Grace

Two nights ago, I was exposed. I was like a volcano that had exploded. My top blown off and all my ugliness sprawled all over, completely unsheltered. As I walked around this mess, I knew there was no excuse to be made for it, no way to explain it away. There was no way to put it all back together. No way to hide it. There it all was, completely defenseless. Most of it had gone unrecognized by myself, unknown, until that night. I looked at it and was disgusted, ashamed. I wept bitterly, knowing it was all true, knowing I had not the power to change any of it. I couldn't even imagine it away. I knew there was meaning in this. I knew that I needed to see it. I knew that I was hideous and unlovable. I knew that in this state, I could not even ask for love. I didn't want to ask for it, because I had nothing to offer in return. I could promise nothing. I could not say that I would get better; that I would please in any way. All I could say was, " I am ugly." 

Then the Lord did something amazing, He looked straight at my ugliness, not denying it, and loved me anyway. He held me and loved me entirely in his own power and capacity to love, receiving nothing from me, and I was undeservedly safe. Completely accepted because of who God is, not because of who I am. It is unfathomable.

I have never understood grace like this before. Never know it to this capacity before. The Lord loved me in my shame, so I can do nothing to part from his love, nothing to un-deserve it, because I didn't deserve it to begin with.  In this, how can I not trust the Lord with my entire life, my entire being? He loves me more than I love myself. Even I was not willing to love such an ugly person, yet his love alone has made me beautiful. Therefore, the Lord may have my life to the fullest, for he has proven himself trustworthy.

-Tara