Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Changing the way I view Myself

I am beginning to realize that I will just have to put aside what I think is so important during my day and give God what He is asking for. I cannot wait for this dream vacation with Him to happen. So I am going to Him right here in my life. I have go to Him because my heart no longer possesses a will. It has no hope, no purpose. When there is no hope and no purpose, death begins to seem like a welcome retreat. I often think to myself, I wish I could just die already and get this meaningless life over with. I’m not thinking this way because my life is hard or I am angry about my circumstances. It’s just that a life without meaning is no life at all. Many people would argue that I have kids and a husband; there is plenty of meaning in that! Well, when you are thinking that none of it matters anyway because their lives are meaningless too, that’s where the problem comes in. At this point, a family death would not scare me.  It’s freeing really.

I think, “That just gets us into heaven all that much sooner to spend eternity with our groom in peace and paradise.”

I am not at all suicidal; I just don’t care if I live. I feel like I would not miss a thing. There would be no regrets.

The Lord is strong and can handle everything I throw at him. He can handle me being depressed. He knew I was going to be. He knows I will be again. This is something I love about him. He is never shocked or insecure.  He just speaks to my heart where I am and tells me what I need to hear in order to change and grow more towards my purpose.

I decide to talk to my husband about all of this. I don’t want to. I hate sounding crazy. I know what I sound like. I tell him God is taking away my schedule and the structure in my life. I tell him I don’t care if I die. I tell him I feel like there is no point to life.

He starts to draw out of me the things I never want to talk about and it ‘s good to hear feedback. The Lord is really talking to him and speaking to me through him. I tend to forget that we need each other: the family of God. I tend to think it can all be accomplished with God alone if only our relationship were perfect. Yet, even Adam needed Eve and he walked with God. He hadn’t even sinned and created a separation yet.

Through the conversation with my husband and the conversations I had with God I am starting to see some things. One thing God told me was that all emotions are good. Happy is not the only good emotion. Emotions make a person alive. When you are sad, be sad. When you are happy, be happy. When you are angry, be angry. When you’re excited, be excited. And, let others experience emotions without being threatened by them. If another person is upset, it is not necessarily the best thing to try to cheer them up. Emotions have to run their coarse sooner or later. Whether right at the moment of infliction or years down the road when you explode or a therapist digs it out of you. They are living. They do not go away by ignoring them.

This is huge for me, as I feel horrible when I am sad. I feel ashamed, like I am doing something wrong.  This offers me a bit of freedom. Freedom is my only goal and hope in my life right now.

Another thing the Lord is showing me is how He wants to direct my life. He tells me I am a free spirit. Wow! I want to be that! He’s helping me see that I like the idea of structure and plans, but hate the monotony of them. I can never actually live in them. He reminds me of a time when I had actually willed myself to live in a routine and schedule. I was doing well. My house was clean, my kids were in check, my meals in order. Then something happened. I got bored. For two or three days I did nothing. I just let it pile up. When there was some challenge presented, it became interesting again and I cleaned and created a new plan. I like to plan. I hate to live in it. I need variety.

The Lord wants me to live day by day with Him leading my life. This freaks me out because I can’t plan. The plans make me feel secure, even though I never really follow through with them. He wants me to give up planning and feeling like a failure when I don’t follow through with them. He wants me to wake up and smell the roses. Live each day for that day never knowing what it may bring. He gently reminds me that even though I don’t have a plan, he does. So far, he has never lied to me and only been ever faithful. Can I bring myself to trust Him?

Living like this takes incredible faith! It sounded great until the today when I woke up and had no plan. However, he reminds me of a prophecy he has given me. He says I will be like Deborah. I will be a prophet and a leader. He brings to my attention that a prophet has to listen to God and do what he says. The only way I can do that is to give up my own plans and embrace his. This gives me a goal, a purpose. I don’t know how, but the Lord is going to use me. This I can live with.