Clarity

Wanted to clarify: 

I love the Bible. It's just not my God. The Lord uses it all the time to affirm me in what He is telling me. It's almost like He's saying, "Look, I've said this before."  It also shows me all the wonderful stories and history of God. It shows me how important it is to remember what God has taught me and done for me. It is beautiful and great. I actually enjoy it more now that God is revealing it. Who better to explain it than Him? I love all things of the Lord, however, I am willing to let go of all things, should they hinder me from greater relationship with the Lord.

-Tara 

Why I Am Where I Am

This is another e-mail response that really gives an overview of my journey of how I got to be where I am now. It is much more elaborate than this in practice, but it takes the reader through some of the thought process. This was actually in response to a dear friend challenging me with Mormonism as an option for my life. Please note: All of these responses were in love, not rudeness or anger. I really appreciate the challenge from my friends.

None of us, not one, has a full and complete understanding of who God is. We may know pieces, and some of us know more pieces than others, but not one of us knows Him completely…yet. So, if the Lord were to keep himself from us until we understood him in his fullness, than none of us would have relationship with God. So, the Lord meets us where we are and begins to reveal pieces of Himself, his love. If and when we respond to that love, then He reveals more of himself to us.

You see, we love because He first loved us. He loves, we respond.

3 years ago, the Lord ventured to take me further into him. It was a whole new step.  My dad gave us a book called, “A New Kind of Christian.” I never read it, but DH did. DH began sharing with me the things it was saying. I don’t even remember what it said, but I remember it made me angry. I was livid! I thought, “How can they say things like that!? They are so wrong!”

Yet, the arguments were pretty strong. Strong enough to make me wonder.

Never before in my life had I questioned my religion. But I found myself doing just that. I was so upset that I would even consider it. The more I heard, however, the more I considered it. Not necessarily considering what the book was saying to be true, but really just taking a hard look at my faith.

I realized that my faith was one of my defining features. It was part of who I was. I was a Christian. I stood by Christianity and believed it my whole life. I believed in God, that was not in question. He had proven himself to me too many times for me not to. With all this going through my mind, confusion took over.

I can remember this exact moment. I was standing in the kitchen, doing dishes, and I felt like the world was spinning around me. I could see all my beliefs flying around my head. I didn’t know which ones to grab onto. I probably would have fainted soon, but something happened. I distinctly felt the Lord grab my face. He looked me right in the eye and said, “Hey! It’s about you and me, and that’s it.” Then it was as if someone hit the gravity switch, and all the things around me fell to the ground.

That was the beginning of my religious stripping. 

 

Then the Lord gave me a vision. As I prayed, the Lord came on me and said, "What everyone needs is me. I AM. I AM the want in everyone’s soul. I am the very thing you’re always looking for. When you want chocolate, you’re really wanting me. When you breath, you’re really needing me. When you are hungry, you’re really wanting me. Your body was designed for me, and everything you do is a result of searching for me. So the answer to what anyone needs is me, because I AM everything you need.” As He spoke, He filled me so completely with his presence, that I received the full sensation of what He was talking about. I was high off of it for weeks. Like Moses coming down from the mountain, except I wasn’t glowing.

After that, I went to church and the pastors words were like dust and ash compared to the words of the Lord. Why would I listen to them when I could hear it straight from the source? The Lord showed me He wanted me to stop going to church. As much as this felt contradictory to what I had always believed about God, I was thinking differently now, so I stopped going.

Over the next 3 years, the Lord took me on a journey of showing me more and more about Himself. Books, dreams, circumstances, anything. The spirit was a constant interpreter. He showed me more and more of His love. I began to see how blind I was. 

One day I was asking the Lord to tell me more about Himself and He said, “I AM. I am just me. I cannot describe myself with words, any more than someone could describe you. Someone could write a whole book about you, but unless they spent time with you, they would never really know you. They would just know about you. It is the same with me. You can read all about me, hear all about me, but until you spend time with me, you will never know me. Therefore, I AM. Therefore, take away all my labels, and I am taking away all of yours. Let’s just know each other.”

Another time, He expanded on this. He said, “I am taking you to a place where you will listen to me, and me alone. You will no longer compare what I tell you with any religion, idea, cause, or box. Take me out of all your boxes. Let it all go. You are no longer a Christian. When you label yourself in any religion, you place me in a box. When I act outside of that box, you reject that part of me, and refuse to walk in it. I am bigger than any box you can conceive.”

Since then, I haven’t been a “Christian.”

As far as “universalism,” since that would be the red flag going up in most religions at this point. I’m not clear on it. I don’t have to be, because my opinion won’t change it anyway. I honestly don’t even think about it much.

What I have seen, now that I’m not blinded with fear by other people’s beliefs, is that God is working in Christianity, Mormonism, Catholics, Atheists, Muslims, The Emerging Church, Universalists, etc... Wherever there is love, the Lord is there. The enemy is incapable of love. I can see different pieces of Him in those different places. They are the pieces their box has allowed in.

Where He decides to take people from there, or how He decides to judge them, is out of my understanding right now.

However, I do believe that if we continue to respond to God, He will continue to reveal more and more of himself to us, as this is His desire. He wants to love us and have us receive His love. As He reveals more of Himself to us, we will naturally come into alignment with him. It’s about the journey, not the destination. It’s about a relationship, not a belief system. I am no longer anxious about it. I will follow wherever He leads. Because ultimately, “It’s about me and Him, and that’s it.”

 

Heaven and Hell Explanation

Here is another e-mail response I wanted to share. I have a dear friend that wanted to know what my new opinion on heaven and hell was. This is what I wrote to her.

My ideas about heaven and hell have changed, but are not yet definitive. The main thing that has changed, is that I no longer believe it to be the point. The Christian church is all about "saving you from hell," but I disagree. I don't believe hell is what Jesus came to save us from. I believe Jesus came to set us free from the bondage sin put us in. When we were put into the bondage, we were separated from the Father. I believe when Jesus died, his sin covered everyone, not just those that have faith. 

However, I believe that no one can enter the "Kingdom" unless they have relationship with God, through Jesus. Hence, "No one can enter the Kingdom except through me." Yet, I do not believe the Kingdom is heaven. I believe, but am reserving the right to change my mind on this, that Heaven and Earth are places, and the "world" and the "kingdom" are mindsets (for lack of a better term.)

 I don't even think about hell. 

The Kingdom is an indescribable place where God resides and his authority reigns. The kingdom is the place where you can "ask anything in my name, and it will be given to you." This is why I believe it says, "Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." It is the authority and presence of God. I believe you can be on earth and in the Kingdom at the same time. I hypothesize that would mean you could be in heaven and in the world at the same time.

 I commonly experience the kingdom. I have also experienced being "born again." Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot enter the kingdom." Before I actually experienced it, I thought being born again meant "accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and savior." I now know that when I did that it was my "conception," not birth. Being born was a tedious road of stripping away the foundation of the enemy and squeezing me through a narrow canal out into the kingdom on the other side. (This almost killed me.) Then, having the Lord start me out as a baby, building my foundation on Him, and relationship with Him. I have no other way to describe it than that. I truly believe it has to be experienced, and that only God can do it. There is no set formula or speech to get one there. 

I believe the "world" is the enemies mindset. It is a facade to distract us and get us to worship him and his ways. I believe the central theme of the enemy's kingdom is money. Hence, "you cannot serve both God and money. In the "world" we make it a God, letting it define us and using it as our security. This does not mean I believe everyone that has money is evil. I just know it to be the tool the enemy uses most. In the rich and the poor. It makes people that are poor feel "less than," and people who have money feel "better than." Forcing us to define ourselves by our financial (or success) status, rather than who the Lord says that we are. It consumes our minds and constant thoughts and has corrupted men for all time. However, "the World" is manifested in multiple ways.  

The subject of Hell hasn't really come up between the Lord and I, so I figure it must not be the point, or He probably would have made it urgent. Again, I reserve the right to change my opinion. Hope that explains what I think somewhat. It's really hard to describe, and I never have before. 

Talk to you soon,

Tara

Some Explanation

After some of my last posts, I received a mixed response. It made me realize I should elaborate on some things. Here is one of the responses I got (I've left out names for their privacy), along with my response to them:

Hi Tara,
 Your last blog had some crazy stuff in it and really sounds like you might be conflicted in several areas in your life. I hope you are using the Bible as your ultimate guide and remember that the Lord doesn't want us to be totally emotionally driven and be thrown about like waves in the sea James 1:5 states "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives to all generously and without reproach and it will be given to them. v6. But he must ask in faith without any doubting for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." I guess I got from your blog that you aren't sure of your authority and that everyone and their doctrine points to God. God was clear with that though when he said I AM the one and only true God, I AM THE WAY, TRUTH and LIFE. NOT ALL RELIGIONS TEACH THAT!  There was just a lot going on in that blog and I just want you to know that I am bothered by the fact that you are struggling with your foundation. You have Christ and the Bible and all the answers are there!
I am going through a study on James for the second time and It's a very applicable book of the Bible and very straight forward about how Christians need to be living their lives. The Bible is so clear on most everything we deal with, sure some stuff might be grey but not much. I just pray that you are clearly reading and looking to the Bible for your direction in this time of discovery in your life. I also pray for protection for you and your family that Satan doesn't move in in areas that you are unsure or are struggling with.
 
My Response:

Know that this letter comes to you in love, and that it is with a tender voice, not a judgmental or offended one. That is one downside to e-mail, we assume the tone.

About my blogs: they are a very small snippet of what's going on in my heart and I apologize for not elaborating. You are right however, that I no longer have my foundation in Christianity, but now have it solely in Christ. I no longer possess a doctrine, because I desire to follow God, not a religion. I know how that looks, but I don't care. I have never been more intimate with God. I am willing to follow him anywhere, regardless of what beliefs I have to let go of. My desire is relationship with him and my compass is love, not the Bible. Even the verse you quoted in James says to ask the Lord, and so I am. The Lord reveals the Bible to me, not the other way around. If I am honest in saying that I am fallible, instead of being prideful and unwilling to change, put it to my credit, for the Lord is a gracious God. I have made mistakes and wavered, but I have sought the Lord with all my heart.

Also, know that I am not saying all religions are right, but that all religions are wrong, including Christianity, and Atheism, and whatever else there is out there. Religion is man designed, not God designed. It is man run, not God run. I believe that none of us has a full understanding of who God is, but that God meets us where we are and calls us to Him. He calls, we respond. As long as we respond to Him, he can continue to reveal Himself to us. When we stop responding, or get blocked by a certain belief system we're not willing to let go of, then we cease to know any more about God...yet he loves us still. So, if none of us has a full understanding, how can we say that God is not meeting people with a different understanding than ourselves? It is ridiculous to think that. You do realize that other religions think the exact same thing about Christians. I sat and listened to my Mormon friend give me the EXACT arguments against Christianity that Christians use against them. The exact ones, wording and everything! The Lord is calling us into intimacy, not religion. I believe the Lord meets us where we are, and if we follow Him, we will eventually let go of our religion and seek only him. I also believe the Bible teaches this, yet we have a funny way of interpreting it to say what we all want it to say, don't we? So, I don't consider it a reliable source, in and of itself. I do, however, consider the Holy Spirit extremely reliable, as She seems to be able to make anything and everything about Jesus. She really loves Him. It's amazing really. And She has shown me so many wonderful things in the Bible. None of it interpreted the way I thought it was supposed to. Actually, when interpreted by her, there's a lot less need for "blind faith," or "Grey areas" as things actually start to make sense... well, in a Kingdom way. Anyhow, I'm so glad you challenged me, because it really shows me how much you care about me. I would honestly be somewhat offended if Christians weren't fighting for my soul.

So, fear not, the Lord is with me.

Tara      

Religion

When I look at people in other religions, I am not angry, but gracious. I am gracious because I can let go of the theology, and see their heart towards the Lord. I am not threatened by their religion because I am not afraid it will corrupt me, or even them. I believe the Lord is bigger than our religion. I believe each religion has pieces of God in it. I believe that if a person is seeking God, he will find God. I believe that if they keep their mind and heart open to Him, God will show them the way into His heart.

When I look at Christianity, I am threatened by it. It battles with me. It is too close to home. It still pulls me in and tricks me. It threatens me, so I rebel against it. I am timid in it’s presence and intimidated by those that run it. When a powerful church leader that has taught me so much about God, doesn’t agree with what the Lord is telling me, I doubt my ability to hear the Lord. I doubt what I have heard. I think maybe the Lord only meant it for me, or for a single season in my life. I just assume I am wrong, instead of listening to the voice of God. I don’t just hand them over to the Lord, like I do people in other religions, I try to convert them to my thinking, as this will appease my mind and illiminate the turmoil. Yet, that just makes me another religion. That’s what religion does, it tries to convert others to its singular way of thinking and is threatened by anything else. It is threatened by any other manifestation of God that it cannot comprehend. Lord, strip me of my religious spirit and make me a confident follower of you, and you alone.

It is time to grow up in the Lord. I am no longer a baby with a baby bottle. I am an adult and need to get out from under the wing of my parents (church authorities and leaders). I need to be subject to God and God alone. I hear His voice for myself and He is the ultimate authority over all. If someone disagrees with him, they are wrong. Period. End of discussion. 

-Tara

  

Interesting to think...

In writing about government freedom, I began to wonder if it paralleled spiritual freedom. So, I took a piece I had written and changed the context to spirituality and this is what I got. I think there's something to it. 

Here's what I wrote about government:

For a nation to be free, they have to hold themselves personally responsible and accountable, not relying on a government to make things good or right in their lives. This is harder to do than it sounds. They cannot allow government to justify their immorality because it is legal. They cannot allow traditions and routines to be their moral compass. They must do what is right, no matter the cost or hardship, in order to maintain their freedom.

Here's what it sounds like when the perspective is changed to spirituality:

For a believer to be free, they have to hold themselves personally responsible and accountable for relationship with the Father, not relying on the church to make things good or right in their lives. This is harder to do than it sounds. They cannot allow the church to justify their apathy because it is common. They can't allow traditions and routines to be their moral compass. They must seek relationship with the Father, no matter the cost or hardship, in order to maintain their freedom in the Lord. 

This is not about Heaven or Hell. This isn't about getting the Lord to love you, he already does. This is about opening your heart to a love that is so great and powerful, that it is worth every drop of sweat, every tear, and every mocking comment. It's about a love that will set you free from the curse of Eden. Free from the opinions of man. It is ours to have, but it will not be easy. Just like anyone in America can have prosperity, if they are willing to do what it takes, so an intimate relationship with the Lord can be any persons, if they are willing to do what it takes. The Lord asks us to let go of things we hold onto, to have faith and trust him, so he can offer us freedom. We are not required to do this, just as we are not required to do this in government, but our life will be better for it if we do.

    

The Day of Atonement

I find it extremely coincidental that on the Day of Atonement (today), I would feel the true cost sin has had upon the human race. My heart feels as though it would burst with grief from the constant separation from the Lord. I long for his return. I am tired of this Earth and all it's sin. I am tired of the constant struggle to find joy; the everlasting pain to stay connected with the Lord. I wonder if there will be ebbs and flows in heaven or if we will always be in perfect communion with our love. Whatever the case, there must be more than this. There must be a place safe from the enemy, where all we know is love. A place where there is no fear, no failure, just grace. A place where joy is everlasting and peace is normal. A place of truth. 

There is no such place here on Earth. There is no such place in this life. The Enemy will always contend. He will always hunt. He will live on in an ever present flowing force until the day the Lord destroys him forever. Is this why Jesus came? Is this what he is saving us from? Will he mend the brokenness while we are still here on Earth? Will he touch our hearts in an everlasting way? Or will he lead us on in a torturous relationship of coming and going? He comes and steals our heart and then leaves and allows the enemy to attack. What kind of lover is that? What kind of lover is that? 

Oh the day that my heart is free. That will be a day worth living for. Today is no such day.

New Blog

I am switching my blog over to blogspot from homeschool blogger. I am doing this because I have decided to stop homeschooling at this point in the life of my family. I am not going to pretend that I know what our future holds, not even our near future, as God has shown me that His plans are greater than mine. Overall, I am glad of it, as life would be completely boring if I knew everything that were going to happen and all that I needed to know. I have named this blog "Freedom", because that is the theme of my life right now. To my current knowledge, freedom is the opposite of fear. And I am tired of fear. It separates us from one another. It causes us to hide away and only want to be around those that are like ourselves. I don't want to live like that anymore. It leads to death. If it's all about relationship, and I believe it is, freedom is living in relationship with the Lord and being so convinced of His love for you that you are set free from religion; set free from the box we try to put God into. It is also living in relationship with the people in the world around us. Real relationship, where we love one another, not trying to constantly outdo each other or impress each other. It's valuing the relationship above our rights. 

This is what I'm coming to understand. Whether or not I'll feel the same way in a year, or even a few months, I have no clue.