Chapter 6: Relationships

Chapter 6: Relationships

An interesting dynamic has been taking place during all of this emotional turmoil, an underlying plot.  Through all the conversations with my husband I am beginning to see how much he loves me. I am beginning to understand that I can entrust him with my heart. I thought I understood that before. I thought I was open to him, but now I am seeing another level of depth. I have this security in my heart that he just loves and loves and loves me and always will. I think before I was afraid of what would happen when I got older and less attractive, or what would happen if I gained weight. My worst fear: what would happen when he got tired of me being so emotionally unstable. It wasn’t even a fear that he would leave me, but a fear that he would disapprove of me. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel free from that fear. It allows me to give him everything in my heart and not worry about being rejected by him. In areas where my heart would automatically close up to him before I am stopping and willingly opening those areas to him. I can see that me giving him my heart allows him to open himself up to me more. It’s a beautiful thing and I am incredibly grateful for it.

This morning I was thanking God for this and just having a conversation with Him. The Spirit started showing me that I was able to love more because of how loved I felt. He showed me that understanding how loved I am by the Lord will be what allows me to open my heart to Him. So that’s how it works? I never really grasped that before. It always seemed so selfish to need the Lord to show me how much He loves me in order for me to love him. I felt like I should just love Him because he is so great, such a wonderful God. The way I love the Lord is more of a respect. I am so in awe of him and his greatness. He has done great things for me and for mankind. He has saved us through his son. He has sacrificed and bled for us. But, that hasn’t led me to deep open love with him. It has led me to deep respect for him. The kind of love a great leader would receive from his people. But, that’s not what God wants. That’s not what we were created for. That’s not why Jesus died. Jesus died so we could have relationship with him, so that we would not just respect him as a leader, but love him as a husband. Love him with our hearts wide open. He wants us to be one with him.

To know the Lord in a love relationship like this would be to fulfill my heart. It is all I seek. It is freedom. It is Joy. It is rich and fulfilling, where I will never thirst again. It is my purpose and my place. It is the answer. The only thing I need now is, for God to show me how much he loves me. This will be my prayer.