Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

             My view of life and how one should act and live has been formed in a very scientific way. I looked around me, saw what people were doing and how they were living, picked out the traits I thought were the most noble and enriching, and set that as my standard. Ok, truthfully I read about people in books and idealized them. I don’t know of many real people that I have gathered much from. So, these were not real people, or at least not the full spectrum of real people.  And, since most of the books I read were classics (being told to do so by the “experts”) and books about homeschooling, I begin to form a very old fashioned and unobtainable view of what was right.

 If I were the perfect mother, I would live on a farm, always be graceful, organized, beautiful, in great shape, cook everything from scratch, and be a very supportive and submissive wife.  I would never yell, always have a plan, get up at sunrise and be consistent, consistent, consistent. I would be happy…that happy thing still haunts me; it is the one thing I cannot fake.

These are all great things, but my view leaves me with no room for reality. No emotion but happiness and warmth. No bad days. No sick days. No summer break. No PMS.  No kids that just don’t want to clean up their room. No clutter. No…life. Real life is messy and I have a hard time dealing with real life, because it doesn’t live up to my standard. It overwhelms me, because I can’t maintain my fantasy and live in real life at the same time. What do I do? What do I do?

The obvious answer to the question above is, “Let go of the fantasy.” Well, easier said than done. You see, all the elements in my standard are good and right, so which ones do I let go of? I’ve tried to let go of my schedule and then my house falls apart and my kids get cranky because they need structure. I’ve tried to let go of the farm thing, but I just hate track homes. I’ve tried to not care about what we eat, but then I gain ten pounds and end up really sick. You get the picture. So, where do I go from here? The answer: total breakdown.