we would be so much stronger, so much more in the truth.

What can we do to remedy this? Is there an answer? Do you notice when you are away from home that you are more likely to focus on relationships? Do you think it's possible to let go of all else and live for relationships alone? Do we dare?

Tara

The other 20 things....

2009-04-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

6. I love to write. It's probably the best way I express myself.

7. I rub my nose when I am in deep thought. I didn't even notice this until about two years ago when a friend pointed it out. I think it stems from when I had a blankie as a child and sucked my thumb.

8. When I am having good conversations, I play with my hair, sometimes putting it up and taking it out again multiple times.

9. I am allergic to nuts. This is fairly recent, and very depressing.

10. I want to have great friends all over the world, and I believe I will. I intend to live all over the world.

11. I started dating my husband when I was 14, been together since.

12. I would love to live in a "Kingdom Culture" commune.

13. I love people. I get energized by being around them.

14. I sell or donate everything! It has become a joke in my family. I really believe my family and I will live a "backpack" life, and it's my way of preparing.

15. I have come to really enjoy the way the Lord's plan is always a surprise. I used to try to figure it out, but now I just love being surprised. It helps me to enjoy the day more.

16. Every night, my mom, my husband, and I stay up late playing games, watching movies, or talking. It has made us really close.

17. I love to study. It is a talent of mine.

18. I eat and make healthy food. I'm a really good cook. I try to make everything from scratch, but have been known to just get take out when too tired.

19. I used to play the flute, and now I am going to take guitar lessons with my husband. I come from a very musical family.

20. I wear jewelry every day. I love jewelry.

21. I recently discovered a root pump mousse that works really well.

22. I have lived in 10 houses in the nine years we have been married. I lived in one house from first grade until I got married.

23. I love the beach. Everything about it. Even the sand all over everything.

24. I am dramatic. And I love that about myself.

25. I am an ice breaker for the Kingdom. Something I have come to really love about how the Lord made me. Knowing this has allowed me to let go of trying to be a peace maker.

There we go. 25 things. That was a lot harder than I thought it would be. What are yours?

-Tara

5 Things About Me

2009-04-25T09:56:00.001-07:00

Coffegirl Confessions posted on her blog about sharing 25 things about yourself. I was reading people's comments and thought it would be fun for us to share. If you are receiving this by e-mail, you will have to log onto my blog to leave a comment. Okay, here are the first five things about me.

1. I commonly "shh" people when they are loud or annoying. It is a huge fault of mine, and a great annoyance to my loud husband.

2. I am a gasper. If anything surprises me, I gasp loudly.

3. I am an all or nothing person. I'm either all for it, or could care less.

4. I love food variety. I can't eat the same thing within at least three weeks of having eaten it before. Well, except pizza. I love pizza.

5. I have a secret desire to be a singer in a band. Still wondering what that's all about.

Your turn. Show me what you're made of!

-Tara

Call to Arms Update

2009-04-23T21:47:00.001-07:00

On March 13th I posted a Call to Arms about blessing others by hiring them in this time of recession. The Lord personally challenged me to employ as many people as I could. He did this in almost a teasing manner, as if to say, "Bet you can't hire faster than I can bless!" He showed me how I can be on the offensive in this time instead of the defensive. When all I do is focus on the negative, then I become defensive, trying to save up my money in an attempt at feeling secure. When I focus on the Lord's attack on the enemy (the offense), then I just want to use whatever resources I have to fight, by hiring those that the enemy is trying to discourage and destroy. Well, I have been hiring and the Lord has been blessing!!! Just a month ago when I wrote the Call to Arms I supported SOW, had a hair dresser, and was about to hire a mow and blow gardener. Now, I have employed:

A Landscaper, who had been laid off, that is ripping out wild bushes everywhere and planting flowers in addition to weekly maintenance.
A housekeeper that comes every other week, even though she's pregnant.
A Hairdresser, who's clients are coming much less often than they used to.
My husband now goes to his hair dresser twice a month instead of once.
A Manicurist, who's house is in default.
A violin teacher, for both my daughters, that desperately needed to hear that she was worth the money she was asking.
SOW Women in Africa

Coming Soon: Guitar teacher for my husband and I, and a piano or voice teacher for my mom!

How are we affording this? I'm not quite sure!!! We sold one of our cars, because we felt the Lord wanted us to. We paid off a credit card, that happened to go out of business and therefore credited a third of what we owed them in order to settle their debts (the balance was the exact amount we got back from taxes! If that's not God, what is?) And every time we turn around things are either costing us less or we are receiving more money.

Why am I telling you this? It is not to brag or boast! It is to say that God is real, He does work, and he doesn't lie. So when He says, "Give and it shall be given to you. Pressed down, shaken together, and running over," He means it! So go out there and bless someone! Every time you do, you defeat the enemies plan of destroying them in that moment!

Tara

Friends

2009-04-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

I had a great day today! I met up with two different friends from my past. One that I hadn't seen in 4 years and one I hadn't seen in 13 years! They were both great visits and I am so glad to be connected with them again as I believe we will be good friends once more. I met with them each separately, but they happen to live about two blocks from each other, which made the double visit possible. It was a total God thing!

Recession or time of opportunity?

2009-04-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd pass this podcast link along from Graham Cooke. The Lord has been doing much of this in our lives; getting us to see things through his eyes instead of the world's. It is so important to recognize the enemy, otherwise he just sneaks in and we don't even know we've been defeated.

Tara

More Desert Truth

2009-04-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

"I am not what I think I am. I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am."

All our lives, people and culture tell us who we are, and we believe them. We accept it and define ourselves by their labels... yet they are wrong. The Lord has a different definition of who we are, and it is the truth.

The truth is, Jesus died for all our ugliness. He died for all our impurities, our pride, our shame, our malice, and our mistakes. It's done, settled, paid for, forgotten. They no longer exist. Therefore, all accounts of recollection are merely shadows, as all else in this world is that is outside of relationship. It is just another piece of unreality. It is a piece that lives on the wrong side of the cross, outside of the Kingdom. The Kingdom is on the right side of the cross. And there is no shame in the Kingdom.

The Lord's opinion and His word are the truth, no matter how anyone else sees it. If the opinion is in contradiction to the Lord, then it is the one that is wrong, not God. So when we feel like we are something other than what the Lord says we are, we are the ones that are wrong. The Lord is truthful; he cannot lie. It is not in His nature.

The Lord's grace fills in all the holes to make us truly all these things He says we are. It takes all our lives and makes them a beautiful story of love and perfection, so that when we are weak, he is strong. Therefore, it glorifies Him all the more! We cannot go wrong!

We must choose to believe the truth, even when we don't feel it. The Lord has proven himself trustworthy.

The Lord loves me intimately and personally. I am a beautiful person because of the Lord. No longer will I let the fall determine who I am. Now, I will let the cross determine it, and I will live in his grace.

Presence

2009-04-09T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize, that without the presence of the Lord, all is void and meaningless; with the presence of the Lord, just existing drips with meaning.

Shamelessness

2009-03-31T15:01:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to realize that freedom is shamelessness, an absence of pride. Being able to fully express myself, with no regard to outside opinion. Living in the total acceptance of my God, my love.

Desert Time

2009-03-30T12:21:00.001-07:00

The Lord has brought me into the desert and it is a dry and lonely place. Thankfully, He told me he was bringing me into the desert, otherwise I might be more discouraged than I currently am. Knowing there is purpose in it gives me hope at least. I was reading Hosea 2, and seeing many parallels in it for me in my life and just knowing the Lord will restore me and speak sweetly to me. Right now he is stripping me of my false gods which have for so long given me identity and purpose. He is stripping me of the pride I have placed around my heart that blocks out his love and prevents me from being fully beloved. God is showing me that the only thing that can prevent him from entering fully into my heart, is my unwillingness to let him in. That cannot be forced. That cannot be taken. It has to be given. Right now, he is shining light on those protectors I have placed around my heart, and it hurts. It hurts to know that I have blocked out my love. It hurts to know that I have been wrong. It hurts to be humbled, but I want it. I want all of it. "Crush me Lord into a fine powder, and rebuild me again from the fires of love!"

Grace

2009-03-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, I was exposed. I was like a volcano that had exploded. My top blown off and all my ugliness sprawled all over, completely unsheltered. As I walked around this mess, I knew there was no excuse to be made for it, no way to explain it away. There was no way to put it all back together. No way to hide it. There it all was, completely defenseless. Most of it had gone unrecognized by myself, unknown, until that night. I looked at it and was disgusted, ashamed. I wept bitterly, knowing it was all true, knowing I had not the power to change any of it. I couldn't even imagine it away. I knew there was meaning in this. I knew that I needed to see it. I knew that I was hideous and unlovable. I knew that in this state, I could not even ask for love. I didn't want to ask for it, because I had nothing to offer in return. I could promise nothing. I could not say that I would get better; that I would please in any way. All I could say was, " I am ugly."

Then the Lord did something amazing, He looked straight at my ugliness, not denying it, and loved me anyway. He held me and loved me entirely in his own power and capacity to love, receiving nothing from me, and I was undeservedly safe. Completely accepted because of who God is, not because of who I am. It is unfathomable.

I have never understood grace like this before. Never know it to this capacity before. The Lord loved me in my shame, so I can do nothing to part from his love, nothing to un-deserve it, because I didn't deserve it to begin with. In this, how can I not trust the Lord with my entire life, my entire being? He loves me more than I love myself. Even I was not willing to love such an ugly person, yet his love alone has made me beautiful. Therefore, the Lord may have my life to the fullest, for he has proven himself trustworthy.

-Tara

Call to Arms

2009-03-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

There is an interesting phenomenon going on with our economy. We are in a global recession. We all know this. We hear it on the news, know many that are being laid off, or have experienced it personally. There is something hidden though, that the enemy doesn't want us to see. You see, the Kingdom of God is not bankrupt. It has unlimited resources. The Lord has it all. However, hell does not. Hell has to use what it is given. So, when the world is in a recession, so is the enemy. He is losing resources to do his work. Yet we still have access to resources. Therefore, we are given an extreme advantage. On that note, I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to look into your life and see where the enemy is using resources to do his work, then take those funds away from him and use them for the Kingdom. Bless those around you. Hire people. Hire a gardener, a housekeeper, a personal trainer. Get your hair done, or your nails. Hire a friend that is struggling as a handyman, painter, or dog walker. Get creative! Remember, when you hire people, you help to feed their families. It blesses them.

One of the ways my husband and I are doing this, with cooperation from my mom (as we all live together), is turning off the Direct TV. The TV is a relationship breaker, distracting us so that we avoid conversations with each other and God. This is a tool of the enemy in our house. A subtle one, but one none the less. Yesterday, we hired a landscaper who had recently been laid off, to do some random work for us. He was so grateful and urged us to hire him as our weekly gardener. (Up until this point, we have done our own gardening.) He also showed us all the different things he could do to the house, wanting to use it as a showcase to gain business in our area for his landscaping. We don't need this stuff done, but that is besides the point. He needs the money. He has a family to support. By paying him to do these things, we are putting money and resources into the work of the Kingdom. I believe the Lord has challenged us to employ as many people as we can. Right now it might be a gardener and some great women in Africa, but I believe as we employ people, the Lord will provide more funds to employ more people. What a great way to fight the enemy!

So this is a call to arms! Look around you! What can you do? We are the army of the Lord and this is our opportunity to fight!

Jesus says in Luke 6:38 - "Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured in your lap."

Until next time...

Tara

Back Home

2009-02-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

Quick note: my last post had a missing link to go to chapter one of my book. I have now added the link, so you can click on it. If you are receiving this via e-mail, you will have to go onto my site to view the updated version...I think.

Anyhow, we are back in California! We left Sunday afternoon and arrived late Monday night. I think it was 12:30AM. It was an exciting road trip as we had to go through a blizzard. It started snowing pretty bad in Flagstaff and didn't stop until we were out of Kingman! The Lord led us through, however, with a little help here and there, like a snow plow entering the freeway right in front of us. We followed that thing a good 30 miles. So, we are back and resting up, looking forward to some healthy greens.

My Book

2009-02-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

I had it pointed out to me by a friend that I haven't added to my book. I just kind of built up the suspense and then stopped. Well, this prompted me to go back over it, and it has inspired me to add to it! The reason I stopped was I entered a time of digestion. The Lord started working and changing me, and I didn't know how to articulate it. However, now I can, so I will write more and post it. If you haven't read the first six chapters, click here to go to chapter one at the bottom of the page. Then, just click "newer posts" to read further on. There are six chapters total. Enjoy the drama!

Road Trip

2009-01-31T16:44:00.000-08:00

For the last 5 days, my mom, my kids, and I have been on a road trip. Thus far, we have been in Phoenix, and our next destination is Denver. The weather has been beautiful and clear, hovering in the 70s, with a fresh cool breeze, much to our delight. My mom has been working at a quilt show at the Phoenix fair grounds (hence the reason for the road trip), as she will be doing in Denver, having officially become a Carny. So, while she has been doing that, the kids and I have been having fun! We spent a whole day at the Arizona Science Center. Literally, five and a half hours. It was really great with all sorts of hands on things for the kids to do. Even my four year old was entertained the entire time. We learned all sorts of things, while we played and watched demonstrations, that got our minds moving and thinking. We even watched a 45 minute Imax film about migration that was really interesting and had great detailed shots of butterflies and small crabs. For lunch, we ate at City Bakery, which was excellent, albeit expensive. I got an idea for another side dish: white bean salad. It is something I would have never thought to make, but tasted great!

The next day I took the kids to Piestewa Peak in Phoenix, determined to climb the Summit Trail. It was marked moderate, but I thought, "With a little determination, we can do anything." Well, it was steep, rocky, crowded, long, and hot! And after many breaks, a few encouraging pep talks, a mile long trek, and an hour and 50 minutes, the kids gave out on me and we started back down...with only about 400 feet to the summit. It took us another hour and 30 minutes to get back down, but we were rewarded with great views and amazed remarks from other hikers that the kids had made it so far. When we got to the bottom, we were exhausted! It was great, though, to get out and get some exercise and sunshine. It was also a great relationship builder between the kids and I. Although, we sure missed daddy there to carry and drag us all along!

Today, we got an exciting oil change! Okay, it was uneventful and took all of 5 minutes, but it could have been exciting, if you use your imagination. Then we went swimming in the hotel pool, which was a pleasant temperature, and ate lunch at Jason's Deli (a great deal).

Everyone here is all excited about the Super Bowl, and I'm pretty sure Chipotle was giving out free food to fans with t-shirts, since there was a line of about 300 people coming out their door, all bearing Cardinal t-shirts.

We head out tomorrow towards Denver, so I will keep you posted!

To know me...

2009-01-04T12:29:00.001-08:00

Moses once asked the Lord, "Who shall I say sent me?"

What he was really saying is, " How shall I label you? What box shall I contain you in?"

The Lord answered, "You can tell them, I AM sent you."

The truth is, God cannot be labeled or contained in a box. God cannot be given a title. He is so much more than that...and so are we.

I am not a Christian, an American, a caucasian, a middle class woman, a mother, a homeschooler, or a twenty-six year old wife. None of these labels contain who I am. None of these can capture my essence. Only relationship with me will tell a person who I am, and only relationship with God will reveal His person. And when it is revealed, there will be no label, there will only be an understanding.

So, we cannot know God through our labels for him, our sermons, sayings, or books. They cannot contain Him any more than they could contain you. So in response to who I am. All I can say is, "I am. I am just me." No label will tell you the full truth about me. And no label will tell you the full truth about God. When you ask him who he is, he just says, "I AM...I am me."

Interesting to think...

2008-11-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

In writing about government freedom, I began to wonder if it paralleled spiritual freedom. So, I took a piece I had written and changed the context to spirituality and this is what I got. I think there's something to it.

Here's what I wrote about government:

For a nation to be free, they have to hold themselves personally responsible and accountable, not relying on a government to make things good or right in their lives. This is harder to do than it sounds. They cannot allow government to justify their immorality because it is legal. They cannot allow traditions and routines to be their moral compass. They must do what is right, no matter the cost or hardship, in order to maintain their freedom.

Here's what it sounds like when the perspective is changed to spirituality:

For a believer to be free, they have to hold themselves personally responsible and accountable for relationship with the Father, not relying on the church to make things good or right in their lives. This is harder to do than it sounds. They cannot allow the church to justify their apathy because it is common. They can't allow traditions and routines to be their moral compass. They must seek relationship with the Father, no matter the cost or hardship, in order to maintain their freedom in the Lord.

This is not about Heaven or Hell. This isn't about getting the Lord to love you, he already does. This is about opening your heart to a love that is so great and powerful, that it is worth every drop of sweat, every tear, and every mocking comment. It's about a love that will set you free from the curse of Eden. Free from the opinions of man. It is ours to have, but it will not be easy. Just like anyone in America can have prosperity, if they are willing to do what it takes, so an intimate relationship with the Lord can be any persons, if they are willing to do what it takes. The Lord asks us to let go of things we hold onto, to have faith and trust him, so he can offer us freedom. We are not required to do this, just as we are not required to do this in government, but our life will be better for it if we do.

Democracy

2008-10-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

Democracy is one of those things that is hard to maintain. You can declare freedom, write a constitution, fight wars for it, and sing songs about it, but you cannot control it. You cannot make people want to be free. You cannot make a nation act a certain way, because if you do, it becomes something other than democracy. Democracy requires a people that will take responsibility for themselves and their actions. It requires a certain amount of self- control.

I was reading “Little Town on the Prairie” to my kids, and came across a paragraph describing this. It reads:

She [Laura] thought: Americans won’t obey any king on earth. Americans are free. That means they have to obey their own consciences. No king bosses Pa; he has to boss himself. Why, she thought, when I am a little older, Pa and Ma will stop telling me what to do, and there isn’t anyone else who has a right to give me orders. I will have to make myself be good. …This is what it means to be free….The laws of Nature and of Nature’s God are what endow you with a right to life and liberty. Then you have to keep the laws of God, for God’s law is the only thing that gives you a right to be free.

Right now we are facing a problem. Too many Americans have decided that it is the government’s responsibility to take care of them, to make their life good. It is the government’s responsibility to take care of and educate their children. It is the government’s responsibility to make sure they are healthy and fed. It is the government’s responsibility to make moral decisions for them. They have forgotten what freedom is.

Freedom comes with a price. When you are free, it means there is no one to blame but yourself. It means you no longer have someone to fall back on if you screw up. It means that you will reap what you sow. There is no floor and no ceiling. You can fall as far as you let yourself, and you can climb as high as you want.

This is exciting to those that intend to work hard and make something of their lives, but this is discouraging to those that want hand outs and unearned success. This feels right to those that want to do good, but wrong to those that are looking for excuses to be immoral. It feels great to the person that wants to take responsibility for how their children turn out and how much they learn, but it feels condemning to the parents that want to blame someone else if their children aren’t smart or behaved. It feels right to the retired couple that had delayed gratification when they were younger and saved for retirement, but it feels hopeless to those that spent every dime they had. This feels great to the family that didn’t take on a house loan for more than they could afford, but terrifying to the family that just foreclosed.

The person we elect for president will not determine the fate of this country. The people living in it will. Unless our society decides to start taking responsibility for itself, we will head to the only option left. That option is having our freedom taken away for the sake of preservation. If our country cannot function because of the people, then the people will lose the right to decide.

So on this election day, vote for freedom, not government control. The government will not save us. We have to save ourselves.

-Tara Schiller

The movement of the Lord

2008-10-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

I realize, especially after I read my last post, that I am a bit dramatic. However, I am not ashamed as God is dramatic too, and I really believe he enjoys me more for it. Anyhow, some major things have happened this past week. First, our renters informed us that they are breaking their lease and moving to another state. This has lead us to put our house up for sale. Second, our landlords apparently haven't been making mortgage payments for the past six months, so two days ago we got a certified letter stating that the house we are now living in will be sold at auction in 20 days. Not a lot of notice, but enough to find a place. So now we are packing and looking for a new house. When the Lord moves, he moves quickly! We will be moving farther north to be closer to DH's territory and save him about an hour and a half to two hours worth of driving a day. This means meeting new people, joining new groups, making new friends. I am excited about all of this, believe it or not, as it means a lot of positive changes for our family. We won't be able to live in as nice a neighborhood, but I think that's part of God's plan. It's a part of us letting go of our consumerism and the"keeping up with the Jones' syndrome." I'll keep everyone posted on what's going on.

The Day of Atonement

2008-10-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

I find it extremely coincidental that on the Day of Atonement (today), I would feel the true cost sin has had upon the human race. My heart feels as though it would burst with grief from the constant separation from the Lord. I long for his return. I am tired of this Earth and all it's sin. I am tired of the constant struggle to find joy; the everlasting pain to stay connected with the Lord. I wonder if there will be ebbs and flows in heaven or if we will always be in perfect communion with our love. Whatever the case, there must be more than this. There must be a place safe from the enemy, where all we know is love. A place where there is no fear, no failure, just grace. A place where joy is everlasting and peace is normal. A place of truth.

There is no such place here on Earth. There is no such place in this life. The Enemy will always contend. He will always hunt. He will live on in an ever present flowing force until the day the Lord destroys him forever. Is this why Jesus came? Is this what he is saving us from? Will he mend the brokenness while we are still here on Earth? Will he touch our hearts in an everlasting way? Or will he lead us on in a torturous relationship of coming and going? He comes and steals our heart and then leaves and allows the enemy to attack. What kind of lover is that? What kind of lover is that?

Oh the day that my heart is free. That will be a day worth living for. Today is no such day.

Wanted: Foodies

2008-10-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

I need some volunteers that can help me with trying out some of my recipes in their own kitchens. I am in the process of writing a cook book using whole, healthy foods. I would like to have a test crew that feeds the food to their families and gives me input. I also need to know if my instructions are clear enough. Let me know if you'd like to participate and I'll do a yahoo group to discuss on. Thanks so much!

Time

2008-10-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

Time is a resource that is highly misunderstood. It flies by or drags on. It makes us feel rushed or anxious. It ages us. Yet, non of it is truly real but the present moment. That is the only time we can live in. The only time that we can make a difference in. We can’t change the past and we can only hope to shape the future by what we do in the present, but anything could happen in the moment to shape all else. It can only happen in the present moment though. Since the only place that is real is the present moment, that is where God dwells. Take a moment, right now, and use your senses to see the moment. What is around you? What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you feel? Where is God? See if it hits you deeper than any hope or memory ever will.

Food Help

2008-09-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

Okay! I need some input. I need to know what you eat for dinner or what you would like to eat. I am trying to build an extensive menu because I basically get extremely bored with food when I have it too much. I am not one that can eat the same seven meals every week. I don't need recipes, those I can look up, just what you eat? Even if it's something you get at a restaurant. Don't worry about nutritional value either as I will adjust it personally to be healthy and whole. My goal is to make everything from scratch, as close to it's original state as possible. The funny thing is, the Lord is showing me a whole new level of what "scratch" means. Interesting stuff really. I am excited about all of it though. I feel like cooking is a way of expressing myself artistically. It brings me special enjoyment when the food is healthy and nourishing for the ones I love. So, send me what you like to eat. Can't wait to hear what it is.

Something in the air

2008-09-11T17:51:00.000-07:00

There is a hint of Autumn in the air today. Last night the air was cold. The temperature was perfect today. When I went outside I didn't feel hot or cold, just pleasant. There was a constant breeze like there usually is in this area. I just felt like being in the air was healing something inside me. I can see why people would go the sea to get well. There's something in the air. The mysteries the Lord has laid out in this world are many and I hope he will reveal them all to us in the end. I want to be able to read the book. Wouldn't that be great?

Going Raw

2008-09-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

So, in an effort to eat better, I decided to try to serve raw food for breakfast and lunch. I wasn't sure how this was going to go over with the kids, but to my surprise they are loving it! My son ate more today than I think I have ever seen him eat at a lunch setting. This must be what his body needs. He often leaves meats on his plate and it used to discourage me, but now I know it's healthy for him to eat raw food anyhow, so that's what I'll give him. We had salad with the option of cucumbers, bell peppers, onions, raw gouda, and avocado served with raw dressing made by me, and watermelon for lunch. All the kids, including my niece, ate it right up. Success. I'll keep you posted on how this goes for us. For more info on why to eat raw food, visit Living and Raw Foods. For information on how to go raw visit Karen Knowler's site. Happy Eating!

The Dragon Skin

2008-08-29T07:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am on the brink of a paradigm shift. A new way of viewing the world and my purpose. It’s like Eustice in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader being enslaved as a dragon. He kept scratching off the layers. Layer after layer he scratched, yet he was still a dragon. Then Aslan showed up and dug his claws deep into the flesh of the dragon and he tore off the thick skin down to the core. When he did this, the dragon was gone and the boy, Eustice, remained, a changed person. It was painful when Aslan did it, but it worked.

I am like Eustice. I have picked up this dragon skin along the road of my life and I need God to take it off of me. I can see these windows here and there and I realize life as I know it now is an illusion, like the Matrix. I can’t do it myself, I need God. It has to be God.

Great Quote

2008-08-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

Thankful people have a view of life that begins somewhere deep in their souls, and outside circumstances just can't mar their joy. To them, life is a wonderful continuous dream come true. All of life is blessed, and they see themselves as being in a continual feast. -Debbie Pearl

Church or no church, that is the question

2008-08-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

I found this article and wanted to share it. If you would like to read more articles on this subject, you can visit the Third Day website at thirddaychurches.com

Being Church 24/7 by Molong Nacau

Jesus never intended for Christianity to become a religious sect. He did however want His followers to follow His footsteps in how He lived life, as designed by God, on this earth. Watching what His Father does and hearing what His Father says is what He does. That's how He's obedient to His Father's will. It's not a matter of rules or of even choosing between right and wrong but of just being obedient to His Father. In like manner, the same Father calls us. He wants us, as His children, to each become an obey-er, just like Jesus.

Being church is living Christianity 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And every child of God can do just that because the Holy Spirit is not just here to stay in a believer's life on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings but every minute of the day, even if one is just sitting down or lying in bed. We are the temple of God, and wherever we go, we stay the same-the church of Jesus Christ.

Being church is neither going to church nor doing church activities. It is not a full-time or part-time Christian, and most of all; it is not a Sunday-going believer. It is not defining worship as attending worship services in church buildings. Also, it is not having a specialized ministry (a person who specializes in specific ministry in the church or someone who is a part of an elite group that does a specific task in the church or outside the church but is overseen by someone higher in authority like a pastor).

Wherever I go, I meet tens if not hundreds of Christians who don't care about going to church anymore. It's not that they have lost their faith, but rather that they have kept it until now. And they're afraid of losing it if they were to join a church! Most of these folks are not just pew sitters but have ministries in their local churches. Amazingly, I've also learned some have backslidden not because they were made to stumble by someone outside church, but by someone inside it!

"Eastern disciplines became popular in the 1970s; some Christians have searched their own tradition for an inner path to the divine, hoping to balance or even supplant the sometimes-dry diet of Sunday churchgoing." - Bart Ehrman

Millions of Christians around the world are aware of this kind of Christian Modernization. They are not ignorant anymore of the two-faced mask of hypocrisy and its effect on divisions in the body.

Let us hear from author, David Barrett, and see if the message is the same here and everywhere. He said, "World Christian Encyclopedia, estimates there are already 112 million 'out-of-church Christians' globally." He expects this number to double by 2025.

New Zealand pastor Alan Jamieson, author of the book A Churchless Faith, has been studying this phenomenon for years and says it is not the "normal churchgoers" who are leaving the church for reasons of faith:

· 94% of the Christians he has interviewed, who are currently without a church, were in positions of leadership or responsibility, such as deacons, elders and Sunday school teachers.

· 40% of them were once in full-time ministry.

· Many of them said they left the church not because they had lost their faith, but exactly because they did not want to lose it."

This may be weird, but it's real. (See also Barna Research Group and Andrew Strom's book, Out of Church Christians.)

Are these people looking for a different kind of Christianity? Are they tired of being religious? Could it be attending church -- Sunday after Sunday, week after week, month after month, and year after year, both now and forever, amen –- doesn't make you a good Christian? Maybe that's why Justin Kuek, a church planter of 20 years, comments that good Christians don't go to church! He even wanted to write a book about that. Check out the label my friend. See if you've called by His Name. Otherwise, you might end up as just another brand of Christianity on the sidewalk.

"There's a lot of interest in early Christian diversity because people who have left church, and some who are still in it, are looking for another way of being a Christian." - Marcus Borg

Structured Christianity?

If you really want to check on Jesus life and ministry in the gospels you will find out Jesus never did the same thing twice in the same way. In other words, He wasn't into techniques but was unpredictable. In our human strength (or perhaps more accurately weaknesses), we try to systematize everything Jesus did. For example, Peter who, after seeing heavenly glory, wanted to build Tabernacles in the mountain where Jesus was transfigured. And not only one, but three!

There's also the time when Jesus spat on the ground and made clay and put it on a blind man's eyes and commanded him to wash it in the pool. May I ask those who have a Healing of the Blind Ministry, did Jesus use a clockwise or a counterclockwise motion? Or maybe I will specialize with a Spitting Ministry. Do you want me to spit on you?

Jesus' life was never structured; He simply obeyed His Father. Singing for 30 minutes may not be worship at all. Worship is obedience to what He called us to be. That is the highest form of worship. It is the expression of our redeemed lives, our way of life. We cannot just put our Lord or His ways into a system.

Churches today are like spiritual machines. Programs are their survival kits. People love to pour their money into the machine to keep it running. But in reality, church life is like a wind: you don't know where it goes. It is a journey, a daily journey. It cannot be sewn up in the intellect; it must be uncovered during the journey.

Be Led By The Spirit And Walk In The Spirit

Have you wondered why we are to be led by and walk in the Spirit? Because a disciple is a follower, a follower of Jesus' footsteps, we are on a journey. No wonder the measurement of our maturity is to be like Christ and the end of it is when we see Him face to face (1 John 3:2). So it's not joining Discipleship Class 101 or working our way through a curriculum but it is a lifelong day-to-day commitment. A "take up your cross daily and follow Me" subject. The fruit of the Spirit are not there as proof of maturity but is part of the progress of your journey toward Christ. It is not the sign of your qualification as a mature person but a quality of the life you live before everybody. It is not the end of your journey; it is your endless journey until you meet met Him.

We are not only not religious, but we're not legalists either. We are not guided by rules, but we are guarded by our freedom in Christ. Paul rightly claimed, "Everything is permissible to me but not everything is beneficial." What a freedom we have in Christ!

You Can Be Natural And At The Same Time Spiritual

Jesus was the most spiritual person on earth and He was also the most natural person on earth. Our religious assumption is that we're trying to separate our natural life from our spiritual life. When we have devotions, we think we are more holy and closer to God. We feel spiritual. But how about afterwards? When we "minister" we feel spiritual. But when we're done ministering what are we?

The only valid answer is: You are religious, not spiritual -- making Sunday a holy day just because you've gone to church, then considering Monday through Saturday unholy because you go to work. You are separating the sacred from the secular. You are not righteous, you are religious! And the danger of being religious is that it prevents you from obtaining the real thing.

The best word we have for this is "hypocrite." One man entered a church on Sunday morning and wondered why the people there ignored and avoided him. "Ah, I see," he realized. "They don't like smoking.Church people don't like smoking." So he threw away his cigarette butts. People started to welcome him, believing he was touched by God's presence in church. After church he went home, opened the cabinet and lit a piece of cigar. Next Sunday members thought he stopped smoking because of a touch from God's presence. No. It was their legalism and their religiosity. What did this man learn? He learned to play the game of hypocrisy. Where? In the church. And often pastors are the biggest hypocrites there.

I Am The Church Where Should I Go?

God in heaven transferred His residence from a temple building to a temple body, which is Christ's church on earth. Even from the beginning, God's original intention was to stay in a Tent, which is mobile, not in a Tabernacle, which is stable. But even then God granted David's desire, but not for long. "God became flesh and dwelt [tabernacled in Greek] among us." He wants to have a movement of people, not a monument of bricks. He wants called out ones, a community, and a nation of priests. And only God can move people into such a movement of ekklesia.

Movement of ekklesia. Who can make a difference? God's only purpose for giving His people the Laws, priests, sacrifices, the Temple and circumcision was for them to be different from all peoples of the earth. But a short time later they intermarried with other nations. The pagans' gods became their gods. They became friends with the world and developed enmity toward God. Is there any difference? Instead of these nations following them, God's people became their followers. The important thing is not that we do church differently. What counts is how we live life differently.

“The Lord simply said, "I will change the understanding and expression of Christianity in one generation.” - Mike Bickle

Sunshine, Waves, and Sand

2008-08-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the beach and it was wonderful. No broken bones this time! The weather was perfect: sunny and breezy. The waves were breaking far off shore and were very mild, so it was perfect for the kids to get some body surfing in. I even got out there with them! Even my son was getting into playing in the waves. He kept wanting to go out further into the water. As I was sitting in my beach chair soaking in the sun and the breeze, I felt so blessed. Today was a good day. Oh yeah, on the way home my middle daughter said, "Mom, I really like that you play with us at the beach." That made me feel like I had done my job today.

New Group

2008-08-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

Today I had a group of life learners over to my house and it was really refreshing. I was a bit insecure, but felt good about it. Not sure what these families beliefs are other than how they homeschool. I ned to get to the point where I can express myself and my faith without timidity. I tend to always worry about offending people. I need to work on this. Something to pray for if anyone out there in the void happens to be praying for me. Anyhow, back to the life learners. Hoping to get together with them again soon.

I AM NOT IN A BOX!

2008-08-13T14:11:00.001-07:00

Ok, so you know how I sent out the e-mail that I have another blog now for my homeschooling journey, well strike that. I don't know why I felt I needed to separate the two. I am always trying to categorize myself. Homeschooling is something I do. It's part of me. This blog is about my entire journey... so I am deleting the other blog and posting everything about me here. Take it or leave it. If homeschooling offends anyone, they can just not read my blog! Ok, I feel better now. Do I need to apologize? I was a bit harsh there. Sorry. Here is the post I made on my other blog. No need to read it again if you read the other one.

A Good Day

No matter what your philosophy or method, there will be good days and bad days. Today was a good day. The Lord was gracious enough to wake me up refreshed early this morning so I could have some good God time and go running. This is the second time He has done this in the past week or so and it helps me to see his intention toward me in a great way. After breakfast and everyone doing the morning dishes, I told the kids to have fun. I went into my room and started writing some letters to a few friends I wanted to send my blessing and love to. Cameron worked on her "Recycled Village" adding fish made out of buttons and string, ponds for them to go into, and people. Chloe decided to write some letters too. She made a card for my sister with a picture in it, then dictated to me what to write. Xander made cards too by cutting and pasting paper to his hearts content. Then, Cameron worked on the story she's been writing. She is typing this story, so she only does a few sentences at a time, as it takes her awhile. Sometimes she will do a whole page. After cleaning up our messes, we ate lunch and prepared for Sacred Hour (our one hour quiet time). I read aloud "The Little Drummer Boy" to Xander and then read aloud "Please Bury me in the Library" by Patrick Lewis. I loved this book and I put it on my list of books I want to buy. It is a whole poem book about reading. It has great illustrations too. Here is one of the poems:

Great, Good, Bad

A great book is a homing device

For navigating paradise.

A good book somehow makes you care

About the comfort of a chair.

A bad book owes to many trees

A forest of apologies.

Cameron read to herself during sacred hour and Chloe looked at books while Xander slept. After Sacred Hour, the kids played. Before dinner time, they got out the tangrams and made all sorts of shapes. Even my husband got involved. When I started taking pictures of the kids playing, they wanted to take pictures so I let them. Before bed I read aloud a chapter from "Little House on the Prairie". All this stuff was done without me prompting them to do any of it. My only instructions were to have fun. So, here's to life learning and all the adventures there are to behold.

Helpful Tips

2008-08-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

I found this great list of helpful household tips that you have to read. I am definitely going to try out the ant killer one, because we have a major ant problem right now. Enjoy!

http://kopiaste.blogspot.com/2008/02/some-helpful-household-tips.html

My Other Blog

2008-08-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

After going round and round with the Lord, I decided to stay on the homeschooling path for our family right now. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but this is here and now in our lives. I started a separate blog to to talk about our homeschooling journey. You can visit it at www.schillerjourney.blogspot.com . Hope to see you there.

Great Quote

2008-08-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

I found this quote attached to the end of an e-mail and I loved it! Here it is:

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity. - Christopher Morley

Chapter 6: Relationships

2008-08-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

Chapter 6: Relationships

An interesting dynamic has been taking place during all of this emotional turmoil, an underlying plot. Through all the conversations with my husband I am beginning to see how much he loves me. I am beginning to understand that I can entrust him with my heart. I thought I understood that before. I thought I was open to him, but now I am seeing another level of depth. I have this security in my heart that he just loves and loves and loves me and always will. I think before I was afraid of what would happen when I got older and less attractive, or what would happen if I gained weight. My worst fear: what would happen when he got tired of me being so emotionally unstable. It wasn’t even a fear that he would leave me, but a fear that he would disapprove of me. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel free from that fear. It allows me to give him everything in my heart and not worry about being rejected by him. In areas where my heart would automatically close up to him before I am stopping and willingly opening those areas to him. I can see that me giving him my heart allows him to open himself up to me more. It’s a beautiful thing and I am incredibly grateful for it.

This morning I was thanking God for this and just having a conversation with Him. The Spirit started showing me that I was able to love more because of how loved I felt. He showed me that understanding how loved I am by the Lord will be what allows me to open my heart to Him. So that’s how it works? I never really grasped that before. It always seemed so selfish to need the Lord to show me how much He loves me in order for me to love him. I felt like I should just love Him because he is so great, such a wonderful God. The way I love the Lord is more of a respect. I am so in awe of him and his greatness. He has done great things for me and for mankind. He has saved us through his son. He has sacrificed and bled for us. But, that hasn’t led me to deep open love with him. It has led me to deep respect for him. The kind of love a great leader would receive from his people. But, that’s not what God wants. That’s not what we were created for. That’s not why Jesus died. Jesus died so we could have relationship with him, so that we would not just respect him as a leader, but love him as a husband. Love him with our hearts wide open. He wants us to be one with him.

To know the Lord in a love relationship like this would be to fulfill my heart. It is all I seek. It is freedom. It is Joy. It is rich and fulfilling, where I will never thirst again. It is my purpose and my place. It is the answer. The only thing I need now is, for God to show me how much he loves me. This will be my prayer.

Janet is Hungry

2008-07-31T15:14:00.000-07:00

I found a great blog called Janet is Hungry. Check it out. I will be visiting her when I need to make my meal plan! You can click on the link on my blog to get to her site. It is in the Blogs I frequent section on the sidebar.

Book Recommendation

2008-07-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

"The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear," by Don and Audrey Woods is a classic book that every child should have the chance to enjoy. My mother read it to my sisters and I when we were little and I now have gone through two copies reading it to my children. I so enjoy it. I also enjoy "Quick as a Cricket" by the same authors.

Inland Empire Writers Club

2008-07-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today I went to my first Inland Empire Writer's Club meeting. It was great and I am planning to join. It was encouraging and planted a bit of hope back into me. I have been so intimidated lately by the writing world and talking to the other writers, most of whom have been published numerous times, made me feel like I could do this thing. They started the meeting with a writing exercise, but I was late and wasn't able to participate. So, I did it on my own. The assignment? 5 Minutes to describe your mind. Here's what I came up with on my drive home. It's beginning to sound redundant, but this is just where I am at.

My Mind

My mind is a desert loop that crosses a hill.

Well worn by my thoughts and the things that I feel.

It’s covered in signs

The hill

By me

All posting, “Dear Lord, please set me free!”

Chapter 5: The Cold Hard Truth

2008-07-24T22:07:00.001-07:00

Chapter 5: Cold Hard Truth

I feel like I am on this time out. Like God said, “Ok Turbo, let’s just sit you over here for awhile, away from all reality and other people, and let you calm down.” This was, of course, after I sat down on the top of this hill I keep climbing and said, “I WILL NOT MOVE UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES! I REFUSE TO TAKE ANOTHER LAP!” (I wonder how I would have faired as an Israelite in the desert?)

This time out has been really good for me. I feel like it has given me permission to sit down and think about my life. To think about who I am, where I am going, and why we are all here. I never thought of it as a luxury before, but it really, truly is. It’s hard in life to take the time out of all our busyness and just contemplate things. I am gaining this incredible perspective of life and how meaningless it all is. There is some freedom in that, but there is something missing. With no meaning, there is no hope.

On that note, I received an e-mail from father saying he thinks I need medication. “It may be hereditary depression, due to a hormonal imbalance,” he says.

At first I laugh at this. I think, “He would assume that.” (He is a therapist.)

My defenses go up saying, “God told me all emotions are good. Maybe that advice was for this. It was advice for a piece of armor against this attack. Why does the world always want happiness in our lives and nothing else?”

Then my mind brings me to when I was going to this great alterative medicine doctor In Colorado who practiced applied kinesiology. When I was seeing him and regulating my hormones, when I was getting healthy, I had a stable mood. I remember feeling like I could accomplish anything, even long-term ideas. Maybe this is hormonal.

After a few days of considering this, I am in front of God and I just spill my beans. I tell Him exactly how I feel, because…well, I am basically naked in space and completely exposed anyhow, right?

I tell Him, “Thank you for showing me that I have a problem. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I am glad that there may be hope for emotional stability in the future, but I also feel like the knowledge of that takes away from what I’ve been going through. There’s something exciting about being manic/depressant. Everything is dramatic. I don’t want this whole journey I’ve been on with you to be for not. I don’t want to live a Pottery Barn life that never makes a difference. I don’t want to be an extra in your story. I want to be the heroine. I want to be the bride! I want every inch of my life to be worth something. I don’t want to just take up space.

Yet, my heart is tired. It feels like it’s on its last string. I’m ready to settle a bit. I know that in my current hormonal state, I will never be able to be intentional about anything. Knowing that if I get better I’ll be able to accomplish some things encourages me to change. I just still want to be me. I don’t know why I feel like I can’t be me if I’m healthy. That’s kind of sad, now that I think about it.

I am hopeful. I think I could actually be more of me if I were stronger. I know you created me with an incredible strength. I crave that strength: the strength of Deborah, enough to lead Israel.

The last few years I have been so weak, but you have used it to mold my heart. I have been so humbled. I no longer judge or exclude people like I used to, because I now know all of us have breaking points; all of us are fallible; all of us have weaknesses. We are all on a journey and none of us have arrived. ‘We do the things we do not want to do, and the things we want to do we do not do.’ That Paul guy knew what he was talking about. Lord, lift me up from where I am. Be faithful to complete a good work in me. My soul depends on it.”

Quick note

2008-07-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

I appreciate everyone's concern and love for me. I have been getting comments about my story with people being extremely worried about me. My story was written awhile ago. I am just only releasing a chapter at a time. The Lord has done a lot in my life since these were written. Keep reading.

Tara

Chapter 4

2008-07-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Chapter 4: Changing the way I view Myself

I am beginning to realize that I will just have to put aside what I think is so important during my day and give God what He is asking for. I cannot wait for this dream vacation with Him to happen. So I am going to Him right here in my life. I have go to Him because my heart no longer possesses a will. It has no hope, no purpose. When there is no hope and no purpose, death begins to seem like a welcome retreat. I often think to myself, I wish I could just die already and get this meaningless life over with. I’m not thinking this way because my life is hard or I am angry about my circumstances. It’s just that a life without meaning is no life at all. Many people would argue that I have kids and a husband; there is plenty of meaning in that! Well, when you are thinking that none of it matters anyway because their lives are meaningless too, that’s where the problem comes in. At this point, a family death would not scare me. It’s freeing really.

I think, “That just gets us into heaven all that much sooner to spend eternity with our groom in peace and paradise.”

I am not at all suicidal; I just don’t care if I live. I feel like I would not miss a thing. There would be no regrets.

The Lord is strong and can handle everything I throw at him. He can handle me being depressed. He knew I was going to be. He knows I will be again. This is something I love about him. He is never shocked or insecure. He just speaks to my heart where I am and tells me what I need to hear in order to change and grow more towards my purpose.

I decide to talk to my husband about all of this. I don’t want to. I hate sounding crazy. I know what I sound like. I tell him God is taking away my schedule and the structure in my life. I tell him I don’t care if I die. I tell him I feel like there is no point to life.

He starts to draw out of me the things I never want to talk about and it ‘s good to hear feedback. The Lord is really talking to him and speaking to me through him. I tend to forget that we need each other: the family of God. I tend to think it can all be accomplished with God alone if only our relationship were perfect. Yet, even Adam needed Eve and he walked with God. He hadn’t even sinned and created a separation yet.

Through the conversation with my husband and the conversations I had with God I am starting to see some things. One thing God told me was that all emotions are good. Happy is not the only good emotion. Emotions make a person alive. When you are sad, be sad. When you are happy, be happy. When you are angry, be angry. When you’re excited, be excited. And, let others experience emotions without being threatened by them. If another person is upset, it is not necessarily the best thing to try to cheer them up. Emotions have to run their coarse sooner or later. Whether right at the moment of infliction or years down the road when you explode or a therapist digs it out of you. They are living. They do not go away by ignoring them.

This is huge for me, as I feel horrible when I am sad. I feel ashamed, like I am doing something wrong. This offers me a bit of freedom. Freedom is my only goal and hope in my life right now.

Another thing the Lord is showing me is how He wants to direct my life. He tells me I am a free spirit. Wow! I want to be that! He’s helping me see that I like the idea of structure and plans, but hate the monotony of them. I can never actually live in them. He reminds me of a time when I had actually willed myself to live in a routine and schedule. I was doing well. My house was clean, my kids were in check, my meals in order. Then something happened. I got bored. For two or three days I did nothing. I just let it pile up. When there was some challenge presented, it became interesting again and I cleaned and created a new plan. I like to plan. I hate to live in it. I need variety.

The Lord wants me to live day by day with Him leading my life. This freaks me out because I can’t plan. The plans make me feel secure, even though I never really follow through with them. He wants me to give up planning and feeling like a failure when I don’t follow through with them. He wants me to wake up and smell the roses. Live each day for that day never knowing what it may bring. He gently reminds me that even though I don’t have a plan, he does. So far, he has never lied to me and only been ever faithful. Can I bring myself to trust Him?

Living like this takes incredible faith! It sounded great until the today when I woke up and had no plan. However, he reminds me of a prophecy he has given me. He says I will be like Deborah. I will be a prophet and a leader. He brings to my attention that a prophet has to listen to God and do what he says. The only way I can do that is to give up my own plans and embrace his. This gives me a goal, a purpose. I don’t know how, but the Lord is going to use me. This I can live with.

Chapter Three: The Breakdown

2008-07-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Chapter Three: The Breakdown

I have a major flaw. Every three months or so, I have a complete emotional breakdown; my poor husband. I am worried he will commit me soon. You see, there is a cycle. I start off doing great. I have restructured my life and I am heading out with a plan. My kids respond well to it and we are on a roll. The house is clean, manners are good, school is exciting, and mommy is happy. Then, a couple of weeks in, usually not more than two or three, something happens. I’m not sure what it is or if it is the same thing each time, but it all falls apart in my head. I just lose all interest in whatever it is we are doing. I start to feel like I am doing it all wrong and that something needs to change. I feel like there has to be more to life than this and I start asking God what is wrong. After a while, I become completely overwhelmed with something, it’s different every time, and I have an emotional breakdown.

I usually rebound after a pep talk from my husband, but right now, a pep talk is not going to help. You see, I recognize the pattern. I don’t want to visit this place again. I am not moving from this spot in my life until something drastic has changed. I am not moving until I figure it out! I am going to sit on top of this hill that I keep climbing and change, before I take another step. I refuse to stake in another flag that says, “I’ve been here. I’m here again!”

So, what do I do? I start from point A. Purpose. I know my purpose in this life is to have relationship with God. I know that I must do this on Earth because love is not true deep love, unless we choose it through trials and hardships. It’s not true love unless it comes with a price. So, I need to get away with God. I know this and I write my husband (poor husband) a letter.

“Dear Husband,

I need to leave and get away by myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live in this prison I have created for myself in my heart. I want to be free. I want to be adjusted and happy. I can’t push it to the back of my mind anymore. It kills me to see the effects of this on you and the kids. I need to get away with the Lord and have a break through. I need something to change. I can’t pretend that I don’t anymore. I need to get away from distractions and get with the Lord until something changes. It’s summer for the kids so a schedule isn’t needed. I’ll talk to my mom about watching them during the day until you get home from work. I don’t know how long this is going to take, but it is so crucial to the rest of our lives that I get this resolved and get on a path to freedom. I realize this is a lifelong journey, but I need a boot camp of sorts to get me started. I know this will be hard, but I feel this is necessary. I can see a path of destruction before me if I don’t change. I love you. You are the most amazing husband I could ever hope for.”

I picture myself living alone in a borrowed beach house learning about myself, learning about God. I picture a sense of independence and strength growing in my heart. A sense of purpose. I long for it and feel it is necessary. Then my husband reads the letter.

Dear husband is troubled by this letter, understandably. He says it sounds like one of those letters you get just before your wife leaves you, never to return. I try to assure him that I adore him and the kids and would never leave them. He understands and says it will be hard having me gone, but he gets it. I start to feel selfish. I also start to feel like it is a fantasy that will never happen. Where will I stay? Will my mom really see that I need her to watch the kids or will she be completely upset and burdened? My hope begins to fade.

2008-07-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

part of mE wanTs to live a life of chaos and traVel. a life where Nothing is predIctable bUt everything is aliVe with coloR.

Another part of me wants to live a stable life of matching furniture and farm house hospitality. Gardens that thrive and are pruned daily, accompany my guests on my veranda.

Which one will win? Who will I become? Who am I really? ONly time will tell.

Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

2008-07-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

My view of life and how one should act and live has been formed in a very scientific way. I looked around me, saw what people were doing and how they were living, picked out the traits I thought were the most noble and enriching, and set that as my standard. Ok, truthfully I read about people in books and idealized them. I don’t know of many real people that I have gathered much from. So, these were not real people, or at least not the full spectrum of real people. And, since most of the books I read were classics (being told to do so by the “experts”) and books about homeschooling, I begin to form a very old fashioned and unobtainable view of what was right.

If I were the perfect mother, I would live on a farm, always be graceful, organized, beautiful, in great shape, cook everything from scratch, and be a very supportive and submissive wife. I would never yell, always have a plan, get up at sunrise and be consistent, consistent, consistent. I would be happy…that happy thing still haunts me; it is the one thing I cannot fake.

These are all great things, but my view leaves me with no room for reality. No emotion but happiness and warmth. No bad days. No sick days. No summer break. No PMS. No kids that just don’t want to clean up their room. No clutter. No…life. Real life is messy and I have a hard time dealing with real life, because it doesn’t live up to my standard. It overwhelms me, because I can’t maintain my fantasy and live in real life at the same time. What do I do? What do I do?

The obvious answer to the question above is, “Let go of the fantasy.” Well, easier said than done. You see, all the elements in my standard are good and right, so which ones do I let go of? I’ve tried to let go of my schedule and then my house falls apart and my kids get cranky because they need structure. I’ve tried to let go of the farm thing, but I just hate track homes. I’ve tried to not care about what we eat, but then I gain ten pounds and end up really sick. You get the picture. So, where do I go from here? The answer: total breakdown.

Chapter One: School

2008-07-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

I am writing a raw story. One of those crazy things where you expose yourself to everyone in the planet. Well, here it is: This is chapter one, un-edited. This was a little while back that I started this.

Chapter One: School

I’m standing here in my three-year-old son’s closet and wondering, “Who am I? Who am I?” The question we all must face sooner or later I guess. I hate that it is so cliché. I wish I were the only one dealing with it, so that people wouldn’t look at me and just know I’ll get through it. It’s a big deal. I feel like it is a make or break thing. If I choose wisely, I could be one of those people that lives differently and experiences life to it’s fullest. If I choose poorly or just gloss over all this, I could end up as the typical housewife who has a midlife crises when her children leave the nest and she is faced with only herself to look at in the mirror every day, while her husband sleeps with the adventurous secretary who hasn’t sold herself out to her kids and husband and forgotten who she was all those years. I know there are other alternatives, but those are all I can see right now.

It was all those “How to Parent” books I read. Even worse, the “How to Homeschool” books. Yes, I home school my three children. As if being a normal mom wasn’t enough of a challenge, I had to go and home school. Why? Simple. I am eccentric. Somewhere along the line, home schooling seemed like it would be fun! I had visions of my kids and I studying rocks by going out on a hike and touching and feeling them. Learning about the water cycle while laying on the grass of an open meadow or park watching clouds float by. Learning all the different flower parts and species while we grew an amazing garden. Reenacting historical events in costume. Being gathered around the fireplace reading aloud from a great book that we just couldn’t put down. That was home schooling in my mind. It was family and knowledge and fun wrapped up in a perfect package.

Well, enter homes schooling experts. (Those people that are trying to sell you their way to do things.) Everyone has a theory. Everyone’s theory is the right way. If you don’t do it the right way, you will basically ruin your children’s ability to learn and function as an extraordinary person in life. You will kill their love of learning or leaves gaps in their education. You will ruin their relationship with God… catch my drift.

Some unimpressionable people would blow these “experts” off and follow their heart. That is not me. I am very impressionable. (Something that I have grown to despise about myself.) I eat up what these experts say and try to fulfill it. I try to change myself to fit their mold. I consistently try to be that perfect homeschooling mother and do what is best for my kids. The only problem is, I hate it! It’s not fun. It stresses me out and makes me cranky. I constantly try to forget myself and mold my life around these three little angles that all have different learning styles and personalities, leading inevitably to a break down every few months when my motor can’t push against the wake any longer! Aghh!!!

I realize that I have been poorly programmed and I want to deprogram what I have been told. I want to regain my naivety and bliss. I try to do this. I reschedule my day. I come up with a new plan. I put my kids on the waiting list at a charter school because I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I get depressed and my house starts to look like a TLC show needs to stop by and do a “Clean Sweep.”

Yet, through it all, the little voices of the experts bleed through. The numerous studies that have been done proving their point, etch at my mind. The sad thing is, I wonder if it is more about me being a failure, than me wanting the best thing for my kids. I haven’t decided which one of those points drives me the most yet. Right now, deep down, I hate life. I wonder why God had to put us here in the first place. Why couldn’t he just place us in heaven where we could be in perfect relationship with Him always? I know the answer, but I am depressed and ignore it.

Superior Saturday

2008-07-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

The sixth book in The Keys to the Kingdom series, Superior Saturday, was released today. Of course we rushed to the book store to get it! We read the prolog and two chapters aloud tonight as a family, then we had to put it down because it was bed time. Actually, my husband is reading on as we speak. As soon as we finish it I will give it a proper review. If you have never heard of this series, you must get it. It is a great book for the whole family. This is a great series to give to boys, although girls enjoy it just as much. The author is Garth Nix. If you can find the audio books, the actor that reads them is great! I know the library has had them in both counties and states I have lived in. For now, happy reading.

Film Festival Sneak Peak

2008-06-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to the Temecula Film Festival Sneak Peak. This is running every Thursday night in a vacant business suite for 7 weeks. The films that are shown are films the Film Festival Committee are considering for the festival. After a film is viewed, each viewer fills out a questioner about the movie. Depending on the ratings from the viewers, the movie will or will not be shown at the festival.

The first film we saw was a feature film tentatively called "Still Water". This film is a thriller, so it is exciting. The directing is sharp, and the cinematography is appealing. The acting is surprisingly good, giving it a Hollywood feel, as opposed to "filmed in the back yard." The writing was unpredictable, although my husband did call it. There was great character and story line development. I felt like the writer did a good job with the flow of things. Overall, very professional and a movie I would recommend, although it was a little crude...but what thriller isn't.

The next film we saw was a short. It was called, "The Amazing Renaldo". This was a very cute movie with cheesy acting and a low budget feel. However, I am convinced that is the way the director wanted it to feel. I do not feel like they were trying to do something out of their league and fell short. It was very entertaining and funny. A definite feel good movie I would love to have around to show people at a party. Quirky and artistic.

The third and last film we saw was also a short. It was called, "Swimming." This was a slow, low budget film that had a touching story with a little quirkiness thrown in. The acting of the supporting characters and extras was a bit weak, making it feel like you were watching a movie being made. The main characters were fluent though. Interesting story worth the time it takes to watch it. I enjoyed this film. It touched an abstract part of me.

It was neat to be able to be a part of this process. Considering going again.

Summer is for Friends and Family

2008-06-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

I have been so blessed lately by friendships. The Lord is opening up doors for relationships all over the place. This past week we have been able to visit with some friends from Washington that are in town on a visit and it has really blessed us and our children. There are a whole bunch of other new friends we have been making too, and I am excited about it. It seems for the last two years, when we were in Colorado, friendships were hard and few. Now I am grateful, because it would have been harder to leave if we had all sorts of really close friends there. I did take a few friendships from Colorado, though. It's nice to be able to not worry about anything during the summer and just visit with others until late at night. That is why Summer is for friends and family. Good food, good friends, great family, a loving God... what more could we want?

Emergency room again!

2008-06-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

My husband is an incredibly competitive guy. He does not like to lose. So on Friday, just to beat me out, he dislocated and fractured his finger while we were at the beach! The best part: He didn't even wince. I was balling of course when I hurt my arm, and he calmly walks up to me and says, "We have to go, I broke my finger." Then he shows me his mangled finger that was in all the wrong places. Another lady we were there with even asked him if he was in the military before, when he was trying to relocate his finger with a calm expression like it was no big deal. So, anyhow, we ended up at the same emergency room, with the same insurance that doesn't start for a few more days. Oh, the dramas of life. This is the x-ray of his finger and a picture of his splinted hand.

Restaurant Review

2008-06-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today my mother and I went to a new restaurant in Temecula called Rodrigo's Mexican Grill. It is decorated well with unique architecture like thick wood slated walls and geometric lamps. Classy Mexican art graces the walls, but it is not overdone. There is this great wall hanging at the front hostess desk with ceramic plates hanging from a wood slate. The waitress was very attentive... ok a little too attentive. My mom and I were there maybe 30 minutes and she came to our table about ten times. I think the combination of her being new and it not being very busy at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday, made her a little anxious to serve! I honestly have never had that problem before. I was tempted to tell her something different every time she asked how everything was, just to keep her busy. However, I kindly replied that everything was great.

The food was typical California Mexican. (So glad to be back!) It wasn't anything particularly special, but good. The chips were a little thicker than I tend to like, but that is a matter of preference. The salsa was great. Fresh, spicy and smooth. I had the two shredded beef taco meal with rice and beans. My mom had the lunch tostada. We both had iced tea. The iced tea was great! Our meals were both lunch specials which cost around $8 each. Not too bad for an air conditioned, classy atmosphere, midday lunch, with an exceptionally attentive waitress. So, would I recommend it? I really feel neutral about it. I probably wouldn't go out of my way to recommend it, but if asked about it, I would say it was good.

Warning! Dryers Can Be Dangerous!

2008-06-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

When one thinks of the dangers of the clothes dryer, the thought of fire is the most obvious...don't be deceived. Well, we have a special dryer. Its name is Earl, affectionately named for its many quirks. One of these quirks is the fact that once it gets going, it doesn't stop until it is done or you turn the knob to off. So, when you open the door it keeps right on spinning. This is not a real issue (usually). Today, however, was not an usual day. I threw my daughters swimsuit into the dryer this morning to get it dry for a swim play date we had scheduled. (We went swimming last night and hers was not quite dry yet.) As I went to retrieve it, I opened the door of the dryer. It never occurred to me to turn the nob to off and grab the swimsuit then. No, I just stuck my hand in and tried to snatch it. There are slats inside a dryer to tumble the clothes and one of those caught my arm. (Yes, I know the opening is very large, but the swimsuit was stuck to the side.) Before I knew what was happening, my arm was flipped in a circle and discarded out of the dryer. As I sat on the floor of my laundry room sobbing from the pain, my mother (who was luckily there) found me and helped me to get to a chair. I thought I just banged it up pretty good, but the pain wouldn't go away. In fact, it was getting worse. Then, I felt my elbow. I touched the other elbow to compare and there was a definite difference. I had my mom feel it and she said, "I guess we're going to the emergency room!" The bone was not where it should be. I called hubby, still sobbing and told him what was going on. My mom called our play date and canceled. All I could think was, "What a stupid thing to do!" Luckily my sister and brother in law live close as they came and picked up the kids from the emergency room. We were there for about three hours total. Somewhere along the line, my arm readjusted itself, as my bone was no longer sticking out. The doctor said that the body will do that, just put itself back. The x-rays showed I had no broken bones, but the doctor said I had deeply bruised my soft tissue. She comforted me with, "It will be worse tomorrow." Right now I'm wishing I was good friends with a chiropractor, as my whole body is aching from the dryer jolt. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that our new health insurance doesn't kick in until July 1st. Now that is irony. What is that? 11 days? Overall, it's pretty funny really. Well, lesson learned: Don't Mess With Earl!

A Day With the Family

2008-06-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

Today we went to a beach in San Diego called Torey Pines. When we got there, the tide was in and there was really no beach at all. The parking attendant said it was on its way out though, so we decided to stick it out. This is normally a small beach with no dry sand as it is. Surprisingly, it was really nice that the beach was short as we could sit while our kids played and they were right in front of us. The water has warmed up considerably in the last month or so and it was pleasant. I had a lot of fun playing frisbee with my husband. The kids had fun playing in the water, collecting seashells, and playing a little frisbee themselves. It was overcast, but not cold and we all enjoyed it. DH got burnt, but the rest of us are just pleasantly tanned. Overall, a very relaxing and enjoyable time.

This moment

2008-06-04T11:44:00.001-07:00

I love the smell of roses. I have two at my desk right now that I am holding up to my nose every few seconds, determined to pull all the scent out of them and lock it into my memory. It is a pleasantly mild day, overcast but not too cold. There are birds chirping outside my window. I like when they do that. The house is peaceful and quiet right now. My heart is full of the love of the Lord.

Proposed future development..

2008-05-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

My dad is always talking about what technical advances to the human body we will have in the future and I thought I'd propose one. I would like to get equipped with a device that would project music from me according to my emotions, like a person in a movie. When I am sad, a sad theme song would play. When I am feeling crazy, maybe a rock or techno song...you get the picture. So if anyone out there in the void of blogging is considering creating this technology, you have my vote.

Husbands Birthday

2008-05-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

We had a birthday party for my husband yesterday. We had a lot of fun. We had some old friends come that we haven't seen in years, so it was nice to get reacquainted with them and see their kids. We also had family from both sides there, which is always interesting.

After eating and hanging out awhile, we played guys against girls Pictionary, losers clean up, to get everyone in the party mood. It was a lot of fun. Surprisingly, both my girls were great guessers! My oldest (8), even guessed pelican off of a drawing that looked...well, maybe like a starfish throwing up. When she said, "Pelican!" and the drawer, not naming names, said, "Yes! Pelican!" we lost it.

After Pictionary, the girls cleaned up (having lost) while everyone took potty breaks, had some cake, and got drinks. We set up the stage and I changed for the interpretive dance my mother and I had planned. The title was, "The Sniffles, narrated by (My Mom)". We both sat on chairs next to each other and I curled up into a ball on mine. Slowly I let my leg start dropping down, then my mom sniffed in (using the microphone for emphasis) and I pulled my leg up. We continued with this, me pulling my leg up subtly with small sniffs and fast and dramatically with deep determined sniffs. Some people, like my sister and brother in law, got it right away, and were laughing. Some people were just waiting for something to happen, probably thinking we were off our rocker. Just before we ended with our big sneeze, my husband told the other half of the people that I was the snot, and then they laughed. My mom sneezed and I flew off the chair for the big finale.

Then we played some improv. games and told embarrassing stories. By that time it was late and people started to leave. It was a fun night. Looking forward to some more Saturday night drama.

PRINCE CASPIAN REVIEW

2008-05-16T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today our whole family arrived at the local theater to the first showing of the day to see "Prince Caspian". We went to the 11:45am showing and I was surprised at the lack of a crowd. My husband pointed out that not everyone is a stay at home mom that can go to the movies in the middle of the day. Huh.

Well, we were full of anticipation, excited to see our beloved book on film...and were completely let down. The movie was horrible. So horrible that I am tempted to seek out the director and slap him in the face. Too harsh? Well, you might feel the same way if you were a lover of the book. It was so far from the original that I don't think they should be able to call it "Prince Caspian". They completely changed the story, leaving out crucial information, not building characters at all, and adding scenes and circumstances that weren't even a part of the book. They even added Queen Susan and Prince Caspian falling in love with each other!!!! They even kissed at the end. That wasn't even a thought in the book!!! Peter was a whiny brat throughout the whole movie, whereas in the book he is noble and acts like the high king, and he and Caspian got into a full blowout, even drawing swords on each other. I left the theater enraged at the sheer gull of the director. It was like he said, "C. S. Lewis didn't know what he was talking about. Let me change it into something to get ratings." A side note: It was really for a little older crowd as it was scary and there was a lot of killing.

So, I'm sure you know this by now, but I would not waste my money on seeing it. Even if you've never read the book, it wasn't done well enough to pay $9 to see it. Rent it from a Red Box for a dollar when it comes out.

Family Time

2008-05-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

We had a great Mother's Day with our family. My sister and her husband came over as well as my grandmother and father, my mother already being here. We ate a great meal, played boys against girls Pictionary, went to the park and played softball, came home and roasted marshmallows and made smores with our new fire pit,

bathed the kids and put a movie on for them while we went in the spa and settled into a good conversation. Everyone left between nine and ten at night. It was a great day spent with family.

We are starting a Saturday night gathering and we are calling it "Embrace the Drama". We are all excited about this! This week we are building a stage and hanging lights and lanterns to set the scene. Every Saturday night will be a different theme. To start, this Saturday we are having an open mic night. This is to kick things off. It is also a celebration for DH 29th birthday. Other themes we are considering: Poetry night, blockbuster night, interpretive dance night, music night, public service announcements to be done randomly, karaoke, improv night, lip sinc and air guitar night, stand up comedy, etc... I just love fellowship with other people. Relationships are what life is about and I feel so much more alive when I live in that purpose.

Opening Night

2008-05-10T10:09:00.000-07:00

Last night my mom and I went to the opening night of "The Merc". Merc is short for mercantile and is a new music hot spot for Temecula. Three different music groups played, all high schoolers. The first one was a guy that played a jazz, rock, blues type tune on his electric guitar and had his computer as a band. Never seen someone perform like that and he was great! He lacked a little stage presence, but I think that will probably come with time as he is more and more exposed to audiences.

The second group was a 16 year old singer/songwriter and her acoustic guitar guy and electric guitar guy. Her songs were great! Radio worthy writing, really. I was impressed. Her voice could use some training and she needs a good sound guy, but otherwise, very promising. She could submit her songs to some singers and probably have a number one single.

The third group, complete with dad living through his kids guy running the video camera and setting up sound, was an all male rock band that looked goofy, but when they started playing they were great! They surprised me with their mature sound and the singer had a great voice...was not expecting that. Great music overall for the entire night.

The Merc has a little work to do before they can be great. They served drinks and cookies before the show, which was a little elementary, but then had no drinks (not even water) for the rest of the night. That's a long time to be at a place with no refreshments. They said they are working on getting their food service license. I think putting a coffee house in the front part of the building would boost their attendance big time and they have the room. Maybe I'll call someone. I also think leaving the doors open so people walking by can hear the music would boost attendance. Last night it was mostly the band's family and friends that were there and these bands definitely deserved an audience. No pictures, sorry. I forgot my camera. I did take some with my phone, so if I figure out how to get those onto my blog, I'll post them.

Living in the moment

2008-05-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

I find myself feeling overwhelmed with life and all there is in it. The world of things to do and learn is massive and interesting. There are all the household chores which, in reality, could take up an entire lifetime in themselves. Then there are the responsibilities of being a mom. I want to nurture and love my children making sure not to ignore any of them and give them what each of them needs individually. I want to spend individual time with each of them and show them love in the individual way that they receive it. Then there is school. I want my children to love learning and just drink it up. I love to learn and want that for them. Of course they need to know Math, English, Science, Social studies, and Health in grades 1-6. Then there is being a wife, and I want to be the best wife there is for my husband. Then, there's all the things I want to learn and do like music, and photography, and writing, and painting, and reading, and dancing, and going to film festivals and art museums. Let's not forget that I must do this all responsibly too. All this can get completely overwhelming! So, I bring this to God and He says, -Live in the present moment. This will greatly simplify your life. Be thankful and grateful. Notice the little things. Spend time with people. Spend time with your children. Find joy in the little things and stop waiting for large events. Lots of little things add up to big things. Do the little things well and precise and with pleasure and you will live in joy. You will be able to see the beauty in everything and nurture your kids in small moments that would normally pass you by.

Thanks Lord. Another fire extinguished. Live in the moment and all my borrowed worries go away. Jesus says, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of it's own." Amen to that. So, I'm off to do the things I have planned to do today, and I going to try not to think about what I'll do when my kids are in high school, or even what I'll do if my kids get offered a spot at the charter. Today I am a homeschooler, wife, musician, mother and a beautiful woman.

Fully Loved

2008-05-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

I am sad and confused right now. I was somewhat de-validated, if that's a word, about something I heard from God from someone I respect spiritually. I know the obvious thing would be to listen to God, but it brings doubts into my mind about whether or not I heard God right. This is very hard and discouraging. It makes me feel like I am so easily swayed. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I care so much about what other people think of me. I hate that other people's opinions sway me so much! Oh that the Lord would free me from this. I know that if I could be brought to a point of acceptance and understanding of His love and grace for me (real understanding where I not only know it with my head, but truly believe it in my heart), that I would be set free...free in Christ to live fully in His love. What a wonderful thing that would be. The thing I ask the Lord for almost daily is not money, or "security", or health, or acceptance by man. I ask Him for freedom! To live in freedom would be to release me from all the former and allow me to live. To live not out of a need to exist, but out of a need to thrive, to love and to be fully expressed.

Stuff

2008-04-28T18:41:00.001-07:00

Why is it that we, as humans, can acquire so much stuff? I feel like I am surrounded by stuff that clutters up my life, yet when I go to purge (even though I do get rid of a lot) I find that most of it feels like a requirement! Yuck!!! I want it all gone. My dad recently had to condense his life possessions down to two suitcases and a carry-on, since he is moving to Africa, and I don't know how he did it. Now, he wasn't bringing any furniture, but even if I got rid of all my furniture, and even if I purged all my kitchen stuff, I would still be surrounded by stuff! So, I am going to challenge myself to take a long hard look at what is in my life and what is really a requirement and then get rid of the rest! Wouldn't that be refreshing? I purged a lot before our move, but it seems like we have more stuff now than ever. So, wish me luck...or better yet, pray for me.

New Perspective

2008-04-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

Well, as I travel down the road of life, sometimes I end up in a well known destination with a new mindset about being there.

As I prayed this week about the school decision, I felt like the Lord told me that He wanted me to homeschool. He pointed out one of my children and told me they have a special need that I need to nourish and protect for the time being.

I hate to admit this, but part of the struggle that went on in my mind, is that I have already publicly announced the fact that I will not be homeschooling anymore and now have to take that back. Many times logic, or my logic, can justify something or make it seem like a good and right answer to a problem, but the Lord's logic is not my logic and I have to trust Him.

I have had to ask the Lord's forgiveness many times about trying to push him aside so I can just run the world already without his interference. He must chuckle about that, or worse, know that I have a lack of respect and trust for him. He is not surprised by this, He knows my heart. I think I am the only one surprised...I am only beginning to know my heart.

So for now on this journey, I am still homeschooling, but with less fear of those that are different than I am and less need to be exclusive with my relationships. I am hoping to love people for the people they are, not the culture and status they are, and I am hoping to teach my kids to do the same.

Hormones

2008-04-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

Hormones are one of those blessing/curse things. I am not authorized to speak on behalf of men, never having been one, but for woman it is a cycle of REAL emotions being drawn out by our hormones. Let me explain. Just because something bothers me when I am going through PMS, doesn't mean that it de-validates the emotion I am going through. I am really upset. Even if I recognize that I am hormonal, it does not in any way change how I feel. On the same note, just because I think my husband is the sexiest man alive when I am ovulating, doesn't mean that he isn't really that attractive to me when I am not ovulating. It is just more intensified. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that hormones are like money. Having more of them, or it, at any given time, just magnifies who you really are and what you really feel. So, if you catch me screaming at my kids or husband or cuddling my kids and making out with my husband, know that these emotions are always there, just when I get a little extra kick of hormones, they are, lets call it, more colorful. So please, if you should happen to suspect that a woman you know is having a hormonal issue, DO NOT EVER POINT IT OUT!

Disclaimer: This post was not brought on by my husband commenting on my attitude. It was more of an internal conviction.

Gratefulness

2008-04-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today, as we were walking around the Wild Animal Park, I just felt so grateful to be back in Southern California. It was a beautiful day and there was so much foliage everywhere! I never realized how lush California was until I moved to Colorado and then came back. Don't get me wrong, when I was in Colorado I loved it there too. I loved the seasons and the snow and the prairie with it's rolling hills. I especially loved just before sundown when the sun made everything look surreal and golden. I loved the cows and horses everywhere. I also loved the unpredictable weather and exciting storms. (It's always nice to have something to be dramatic about!)

However, I love California. I especially love the area we are in. It is very nice. Lots of mature trees and growth. I'll take that over large, new houses anyday....well, that's how I feel right now, but who knows, my mind is flexible.

P.S. Don't forget to vote on my poll.

Traveling

2008-04-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

This road we find ourselves on is a tricky one. Full of twists and turns and bumps and holes. The Lord is teaching me how to stop and smell the roses alongside the road. The more I stop to find the beauty and blessings around me at the moment that they are occurring, the more I love the road. I have a bad habit of looking to the future to find my joy. Planning, hoping and preparing for "something great", but all the while being discontent with the road I am on. Lately, (the last few months) I've been able to see the things around me and be grateful. It has made all the difference. I feel richly blessed. I am living the ultimate life. I am more able to do things I have wanted to do, because I am living in the moment and day. I pray that I can only get better at this. That the Lord will keep working this through me. I am convinced gratefulness is the key to unlocking happiness.

New Blog

2008-04-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

I am switching my blog over to blogspot from homeschool blogger. I am doing this because I have decided to stop homeschooling at this point in the life of my family. I am not going to pretend that I know what our future holds, not even our near future, as God has shown me that His plans are greater than mine. Overall, I am glad of it, as life would be completely boring if I knew everything that were going to happen and all that I needed to know. I have named this blog "Freedom", because that is the theme of my life right now. To my current knowledge, freedom is the opposite of fear. And I am tired of fear. It separates us from one another. It causes us to hide away and only want to be around those that are like ourselves. I don't want to live like that anymore. It leads to death. If it's all about relationship, and I believe it is, freedom is living in relationship with the Lord and being so convinced of His love for you that you are set free from religion; set free from the box we try to put God into. It is also living in relationship with the people in the world around us. Real relationship, where we love one another, not trying to constantly outdo each other or impress each other. It's valuing the relationship above our rights.

This is what I'm coming to understand. Whether or not I'll feel the same way in a year, or even a few months, I have no clue.