Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Moving on

I have decided that this blog is a product of an old season in my life, and so I am no longer going to blog on it. I am, however going to be blogging on my 1alive blog (should I feel like it), so feel free to sign up there to receive updates.

Monday, January 11, 2010

1Alive posts

January 11, 2010
New Oceans
I read a quote in a book yesterday that I thought was so completely pertinent in my life right now. this is from memory, so give me some grace:

A man cannot explore new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the familiar shore.

I feel like that is what I am having to do on a near constant basis right now. My love is leading me into this wonderful world of his, but it requires that I let go of the familiar shore of spirituality and religion. It’s seems so much easier to bind myself to a system of thought, rather than just living moment to moment opening my heart to Him. However, the more I open myself up, the more I discover about myself, the more free and wonderful I feel. It’s as though he is showing me just how wonderful I really am in truth, how he really sees me, and taking away all the lies I’ve believed about myself. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done…yet, somehow, the difficulty in it blows me away. I guess it wouldn’t be very rewarding to cross a mullhill anyway (I mean where’s the drama in that?), while climbing Mount Everest would make me feel alive!

Well said! Leaving the familiar is not as easy as it looks, but when you do, you wounder why you didn't do it sooner. The reward far out ways the loss of the comforts of the familiar. Like a ship leaving the dock and out to sea where the land fades in the distance to where only open sky and deep blue ocean guides your path, to where we don't know, but one thing we do know, what is found is the reward of a great treasure that are only for the hearty fools and a reckless heart... lover's gold.

January 1, 2010
Choosing Love
I want to love God, because to be without him would mean death to my very soul. It would collapse me from the inside out, because the despair would be too great. I want to love God because he touches me deeper than anyone else has ever touched me. Because his scent hypnotizes, his taste satisfies, and his touch reaches the very spot I need it to.
I do not want to love God because it is the right thing to do. I don’t want to love God for fear of disappointing him. I do not want to love God for fear of Hell. I do not want to love God so that I will not be evil. I do not want to love God because I will be judged by others if I do not.
I want to love my husband because something about him makes me come alive. I want to love him because his eyes draw me in, capturing my heart with their every passionate glance. I want to love him, because whether it be in a crowded room or in a room with just the two of us, he is the most interesting, the best looking, and the one with the most charisma. I want to love my husband, because if given the choice daily, I’d choose him over any other guy, no contest. I want to love him, because his hands are strong, his heart is soft, and his mind is genius.
I do not want to love my husband because I made a commitment to him. I do not want to love my husband for my children’s sake. I do not want to love my husband for fear of hurting his feelings. I do not want to love my husband because it’s the right thing to do.
And there is something 100 times more powerful about choosing to love purely because you want to, rather than loving for the sake of someone or something else.
This is a new discovery.
Perhaps one day Tara I will find a woman who will love like you do...a rare thing to find.

December 14, 2009
I thought about Ghandi today. How he said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I used to view that as how I wanted others to act towards me. How I wanted the world to function. The system I thought everyone should follow. A religion, a government, kindness towards all, you know the drill.
But today, as I pondered what I’d like to see change in the world, I came to a completely different conclusion. The change I’d like to see is everyone free. Free to be who they were meant to be, before the opinions, theories, and ideas of all those around them changed them into who the world wanted them to be. I’d like to see people completely free to express their hearts, even if not another soul on the planet agrees. A people that can really love themselves. A people that can see the beauty in our differences and similarities. A people not afraid to expose their thoughts and desires. A people not afraid of other people’s opinions, strengths and weaknesses. Anger, joy, zealousness, peace, melancholy, happiness. What does your heart say right now in this moment?
So this is my journey towards being the change I want to see in this world. My journey of exposing my heart, no matter what’s in there. And hoping that somewhere along the lines, others will feel loved enough to do the same.

How about the admonition in Isaiah 51:12-15 where God says…Who are you that you fear mortal man and the sons of man that are but grass?…that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor…who is this oppressor? I am the Lord your God…the Lord Almighty is his name…who say to Zion…’you are my people’!
We get so wrapped up in the terror’s of the world, and the opinions of others that we forget they are but dust, and the Lord is sooooo… much bigger than them!We’ve been made more than conquerors….let’s go out today with that attitude!
How about the admonition in Isaiah 51:12-15 where God says...Who are you that you fear mortal man and the sons of man that are but grass?...that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor...who is this oppressor? I am the Lord your God...the Lord Almighty is his name...who say to Zion...'you are my people'!
We get so wrapped up in the terror's of the world, and the opinions of others that we forget they are but dust, and the Lord is sooooo... much bigger than them!
We've been made more than conquerors....let's go out today with that attitude!

December 14, 2009
A Child's Heart
My children are so innocent and wonderful! It has been raining here the last few days making for really soft, muddy dirt in the back yard. Naturally then, today they were out digging in it (two of them barefoot!*), when they discovered a “dinosaur bone.” It did look like a bone, but I’m thinking maybe some previous resident dog’s lost treat. They were so excited! Then they began to find other pieces, such as teeth and a small skull (rocks). My two oldest knew they were playing, but I think secretly hoping it was true that they could discover dinosaur bones. My youngest (5) was into the search, but in a calm, scientific way, as if it were his everyday job to discover such things. It’s amazing watching them. If only one could maintain their innocence, their self confidence, the sense in themselves that they can do anything, go anywhere, and love anybody. If only I could find a way to open their hearts forever, and never let another person close it up. Can I even live to that standard? That’s the way I want to be. That’s who I want to be. I want to see the wonderful beauty in all people. The part of them that has been buried from childhood when someone told them they were wrong for feeling or thinking the way they were meant to. To restore myself and those around me into their innocence. Wouldn’t that be beautiful?


After 4 years of searching to find the meaning of life, and being willing to do anything to find it, I have come to the simplest of conclusions: to live and to love. Love being the driving force, living being the symptom of loving, and loving being truth. Truth being the exposure of the heart…no matter what should lie there. So, this is my song, my living, my life, for all to see. Why? because it’s fun!


I have to confess something to my blog followers. I stopped blogging for awhile to gather myself a bit. I was in this in-between state of understanding. And while I previously have made entries in this in-between state, I backed off from doing it this time, as I had come under some scruteny from readers about my statements and decisions in life. Then, as if that wasn't chicken enough already, I created an entirely different blog, which I have now had 5 posts on, apart from your audience. Today, however, I realized that I have nothing to hide. And, I actually love a good debate, so please keep commenting. What I am going to do is this: I will transfer the posts from my other blog to this site, and begin again in this moment.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Garden of Plenty

I was in a garden with walls and high gates. I was happy there, for I knew nothing more. But the Lord came and dismantled the gates and tore down the walls. He said to me, “Roam where you want. Do whatever you please. Anything you want, is yours.”

At first I was overwhelmed. Where do I go? What do I do?

 I began to explore and I found great food and joyful parties. I found large kingdoms and all the riches of the world. 

I went deeper in and I found miracles, signs, and wonders. I saw worshippers of the Lord and people manifesting all His greatness. And I saw all that I could be, in all God’s glory. 

Then I turned around and I saw my God. And all else became like dust and ash to me. It was lifeless and dull, and had a draw no longer. So, I ran to my God, my love, and I stayed with him. I communed with him. I laughed with Him. And I loved him. And He was well pleased, for I had chosen Him, and Him alone, in all my freedom.



Sunday, July 26, 2009


Wanted to clarify: 
I love the Bible. It's just not my God. The Lord uses it all the time to affirm me in what He is telling me. It's almost like He's saying, "Look, I've said this before."  It also shows me all the wonderful stories and history of God. It shows me how important it is to remember what God has taught me and done for me. It is beautiful and great. I actually enjoy it more now that God is revealing it. Who better to explain it than Him? I love all things of the Lord, however, I am willing to let go of all things, should they hinder me from greater relationship with the Lord.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Why I Am Where I Am

This is another e-mail response that really gives an overview of my journey of how I got to be where I am now. It is much more elaborate than this in practice, but it takes the reader through some of the thought process. This was actually in response to a dear friend challenging me with Mormonism as an option for my life. Please note: All of these responses were in love, not rudeness or anger. I really appreciate the challenge from my friends.

None of us, not one, has a full and complete understanding of who God is. We may know pieces, and some of us know more pieces than others, but not one of us knows Him completely…yet. So, if the Lord were to keep himself from us until we understood him in his fullness, than none of us would have relationship with God. So, the Lord meets us where we are and begins to reveal pieces of Himself, his love. If and when we respond to that love, then He reveals more of himself to us.

You see, we love because He first loved us. He loves, we respond.

3 years ago, the Lord ventured to take me further into him. It was a whole new step.  My dad gave us a book called, “A New Kind of Christian.” I never read it, but DH did. DH began sharing with me the things it was saying. I don’t even remember what it said, but I remember it made me angry. I was livid! I thought, “How can they say things like that!? They are so wrong!”

Yet, the arguments were pretty strong. Strong enough to make me wonder.

Never before in my life had I questioned my religion. But I found myself doing just that. I was so upset that I would even consider it. The more I heard, however, the more I considered it. Not necessarily considering what the book was saying to be true, but really just taking a hard look at my faith.

I realized that my faith was one of my defining features. It was part of who I was. I was a Christian. I stood by Christianity and believed it my whole life. I believed in God, that was not in question. He had proven himself to me too many times for me not to. With all this going through my mind, confusion took over.

I can remember this exact moment. I was standing in the kitchen, doing dishes, and I felt like the world was spinning around me. I could see all my beliefs flying around my head. I didn’t know which ones to grab onto. I probably would have fainted soon, but something happened. I distinctly felt the Lord grab my face. He looked me right in the eye and said, “Hey! It’s about you and me, and that’s it.” Then it was as if someone hit the gravity switch, and all the things around me fell to the ground.

That was the beginning of my religious stripping. 


Then the Lord gave me a vision. As I prayed, the Lord came on me and said, "What everyone needs is me. I AM. I AM the want in everyone’s soul. I am the very thing you’re always looking for. When you want chocolate, you’re really wanting me. When you breath, you’re really needing me. When you are hungry, you’re really wanting me. Your body was designed for me, and everything you do is a result of searching for me. So the answer to what anyone needs is me, because I AM everything you need.” As He spoke, He filled me so completely with his presence, that I received the full sensation of what He was talking about. I was high off of it for weeks. Like Moses coming down from the mountain, except I wasn’t glowing.

After that, I went to church and the pastors words were like dust and ash compared to the words of the Lord. Why would I listen to them when I could hear it straight from the source? The Lord showed me He wanted me to stop going to church. As much as this felt contradictory to what I had always believed about God, I was thinking differently now, so I stopped going.

Over the next 3 years, the Lord took me on a journey of showing me more and more about Himself. Books, dreams, circumstances, anything. The spirit was a constant interpreter. He showed me more and more of His love. I began to see how blind I was. 

One day I was asking the Lord to tell me more about Himself and He said, “I AM. I am just me. I cannot describe myself with words, any more than someone could describe you. Someone could write a whole book about you, but unless they spent time with you, they would never really know you. They would just know about you. It is the same with me. You can read all about me, hear all about me, but until you spend time with me, you will never know me. Therefore, I AM. Therefore, take away all my labels, and I am taking away all of yours. Let’s just know each other.”

Another time, He expanded on this. He said, “I am taking you to a place where you will listen to me, and me alone. You will no longer compare what I tell you with any religion, idea, cause, or box. Take me out of all your boxes. Let it all go. You are no longer a Christian. When you label yourself in any religion, you place me in a box. When I act outside of that box, you reject that part of me, and refuse to walk in it. I am bigger than any box you can conceive.”

Since then, I haven’t been a “Christian.”

As far as “universalism,” since that would be the red flag going up in most religions at this point. I’m not clear on it. I don’t have to be, because my opinion won’t change it anyway. I honestly don’t even think about it much.

What I have seen, now that I’m not blinded with fear by other people’s beliefs, is that God is working in Christianity, Mormonism, Catholics, Atheists, Muslims, The Emerging Church, Universalists, etc... Wherever there is love, the Lord is there. The enemy is incapable of love. I can see different pieces of Him in those different places. They are the pieces their box has allowed in.

Where He decides to take people from there, or how He decides to judge them, is out of my understanding right now.

However, I do believe that if we continue to respond to God, He will continue to reveal more and more of himself to us, as this is His desire. He wants to love us and have us receive His love. As He reveals more of Himself to us, we will naturally come into alignment with him. It’s about the journey, not the destination. It’s about a relationship, not a belief system. I am no longer anxious about it. I will follow wherever He leads. Because ultimately, “It’s about me and Him, and that’s it.”