Janet is Hungry

I found a great blog called Janet is Hungry. Check it out. I will be visiting her when I need to make my meal plan! You can click on the link on my blog to get to her site. It is in the Blogs I frequent section on the sidebar.

Book Recommendation

"The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear," by Don and Audrey Woods is a classic book that every child should have the chance to enjoy. My mother read it to my sisters and I when we were little and I now have gone through two copies reading it to my children. I so enjoy it. I also enjoy "Quick as a Cricket" by the same authors. 

Inland Empire Writers Club

Today I went to my first Inland Empire Writer's Club meeting. It was great and I am planning to join. It was encouraging and planted a bit of hope back into me. I have been so intimidated lately by the writing world and talking to the other writers, most of whom have been published numerous times, made me feel like I could do this thing. They started the meeting with a writing exercise, but I was late and wasn't able to participate. So, I did it on my own. The assignment? 5 Minutes to describe your mind. Here's what I came up with on my drive home. It's beginning to sound redundant, but this is just where I am at.

My Mind

My mind is a desert loop that crosses a hill.

Well worn by my thoughts and the things that I feel.

It’s covered in signs

The hill

By me

All posting, “Dear Lord, please set me free!”

Chapter 5: The Cold Hard Truth

Chapter 5: Cold Hard Truth

I feel like I am on this time out. Like God said, “Ok Turbo, let’s just sit you over here for awhile, away from all reality and other people, and let you calm down.” This was, of course, after I sat down on the top of this hill I keep climbing and said, “I WILL NOT MOVE UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES! I REFUSE TO TAKE ANOTHER LAP!” (I wonder how I would have faired as an Israelite in the desert?)

This time out has been really good for me. I feel like it has given me permission to sit down and think about my life. To think about who I am, where I am going, and why we are all here. I never thought of it as a luxury before, but it really, truly is. It’s hard in life to take the time out of all our busyness and just contemplate things. I am gaining this incredible perspective of life and how meaningless it all is. There is some freedom in that, but there is something missing. With no meaning, there is no hope.

On that note, I received an e-mail from father saying he thinks I need medication. “It may be hereditary depression, due to a hormonal imbalance,” he says.

At first I laugh at this. I think, “He would assume that.” (He is a therapist.)

My defenses go up saying, “God told me all emotions are good. Maybe that advice was for this. It was advice for a piece of armor against this attack. Why does the world always want happiness in our lives and nothing else?”

Then my mind brings me to when I was going to this great alterative medicine doctor In Colorado who practiced applied kinesiology. When I was seeing him and regulating my hormones, when I was getting healthy, I had a stable mood. I remember feeling like I could accomplish anything, even long-term ideas. Maybe this is hormonal.

After a few days of considering this, I am in front of God and I just spill my beans. I tell Him exactly how I feel, because…well, I am basically naked in space and completely exposed anyhow, right?

 I tell Him, “Thank you for showing me that I have a problem. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I am glad that there may be hope for emotional stability in the future, but I also feel like the knowledge of that takes away from what I’ve been going through. There’s something exciting about being manic/depressant. Everything is dramatic. I don’t want this whole journey I’ve been on with you to be for not. I don’t want to live a Pottery Barn life that never makes a difference. I don’t want to be an extra in your story. I want to be the heroine. I want to be the bride! I want every inch of my life to be worth something. I don’t want to just take up space.

Yet, my heart is tired. It feels like it’s on its last string. I’m ready to settle a bit. I know that in my current hormonal state, I will never be able to be intentional about anything. Knowing that if I get better I’ll be able to accomplish some things encourages me to change. I just still want to be me. I don’t know why I feel like I can’t be me if I’m healthy. That’s kind of sad, now that I think about it.

I am hopeful. I think I could actually be more of me if I were stronger. I know you created me with an incredible strength. I crave that strength: the strength of Deborah, enough to lead Israel.

The last few years I have been so weak, but you have used it to mold my heart. I have been so humbled. I no longer judge or exclude people like I used to, because I now know all of us have breaking points; all of us are fallible; all of us have weaknesses. We are all on a journey and none of us have arrived. ‘We do the things we do not want to do, and the things we want to do we do not do.’ That Paul guy knew what he was talking about. Lord, lift me up from where I am. Be faithful to complete a good work in me. My soul depends on it.”

 

Quick note

I appreciate everyone's concern and love for me. I have been getting comments about my story with people being extremely worried about me. My story was written awhile ago. I am just only releasing a chapter at a time. The Lord has done a lot in my life since these were written. Keep reading.

Tara

Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Changing the way I view Myself

I am beginning to realize that I will just have to put aside what I think is so important during my day and give God what He is asking for. I cannot wait for this dream vacation with Him to happen. So I am going to Him right here in my life. I have go to Him because my heart no longer possesses a will. It has no hope, no purpose. When there is no hope and no purpose, death begins to seem like a welcome retreat. I often think to myself, I wish I could just die already and get this meaningless life over with. I’m not thinking this way because my life is hard or I am angry about my circumstances. It’s just that a life without meaning is no life at all. Many people would argue that I have kids and a husband; there is plenty of meaning in that! Well, when you are thinking that none of it matters anyway because their lives are meaningless too, that’s where the problem comes in. At this point, a family death would not scare me.  It’s freeing really.

I think, “That just gets us into heaven all that much sooner to spend eternity with our groom in peace and paradise.”

I am not at all suicidal; I just don’t care if I live. I feel like I would not miss a thing. There would be no regrets.

The Lord is strong and can handle everything I throw at him. He can handle me being depressed. He knew I was going to be. He knows I will be again. This is something I love about him. He is never shocked or insecure.  He just speaks to my heart where I am and tells me what I need to hear in order to change and grow more towards my purpose.

I decide to talk to my husband about all of this. I don’t want to. I hate sounding crazy. I know what I sound like. I tell him God is taking away my schedule and the structure in my life. I tell him I don’t care if I die. I tell him I feel like there is no point to life.

He starts to draw out of me the things I never want to talk about and it ‘s good to hear feedback. The Lord is really talking to him and speaking to me through him. I tend to forget that we need each other: the family of God. I tend to think it can all be accomplished with God alone if only our relationship were perfect. Yet, even Adam needed Eve and he walked with God. He hadn’t even sinned and created a separation yet.

Through the conversation with my husband and the conversations I had with God I am starting to see some things. One thing God told me was that all emotions are good. Happy is not the only good emotion. Emotions make a person alive. When you are sad, be sad. When you are happy, be happy. When you are angry, be angry. When you’re excited, be excited. And, let others experience emotions without being threatened by them. If another person is upset, it is not necessarily the best thing to try to cheer them up. Emotions have to run their coarse sooner or later. Whether right at the moment of infliction or years down the road when you explode or a therapist digs it out of you. They are living. They do not go away by ignoring them.

This is huge for me, as I feel horrible when I am sad. I feel ashamed, like I am doing something wrong.  This offers me a bit of freedom. Freedom is my only goal and hope in my life right now.

Another thing the Lord is showing me is how He wants to direct my life. He tells me I am a free spirit. Wow! I want to be that! He’s helping me see that I like the idea of structure and plans, but hate the monotony of them. I can never actually live in them. He reminds me of a time when I had actually willed myself to live in a routine and schedule. I was doing well. My house was clean, my kids were in check, my meals in order. Then something happened. I got bored. For two or three days I did nothing. I just let it pile up. When there was some challenge presented, it became interesting again and I cleaned and created a new plan. I like to plan. I hate to live in it. I need variety.

The Lord wants me to live day by day with Him leading my life. This freaks me out because I can’t plan. The plans make me feel secure, even though I never really follow through with them. He wants me to give up planning and feeling like a failure when I don’t follow through with them. He wants me to wake up and smell the roses. Live each day for that day never knowing what it may bring. He gently reminds me that even though I don’t have a plan, he does. So far, he has never lied to me and only been ever faithful. Can I bring myself to trust Him?

Living like this takes incredible faith! It sounded great until the today when I woke up and had no plan. However, he reminds me of a prophecy he has given me. He says I will be like Deborah. I will be a prophet and a leader. He brings to my attention that a prophet has to listen to God and do what he says. The only way I can do that is to give up my own plans and embrace his. This gives me a goal, a purpose. I don’t know how, but the Lord is going to use me. This I can live with.

 

Chapter Three: The Breakdown

Chapter Three: The Breakdown

I have a major flaw. Every three months or so, I have a complete emotional breakdown; my poor husband. I am worried he will commit me soon. You see, there is a cycle. I start off doing great. I have restructured my life and I am heading out with a plan. My kids respond well to it and we are on a roll. The house is clean, manners are good, school is exciting, and mommy is happy. Then, a couple of weeks in, usually not more than two or three, something happens. I’m not sure what it is or if it is the same thing each time, but it all falls apart in my head. I just lose all interest in whatever it is we are doing. I start to feel like I am doing it all wrong and that something needs to change.  I feel like there has to be more to life than this and I start asking God what is wrong. After a while, I become completely overwhelmed with something, it’s different every time, and I have an emotional breakdown.

I usually rebound after a pep talk from my husband, but right now, a pep talk is not going to help. You see, I recognize the pattern. I don’t want to visit this place again. I am not moving from this spot in my life until something drastic has changed. I am not moving until I figure it out! I am going to sit on top of this hill that I keep climbing and change, before I take another step. I refuse to stake in another flag that says, “I’ve been here. I’m here again!”

So, what do I do? I start from point A. Purpose. I know my purpose in this life is to have relationship with God. I know that I must do this on Earth because love is not true deep love, unless we choose it through trials and hardships. It’s not true love unless it comes with a price. So, I need to get away with God. I know this and I write my husband (poor husband) a letter.

“Dear Husband,

            I need to leave and get away by myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live in this prison I have created for myself in my heart. I want to be free. I want to be adjusted and happy. I can’t push it to the back of my mind anymore. It kills me to see the effects of this on you and the kids. I need to get away with the Lord and have a break through. I need something to change. I can’t pretend that I don’t anymore. I need to get away from distractions and get with the Lord until something changes. It’s summer for the kids so a schedule isn’t needed. I’ll talk to my mom about watching them during the day until you get home from work. I don’t know how long this is going to take, but it is so crucial to the rest of our lives that I get this resolved and get on a path to freedom. I realize this is a lifelong journey, but I need a boot camp of sorts to get me started. I know this will be hard, but I feel this is necessary. I can see a path of destruction before me if I don’t change. I love you. You are the most amazing husband I could ever hope for.”

I picture myself living alone in a borrowed beach house learning about myself, learning about God. I picture a sense of independence and strength growing in my heart. A sense of purpose. I long for it and feel it is necessary. Then my husband reads the letter.

Dear husband is troubled by this letter, understandably. He says it sounds like one of those letters you get just before your wife leaves you, never to return. I try to assure him that I adore him and the kids and would never leave them. He understands and says it will be hard having me gone, but he gets it. I start to feel selfish. I also start to feel like it is a fantasy that will never happen. Where will I stay? Will my mom really see that I need her to watch the kids or will she be completely upset and burdened? My hope begins to fade.  

part of mE wanTs to live a life of chaos and traVel. a life where Nothing is predIctable bUt everything is aliVe with coloR.  

Another part of me wants to live a stable life of matching furniture and farm house hospitality. Gardens that thrive and are pruned daily, accompany my guests on my veranda.

Which one will win? Who will I become? Who am I really? ONly time will tell.

Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

             My view of life and how one should act and live has been formed in a very scientific way. I looked around me, saw what people were doing and how they were living, picked out the traits I thought were the most noble and enriching, and set that as my standard. Ok, truthfully I read about people in books and idealized them. I don’t know of many real people that I have gathered much from. So, these were not real people, or at least not the full spectrum of real people.  And, since most of the books I read were classics (being told to do so by the “experts”) and books about homeschooling, I begin to form a very old fashioned and unobtainable view of what was right.

 If I were the perfect mother, I would live on a farm, always be graceful, organized, beautiful, in great shape, cook everything from scratch, and be a very supportive and submissive wife.  I would never yell, always have a plan, get up at sunrise and be consistent, consistent, consistent. I would be happy…that happy thing still haunts me; it is the one thing I cannot fake.

These are all great things, but my view leaves me with no room for reality. No emotion but happiness and warmth. No bad days. No sick days. No summer break. No PMS.  No kids that just don’t want to clean up their room. No clutter. No…life. Real life is messy and I have a hard time dealing with real life, because it doesn’t live up to my standard. It overwhelms me, because I can’t maintain my fantasy and live in real life at the same time. What do I do? What do I do?

The obvious answer to the question above is, “Let go of the fantasy.” Well, easier said than done. You see, all the elements in my standard are good and right, so which ones do I let go of? I’ve tried to let go of my schedule and then my house falls apart and my kids get cranky because they need structure. I’ve tried to let go of the farm thing, but I just hate track homes. I’ve tried to not care about what we eat, but then I gain ten pounds and end up really sick. You get the picture. So, where do I go from here? The answer: total breakdown.

Chapter One: School

I am writing a raw story. One of those crazy things where you expose yourself to everyone in the planet. Well, here it is: This is chapter one, un-edited. This was a little while back that I started this.

Chapter One: School

I’m standing here in my three-year-old son’s closet and wondering, “Who am I? Who am I?” The question we all must face sooner or later I guess. I hate that it is so cliché.  I wish I were the only one dealing with it, so that people wouldn’t look at me and just know I’ll get through it. It’s a big deal. I feel like it is a make or break thing. If I choose wisely, I could be one of those people that lives differently and experiences life to it’s fullest. If I choose poorly or just gloss over all this, I could end up as the typical housewife who has a midlife crises when her children leave the nest and she is faced with only herself to look at in the mirror every day, while her husband sleeps with the adventurous secretary who hasn’t sold herself out to her kids and husband and forgotten who she was all those years.  I know there are other alternatives, but those are all I can see right now.

            It was all those “How to Parent” books I read. Even worse, the “How to Homeschool” books. Yes, I home school my three children. As if being a normal mom wasn’t enough of a challenge, I had to go and home school. Why? Simple. I am eccentric. Somewhere along the line, home schooling seemed like it would be fun!  I had visions of my kids and I studying rocks by going out on a hike and touching and feeling them. Learning about the water cycle while laying on the grass of an open meadow or park watching clouds float by.  Learning all the different flower parts and species while we grew an amazing garden. Reenacting historical events in costume.  Being gathered around the fireplace reading aloud from a great book that we just couldn’t put down. That was home schooling in my mind. It was family and knowledge and fun wrapped up in a perfect package.  

Well, enter homes schooling experts. (Those people that are trying to sell you their way to do things.) Everyone has a theory. Everyone’s theory is the right way. If you don’t do it the right way, you will basically ruin your children’s ability to learn and function as an extraordinary person in life. You will kill their love of learning or leaves gaps in their education. You will ruin their relationship with God… catch my drift.

            Some unimpressionable people would blow these “experts” off and follow their heart. That is not me. I am very impressionable. (Something that I have grown to despise about myself.) I eat up what these experts say and try to fulfill it. I try to change myself to fit their mold. I consistently try to be that perfect homeschooling mother and do what is best for my kids. The only problem is, I hate it! It’s not fun. It stresses me out and makes me cranky. I constantly try to forget myself and mold my life around these three little angles that all have different learning styles and personalities, leading inevitably to a break down every few months when my motor can’t push against the wake any longer!  Aghh!!!

            I realize that I have been poorly programmed and I want to deprogram what I have been told. I want to regain my naivety and bliss. I try to do this. I reschedule my day. I come up with a new plan. I put my kids on the waiting list at a charter school because I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I get depressed and my house starts to look like a TLC show needs to stop by and do a “Clean Sweep.”

 Yet, through it all, the little voices of the experts bleed through. The numerous studies that have been done proving their point, etch at my mind. The sad thing is, I wonder if it is more about me being a failure, than me wanting the best thing for my kids. I haven’t decided which one of those points drives me the most yet. Right now, deep down, I hate life. I wonder why God had to put us here in the first place. Why couldn’t he just place us in heaven where we could be in perfect relationship with Him always? I know the answer, but I am depressed and ignore it.

 

Superior Saturday

The sixth book in The Keys to the Kingdom series, Superior Saturday, was released today. Of course we rushed to the book store to get it! We read the prolog and two chapters aloud tonight as a family, then we had to put it down because it was bed time. Actually, my husband is reading on as we speak. As soon as we finish it I will give it a proper review. If you have never heard of this series, you must get it. It is a great book for the whole family. This is a great series to give to boys, although girls enjoy it just as much. The author is Garth Nix. If you can find the audio books, the actor that reads them is great! I know the library has had them in both counties and states I have lived in. For now, happy reading.