Chapter Three: The Breakdown

Chapter Three: The Breakdown

I have a major flaw. Every three months or so, I have a complete emotional breakdown; my poor husband. I am worried he will commit me soon. You see, there is a cycle. I start off doing great. I have restructured my life and I am heading out with a plan. My kids respond well to it and we are on a roll. The house is clean, manners are good, school is exciting, and mommy is happy. Then, a couple of weeks in, usually not more than two or three, something happens. I’m not sure what it is or if it is the same thing each time, but it all falls apart in my head. I just lose all interest in whatever it is we are doing. I start to feel like I am doing it all wrong and that something needs to change.  I feel like there has to be more to life than this and I start asking God what is wrong. After a while, I become completely overwhelmed with something, it’s different every time, and I have an emotional breakdown.

I usually rebound after a pep talk from my husband, but right now, a pep talk is not going to help. You see, I recognize the pattern. I don’t want to visit this place again. I am not moving from this spot in my life until something drastic has changed. I am not moving until I figure it out! I am going to sit on top of this hill that I keep climbing and change, before I take another step. I refuse to stake in another flag that says, “I’ve been here. I’m here again!”

So, what do I do? I start from point A. Purpose. I know my purpose in this life is to have relationship with God. I know that I must do this on Earth because love is not true deep love, unless we choose it through trials and hardships. It’s not true love unless it comes with a price. So, I need to get away with God. I know this and I write my husband (poor husband) a letter.

“Dear Husband,

            I need to leave and get away by myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live in this prison I have created for myself in my heart. I want to be free. I want to be adjusted and happy. I can’t push it to the back of my mind anymore. It kills me to see the effects of this on you and the kids. I need to get away with the Lord and have a break through. I need something to change. I can’t pretend that I don’t anymore. I need to get away from distractions and get with the Lord until something changes. It’s summer for the kids so a schedule isn’t needed. I’ll talk to my mom about watching them during the day until you get home from work. I don’t know how long this is going to take, but it is so crucial to the rest of our lives that I get this resolved and get on a path to freedom. I realize this is a lifelong journey, but I need a boot camp of sorts to get me started. I know this will be hard, but I feel this is necessary. I can see a path of destruction before me if I don’t change. I love you. You are the most amazing husband I could ever hope for.”

I picture myself living alone in a borrowed beach house learning about myself, learning about God. I picture a sense of independence and strength growing in my heart. A sense of purpose. I long for it and feel it is necessary. Then my husband reads the letter.

Dear husband is troubled by this letter, understandably. He says it sounds like one of those letters you get just before your wife leaves you, never to return. I try to assure him that I adore him and the kids and would never leave them. He understands and says it will be hard having me gone, but he gets it. I start to feel selfish. I also start to feel like it is a fantasy that will never happen. Where will I stay? Will my mom really see that I need her to watch the kids or will she be completely upset and burdened? My hope begins to fade.