Interesting to think...

In writing about government freedom, I began to wonder if it paralleled spiritual freedom. So, I took a piece I had written and changed the context to spirituality and this is what I got. I think there's something to it. 

Here's what I wrote about government:

For a nation to be free, they have to hold themselves personally responsible and accountable, not relying on a government to make things good or right in their lives. This is harder to do than it sounds. They cannot allow government to justify their immorality because it is legal. They cannot allow traditions and routines to be their moral compass. They must do what is right, no matter the cost or hardship, in order to maintain their freedom.

Here's what it sounds like when the perspective is changed to spirituality:

For a believer to be free, they have to hold themselves personally responsible and accountable for relationship with the Father, not relying on the church to make things good or right in their lives. This is harder to do than it sounds. They cannot allow the church to justify their apathy because it is common. They can't allow traditions and routines to be their moral compass. They must seek relationship with the Father, no matter the cost or hardship, in order to maintain their freedom in the Lord. 

This is not about Heaven or Hell. This isn't about getting the Lord to love you, he already does. This is about opening your heart to a love that is so great and powerful, that it is worth every drop of sweat, every tear, and every mocking comment. It's about a love that will set you free from the curse of Eden. Free from the opinions of man. It is ours to have, but it will not be easy. Just like anyone in America can have prosperity, if they are willing to do what it takes, so an intimate relationship with the Lord can be any persons, if they are willing to do what it takes. The Lord asks us to let go of things we hold onto, to have faith and trust him, so he can offer us freedom. We are not required to do this, just as we are not required to do this in government, but our life will be better for it if we do.

    

Democracy

Democracy is one of those things that is hard to maintain. You can declare freedom, write a constitution, fight wars for it, and sing songs about it, but you cannot control it. You cannot make people want to be free. You cannot make a nation act a certain way, because if you do, it becomes something other than democracy. Democracy requires a people that will take responsibility for themselves and their actions. It requires a certain amount of self- control.

I was reading “Little Town on the Prairie” to my kids, and came across a paragraph describing this. It reads:

She [Laura] thought: Americans won’t obey any king on earth. Americans are free. That means they have to obey their own consciences. No king bosses Pa; he has to boss himself. Why, she thought, when I am a little older, Pa and Ma will stop telling me what to do, and there isn’t anyone else who has a right to give me orders. I will have to make myself be good. …This is what it means to be free….The laws of Nature and of Nature’s God are what endow you with a right to life and liberty. Then you have to keep the laws of God, for God’s law is the only thing that gives you a right to be free.

Right now we are facing a problem. Too many Americans have decided that it is the government’s responsibility to take care of them, to make their life good. It is the government’s responsibility to take care of and educate their children. It is the government’s responsibility to make sure they are healthy and fed. It is the government’s responsibility to make moral decisions for them. They have forgotten what freedom is.

Freedom comes with a price. When you are free, it means there is no one to blame but yourself. It means you no longer have someone to fall back on if you screw up. It means that you will reap what you sow. There is no floor and no ceiling. You can fall as far as you let yourself, and you can climb as high as you want.

This is exciting to those that intend to work hard and make something of their lives, but this is discouraging to those that want hand outs and unearned success. This feels right to those that want to do good, but wrong to those that are looking for excuses to be immoral. It feels great to the person that wants to take responsibility for how their children turn out and how much they learn, but it feels condemning to the parents that want to blame someone else if their children aren’t smart or behaved. It feels right to the retired couple that had delayed gratification when they were younger and saved for retirement, but it feels hopeless to those that spent every dime they had. This feels great to the family that didn’t take on a house loan for more than they could afford, but terrifying to the family that just foreclosed.  

The person we elect for president will not determine the fate of this country. The people living in it will. Unless our society decides to start taking responsibility for itself, we will head to the only option left. That option is having our freedom taken away for the sake of preservation. If our country cannot function because of the people, then the people will lose the right to decide.  

So on this election day, vote for freedom, not government control. The government will not save us. We have to save ourselves.    

-Tara Schiller

The movement of the Lord

I realize, especially after I read my last post, that I am a bit dramatic. However, I am not ashamed as God is dramatic too, and I really believe he enjoys me more for it. Anyhow, some major things have happened this past week. First, our renters informed us that they are breaking their lease and moving to another state. This has lead us to put our house up for sale. Second, our landlords apparently haven't been making mortgage payments for the past six months, so two days ago we got a certified letter stating that the house we are now living in will be sold at auction in 20 days. Not a lot of notice, but enough to find a place. So now we are packing and looking for a new house. When the Lord moves, he moves quickly! We will be moving farther north to be closer to DH's territory and save him about an hour and a half to two hours worth of driving a day. This means meeting new people, joining new groups, making new friends. I am excited about all of this, believe it or not, as it means a lot of positive changes for our family. We won't be able to live in as nice a neighborhood, but I think that's part of God's plan. It's a part of us letting go of our consumerism and the"keeping up with the Jones' syndrome." I'll keep everyone posted on what's going on. 

The Day of Atonement

I find it extremely coincidental that on the Day of Atonement (today), I would feel the true cost sin has had upon the human race. My heart feels as though it would burst with grief from the constant separation from the Lord. I long for his return. I am tired of this Earth and all it's sin. I am tired of the constant struggle to find joy; the everlasting pain to stay connected with the Lord. I wonder if there will be ebbs and flows in heaven or if we will always be in perfect communion with our love. Whatever the case, there must be more than this. There must be a place safe from the enemy, where all we know is love. A place where there is no fear, no failure, just grace. A place where joy is everlasting and peace is normal. A place of truth. 

There is no such place here on Earth. There is no such place in this life. The Enemy will always contend. He will always hunt. He will live on in an ever present flowing force until the day the Lord destroys him forever. Is this why Jesus came? Is this what he is saving us from? Will he mend the brokenness while we are still here on Earth? Will he touch our hearts in an everlasting way? Or will he lead us on in a torturous relationship of coming and going? He comes and steals our heart and then leaves and allows the enemy to attack. What kind of lover is that? What kind of lover is that? 

Oh the day that my heart is free. That will be a day worth living for. Today is no such day.

Wanted: Foodies

I need some volunteers that can help me with trying out some of my recipes in their own kitchens. I am in the process of writing a cook book using whole, healthy foods. I would like to have a test crew that feeds the food to their families and gives me input. I also need to know if my instructions are clear enough. Let me know if you'd like to participate and I'll do a yahoo group to discuss on. Thanks so much! 

Time

Time is a resource that is highly misunderstood. It flies by or drags on. It makes us feel rushed or anxious. It ages us. Yet, non of it is truly real but the present moment. That is the only time we can live in. The only time that we can make a difference in. We can’t change the past and we can only hope to shape the future by what we do in the present, but anything could happen in the moment to shape all else. It can only happen in the present moment though. Since the only place that is real is the present moment, that is where God dwells. Take a moment, right now, and use your senses to see the moment. What is around you? What do you smell? What do you hear? What do you feel? Where is God? See if it hits you deeper than any hope or memory ever will.  

Food Help

Okay! I need some input. I need to know what you eat for dinner or what you would like to eat. I am trying to build an extensive menu because I basically get extremely bored with food when I have it too much. I am not one that can eat the same seven meals every week. I don't need recipes, those I can look up, just what you eat? Even if it's something you get at a restaurant. Don't worry about nutritional value either as I will adjust it personally to be healthy and whole.  My goal is to make everything from scratch, as close to it's original state as possible. The funny thing is, the Lord is showing me a whole new level of what "scratch" means. Interesting stuff really. I am excited about all of it though. I feel like cooking is a way of expressing myself artistically. It brings me special enjoyment when the food is healthy and nourishing for the ones I love. So, send me what you like to eat. Can't wait to hear what it is.  

Something in the air

There is a hint of Autumn in the air today. Last night the air was cold. The temperature was perfect today. When I went outside I didn't feel hot or cold, just pleasant. There was a constant breeze like there usually is in this area. I just felt like being in the air was healing something inside me. I can see why people would go the sea to get well. There's something in the air. The mysteries the Lord has laid out in this world are many and I hope he will reveal them all to us in the end. I want to be able to read the book. Wouldn't that be great? 

Going Raw

So, in an effort to eat better, I decided to try to serve raw food for breakfast and lunch. I wasn't sure how this was going to go over with the kids, but to my surprise they are loving it! My son ate more today than I think I have ever seen him eat at a lunch setting. This must be what his body needs. He often leaves meats on his plate and it used to discourage me, but now I know it's healthy for him to eat raw food anyhow, so that's what I'll give him. We had salad with the option of cucumbers, bell peppers, onions, raw gouda, and avocado served with raw dressing made by me, and watermelon for lunch. All the kids, including my niece, ate it right up. Success. I'll keep you posted on how this goes for us. For more info on why to eat raw food, visit Living and Raw Foods. For information on how to go raw visit Karen Knowler's site. Happy Eating!

The Dragon Skin

I feel like I am on the brink of a paradigm shift. A new way of viewing the world and my purpose. It’s like Eustice in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader being enslaved as a dragon. He kept scratching off the layers. Layer after layer he scratched, yet he was still a dragon. Then Aslan showed up and dug his claws deep into the flesh of the dragon and he tore off the thick skin down to the core. When he did this, the dragon was gone and the boy, Eustice, remained, a changed person. It was painful when Aslan did it, but it worked.

I am like Eustice. I have picked up this dragon skin along the road of my life and I need God to take it off of me. I can see these windows here and there and I realize life as I know it now is an illusion, like the Matrix. I can’t do it myself, I need God. It has to be God. 

 

Great Quote

Thankful people have a view of life that begins somewhere deep in their souls, and outside circumstances just can't mar their joy. To them, life is a wonderful continuous dream come true. All of life is blessed, and they see themselves as being in a continual feast. -Debbie Pearl

Church or no church, that is the question

I found this article and wanted to share it. If you would like to read more articles on this subject, you can visit the Third Day website at thirddaychurches.com

Being Church 24/7 by Molong Nacau

Jesus never intended for Christianity to become a religious sect. He did however want His followers to follow His footsteps in how He lived life, as designed by God, on this earth. Watching what His Father does and hearing what His Father says is what He does. That's how He's obedient to His Father's will. It's not a matter of rules or of even choosing between right and wrong but of just being obedient to His Father. In like manner, the same Father calls us. He wants us, as His children, to each become an obey-er, just like Jesus.

Being church is living Christianity 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And every child of God can do just that because the Holy Spirit is not just here to stay in a believer's life on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings but every minute of the day, even if one is just sitting down or lying in bed. We are the temple of God, and wherever we go, we stay the same-the church of Jesus Christ.

Being church is neither going to church nor doing church activities. It is not a full-time or part-time Christian, and most of all; it is not a Sunday-going believer. It is not defining worship as attending worship services in church buildings. Also, it is not having a specialized ministry (a person who specializes in specific ministry in the church or someone who is a part of an elite group that does a specific task in the church or outside the church but is overseen by someone higher in authority like a pastor).

Wherever I go, I meet tens if not hundreds of Christians who don't care about going to church anymore. It's not that they have lost their faith, but rather that they have kept it until now. And they're afraid of losing it if they were to join a church! Most of these folks are not just pew sitters but have ministries in their local churches. Amazingly, I've also learned some have backslidden not because they were made to stumble by someone outside church, but by someone inside it!

"Eastern disciplines became popular in the 1970s; some Christians have searched their own tradition for an inner path to the divine, hoping to balance or even supplant the sometimes-dry diet of Sunday churchgoing." - Bart Ehrman

Millions of Christians around the world are aware of this kind of Christian Modernization. They are not ignorant anymore of the two-faced mask of hypocrisy and its effect on divisions in the body.

Let us hear from author, David Barrett, and see if the message is the same here and everywhere. He said, "World Christian Encyclopedia, estimates there are already 112 million 'out-of-church Christians' globally." He expects this number to double by 2025.

New Zealand pastor Alan Jamieson, author of the book A Churchless Faith, has been studying this phenomenon for years and says it is not the "normal churchgoers" who are leaving the church for reasons of faith:

· 94% of the Christians he has interviewed, who are currently without a church, were in positions of leadership or responsibility, such as deacons, elders and Sunday school teachers.

· 40% of them were once in full-time ministry.

· Many of them said they left the church not because they had lost their faith, but exactly because they did not want to lose it."

This may be weird, but it's real. (See also Barna Research Group and Andrew Strom's book, Out of Church Christians.)

Are these people looking for a different kind of Christianity? Are they tired of being religious? Could it be attending church -- Sunday after Sunday, week after week, month after month, and year after year, both now and forever, amen –- doesn't make you a good Christian? Maybe that's why Justin Kuek, a church planter of 20 years, comments that good Christians don't go to church! He even wanted to write a book about that. Check out the label my friend. See if you've called by His Name. Otherwise, you might end up as just another brand of Christianity on the sidewalk.

"There's a lot of interest in early Christian diversity because people who have left church, and some who are still in it, are looking for another way of being a Christian." - Marcus Borg

Structured Christianity?

If you really want to check on Jesus life and ministry in the gospels you will find out Jesus never did the same thing twice in the same way. In other words, He wasn't into techniques but was unpredictable. In our human strength (or perhaps more accurately weaknesses), we try to systematize everything Jesus did. For example, Peter who, after seeing heavenly glory, wanted to build Tabernacles in the mountain where Jesus was transfigured. And not only one, but three!

There's also the time when Jesus spat on the ground and made clay and put it on a blind man's eyes and commanded him to wash it in the pool. May I ask those who have a Healing of the Blind Ministry, did Jesus use a clockwise or a counterclockwise motion? Or maybe I will specialize with a Spitting Ministry. Do you want me to spit on you?

Jesus' life was never structured; He simply obeyed His Father. Singing for 30 minutes may not be worship at all. Worship is obedience to what He called us to be. That is the highest form of worship. It is the expression of our redeemed lives, our way of life. We cannot just put our Lord or His ways into a system.

Churches today are like spiritual machines. Programs are their survival kits. People love to pour their money into the machine to keep it running. But in reality, church life is like a wind: you don't know where it goes. It is a journey, a daily journey. It cannot be sewn up in the intellect; it must be uncovered during the journey.

Be Led By The Spirit And Walk In The Spirit

Have you wondered why we are to be led by and walk in the Spirit? Because a disciple is a follower, a follower of Jesus' footsteps, we are on a journey. No wonder the measurement of our maturity is to be like Christ and the end of it is when we see Him face to face (1 John 3:2). So it's not joining Discipleship Class 101 or working our way through a curriculum but it is a lifelong day-to-day commitment. A "take up your cross daily and follow Me" subject. The fruit of the Spirit are not there as proof of maturity but is part of the progress of your journey toward Christ. It is not the sign of your qualification as a mature person but a quality of the life you live before everybody. It is not the end of your journey; it is your endless journey until you meet met Him.

We are not only not religious, but we're not legalists either. We are not guided by rules, but we are guarded by our freedom in Christ. Paul rightly claimed, "Everything is permissible to me but not everything is beneficial." What a freedom we have in Christ!

You Can Be Natural And At The Same Time Spiritual

Jesus was the most spiritual person on earth and He was also the most natural person on earth. Our religious assumption is that we're trying to separate our natural life from our spiritual life. When we have devotions, we think we are more holy and closer to God. We feel spiritual. But how about afterwards? When we "minister" we feel spiritual. But when we're done ministering what are we?

The only valid answer is: You are religious, not spiritual -- making Sunday a holy day just because you've gone to church, then considering Monday through Saturday unholy because you go to work. You are separating the sacred from the secular. You are not righteous, you are religious! And the danger of being religious is that it prevents you from obtaining the real thing.

The best word we have for this is "hypocrite." One man entered a church on Sunday morning and wondered why the people there ignored and avoided him. "Ah, I see," he realized. "They don't like smoking.Church people don't like smoking." So he threw away his cigarette butts. People started to welcome him, believing he was touched by God's presence in church. After church he went home, opened the cabinet and lit a piece of cigar. Next Sunday members thought he stopped smoking because of a touch from God's presence. No. It was their legalism and their religiosity. What did this man learn? He learned to play the game of hypocrisy. Where? In the church. And often pastors are the biggest hypocrites there.

I Am The Church Where Should I Go?

God in heaven transferred His residence from a temple building to a temple body, which is Christ's church on earth. Even from the beginning, God's original intention was to stay in a Tent, which is mobile, not in a Tabernacle, which is stable. But even then God granted David's desire, but not for long. "God became flesh and dwelt [tabernacled in Greek] among us." He wants to have a movement of people, not a monument of bricks. He wants called out ones, a community, and a nation of priests. And only God can move people into such a movement of ekklesia.

Movement of ekklesia. Who can make a difference? God's only purpose for giving His people the Laws, priests, sacrifices, the Temple and circumcision was for them to be different from all peoples of the earth. But a short time later they intermarried with other nations. The pagans' gods became their gods. They became friends with the world and developed enmity toward God. Is there any difference? Instead of these nations following them, God's people became their followers. The important thing is not that we do church differently. What counts is how we live life differently.

“The Lord simply said, "I will change the understanding and expression of Christianity in one generation.” - Mike Bickle

Sunshine, Waves, and Sand

Today we went to the beach and it was wonderful. No broken bones this time! The weather was perfect: sunny and breezy. The waves were breaking far off shore and were very mild, so it was perfect for the kids to get some body surfing in. I even got out there with them! Even my son was getting into playing in the waves. He kept wanting to go out further into the water. As I was sitting in my beach chair soaking in the sun and the breeze, I felt so blessed. Today was a good day. Oh yeah, on the way home my middle daughter said, "Mom, I really like that you play with us at the beach." That made me feel like I had done my job today. 

New Group

Today I had a group of life learners over to my house and it was really refreshing. I was a bit insecure, but felt good about it. Not sure what these families beliefs are other than how they homeschool. I ned to get to the point where I can express myself and my faith without timidity. I tend to always worry about offending people. I need to work on this. Something to pray for if anyone out there in the void happens to be praying for me. Anyhow, back to the life learners. Hoping to get together with them again soon.

I AM NOT IN A BOX!

Ok, so you know how I sent out the e-mail that I have another blog now for my homeschooling journey, well strike that. I don't know why I felt I needed to separate the two. I am always trying to categorize myself. Homeschooling is something I do. It's part of me. This blog is about my entire journey... so I am deleting the other blog and posting everything about me here. Take it or leave it. If homeschooling offends anyone, they can just not read my blog! Ok, I feel better now. Do I need to apologize? I was a bit harsh there. Sorry. Here is the post I made on my other blog. No need to read it again if you read the other one.

A Good Day

No matter what your philosophy or method, there will be good days and bad days. Today was a good day. The Lord was gracious enough to wake me up refreshed early this morning so I could have some good God time and go running. This is the second time He has done this in the past week or so and it helps me to see his intention toward me in a great way. After breakfast and everyone doing the morning dishes, I told the kids to have fun. I went into my room and started writing some letters to a few friends I wanted to send my blessing and love to. Cameron worked on her "Recycled Village" adding fish made out of buttons and string, ponds for them to go into, and people. Chloe decided to write some letters too. She made a card for my sister with a picture in it, then dictated to me what to write. Xander made cards too by cutting and pasting paper to his hearts content. Then, Cameron worked on the story she's been writing. She is typing this story, so she only does a few sentences at a time, as it takes her awhile. Sometimes she will do a whole page. After cleaning up our messes, we ate lunch and prepared for Sacred Hour (our one hour quiet time). I read aloud "The Little Drummer Boy" to Xander and then read aloud "Please Bury me in the Library" by Patrick Lewis. I loved this book and I put it on my list of books I want to buy. It is a whole poem book about reading. It has great illustrations too. Here is one of the poems:

Great, Good, Bad

A great book is a homing device

For navigating paradise.

A good book somehow makes you care 

About the comfort of a chair.

A bad book owes to many trees

A forest of apologies. 

Cameron read to herself during sacred hour and Chloe looked at books while Xander slept. After Sacred Hour, the kids played. Before dinner time, they got out the tangrams and made all sorts of shapes. Even my husband got involved. When I started taking pictures of the kids playing, they wanted to take pictures so I let them. Before bed I read aloud a chapter from "Little House on the Prairie".  All this stuff was done without me prompting them to do any of it. My only instructions were to have fun. So, here's to life learning and all the adventures there are to behold.  

Helpful Tips

I found this great list of helpful household tips that you have to read. I am definitely going to try out the ant killer one, because we have a major ant problem right now. Enjoy!

http://kopiaste.blogspot.com/2008/02/some-helpful-household-tips.html

My Other Blog

After going round and round with the Lord, I decided to stay on the homeschooling path for our family right now. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but this is here and now in our lives. I started a separate blog to to talk about our homeschooling journey. You can visit it at www.schillerjourney.blogspot.com .  Hope to see you there.

Great Quote

I found this quote attached to the end of an e-mail and I loved it! Here it is:

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
- Christopher Morley

Chapter 6: Relationships

Chapter 6: Relationships

An interesting dynamic has been taking place during all of this emotional turmoil, an underlying plot.  Through all the conversations with my husband I am beginning to see how much he loves me. I am beginning to understand that I can entrust him with my heart. I thought I understood that before. I thought I was open to him, but now I am seeing another level of depth. I have this security in my heart that he just loves and loves and loves me and always will. I think before I was afraid of what would happen when I got older and less attractive, or what would happen if I gained weight. My worst fear: what would happen when he got tired of me being so emotionally unstable. It wasn’t even a fear that he would leave me, but a fear that he would disapprove of me. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel free from that fear. It allows me to give him everything in my heart and not worry about being rejected by him. In areas where my heart would automatically close up to him before I am stopping and willingly opening those areas to him. I can see that me giving him my heart allows him to open himself up to me more. It’s a beautiful thing and I am incredibly grateful for it.

This morning I was thanking God for this and just having a conversation with Him. The Spirit started showing me that I was able to love more because of how loved I felt. He showed me that understanding how loved I am by the Lord will be what allows me to open my heart to Him. So that’s how it works? I never really grasped that before. It always seemed so selfish to need the Lord to show me how much He loves me in order for me to love him. I felt like I should just love Him because he is so great, such a wonderful God. The way I love the Lord is more of a respect. I am so in awe of him and his greatness. He has done great things for me and for mankind. He has saved us through his son. He has sacrificed and bled for us. But, that hasn’t led me to deep open love with him. It has led me to deep respect for him. The kind of love a great leader would receive from his people. But, that’s not what God wants. That’s not what we were created for. That’s not why Jesus died. Jesus died so we could have relationship with him, so that we would not just respect him as a leader, but love him as a husband. Love him with our hearts wide open. He wants us to be one with him.

To know the Lord in a love relationship like this would be to fulfill my heart. It is all I seek. It is freedom. It is Joy. It is rich and fulfilling, where I will never thirst again. It is my purpose and my place. It is the answer. The only thing I need now is, for God to show me how much he loves me. This will be my prayer. 

Janet is Hungry

I found a great blog called Janet is Hungry. Check it out. I will be visiting her when I need to make my meal plan! You can click on the link on my blog to get to her site. It is in the Blogs I frequent section on the sidebar.

Book Recommendation

"The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear," by Don and Audrey Woods is a classic book that every child should have the chance to enjoy. My mother read it to my sisters and I when we were little and I now have gone through two copies reading it to my children. I so enjoy it. I also enjoy "Quick as a Cricket" by the same authors. 

Inland Empire Writers Club

Today I went to my first Inland Empire Writer's Club meeting. It was great and I am planning to join. It was encouraging and planted a bit of hope back into me. I have been so intimidated lately by the writing world and talking to the other writers, most of whom have been published numerous times, made me feel like I could do this thing. They started the meeting with a writing exercise, but I was late and wasn't able to participate. So, I did it on my own. The assignment? 5 Minutes to describe your mind. Here's what I came up with on my drive home. It's beginning to sound redundant, but this is just where I am at.

My Mind

My mind is a desert loop that crosses a hill.

Well worn by my thoughts and the things that I feel.

It’s covered in signs

The hill

By me

All posting, “Dear Lord, please set me free!”

Chapter 5: The Cold Hard Truth

Chapter 5: Cold Hard Truth

I feel like I am on this time out. Like God said, “Ok Turbo, let’s just sit you over here for awhile, away from all reality and other people, and let you calm down.” This was, of course, after I sat down on the top of this hill I keep climbing and said, “I WILL NOT MOVE UNTIL SOMETHING CHANGES! I REFUSE TO TAKE ANOTHER LAP!” (I wonder how I would have faired as an Israelite in the desert?)

This time out has been really good for me. I feel like it has given me permission to sit down and think about my life. To think about who I am, where I am going, and why we are all here. I never thought of it as a luxury before, but it really, truly is. It’s hard in life to take the time out of all our busyness and just contemplate things. I am gaining this incredible perspective of life and how meaningless it all is. There is some freedom in that, but there is something missing. With no meaning, there is no hope.

On that note, I received an e-mail from father saying he thinks I need medication. “It may be hereditary depression, due to a hormonal imbalance,” he says.

At first I laugh at this. I think, “He would assume that.” (He is a therapist.)

My defenses go up saying, “God told me all emotions are good. Maybe that advice was for this. It was advice for a piece of armor against this attack. Why does the world always want happiness in our lives and nothing else?”

Then my mind brings me to when I was going to this great alterative medicine doctor In Colorado who practiced applied kinesiology. When I was seeing him and regulating my hormones, when I was getting healthy, I had a stable mood. I remember feeling like I could accomplish anything, even long-term ideas. Maybe this is hormonal.

After a few days of considering this, I am in front of God and I just spill my beans. I tell Him exactly how I feel, because…well, I am basically naked in space and completely exposed anyhow, right?

 I tell Him, “Thank you for showing me that I have a problem. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I am glad that there may be hope for emotional stability in the future, but I also feel like the knowledge of that takes away from what I’ve been going through. There’s something exciting about being manic/depressant. Everything is dramatic. I don’t want this whole journey I’ve been on with you to be for not. I don’t want to live a Pottery Barn life that never makes a difference. I don’t want to be an extra in your story. I want to be the heroine. I want to be the bride! I want every inch of my life to be worth something. I don’t want to just take up space.

Yet, my heart is tired. It feels like it’s on its last string. I’m ready to settle a bit. I know that in my current hormonal state, I will never be able to be intentional about anything. Knowing that if I get better I’ll be able to accomplish some things encourages me to change. I just still want to be me. I don’t know why I feel like I can’t be me if I’m healthy. That’s kind of sad, now that I think about it.

I am hopeful. I think I could actually be more of me if I were stronger. I know you created me with an incredible strength. I crave that strength: the strength of Deborah, enough to lead Israel.

The last few years I have been so weak, but you have used it to mold my heart. I have been so humbled. I no longer judge or exclude people like I used to, because I now know all of us have breaking points; all of us are fallible; all of us have weaknesses. We are all on a journey and none of us have arrived. ‘We do the things we do not want to do, and the things we want to do we do not do.’ That Paul guy knew what he was talking about. Lord, lift me up from where I am. Be faithful to complete a good work in me. My soul depends on it.”

 

Quick note

I appreciate everyone's concern and love for me. I have been getting comments about my story with people being extremely worried about me. My story was written awhile ago. I am just only releasing a chapter at a time. The Lord has done a lot in my life since these were written. Keep reading.

Tara

Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Changing the way I view Myself

I am beginning to realize that I will just have to put aside what I think is so important during my day and give God what He is asking for. I cannot wait for this dream vacation with Him to happen. So I am going to Him right here in my life. I have go to Him because my heart no longer possesses a will. It has no hope, no purpose. When there is no hope and no purpose, death begins to seem like a welcome retreat. I often think to myself, I wish I could just die already and get this meaningless life over with. I’m not thinking this way because my life is hard or I am angry about my circumstances. It’s just that a life without meaning is no life at all. Many people would argue that I have kids and a husband; there is plenty of meaning in that! Well, when you are thinking that none of it matters anyway because their lives are meaningless too, that’s where the problem comes in. At this point, a family death would not scare me.  It’s freeing really.

I think, “That just gets us into heaven all that much sooner to spend eternity with our groom in peace and paradise.”

I am not at all suicidal; I just don’t care if I live. I feel like I would not miss a thing. There would be no regrets.

The Lord is strong and can handle everything I throw at him. He can handle me being depressed. He knew I was going to be. He knows I will be again. This is something I love about him. He is never shocked or insecure.  He just speaks to my heart where I am and tells me what I need to hear in order to change and grow more towards my purpose.

I decide to talk to my husband about all of this. I don’t want to. I hate sounding crazy. I know what I sound like. I tell him God is taking away my schedule and the structure in my life. I tell him I don’t care if I die. I tell him I feel like there is no point to life.

He starts to draw out of me the things I never want to talk about and it ‘s good to hear feedback. The Lord is really talking to him and speaking to me through him. I tend to forget that we need each other: the family of God. I tend to think it can all be accomplished with God alone if only our relationship were perfect. Yet, even Adam needed Eve and he walked with God. He hadn’t even sinned and created a separation yet.

Through the conversation with my husband and the conversations I had with God I am starting to see some things. One thing God told me was that all emotions are good. Happy is not the only good emotion. Emotions make a person alive. When you are sad, be sad. When you are happy, be happy. When you are angry, be angry. When you’re excited, be excited. And, let others experience emotions without being threatened by them. If another person is upset, it is not necessarily the best thing to try to cheer them up. Emotions have to run their coarse sooner or later. Whether right at the moment of infliction or years down the road when you explode or a therapist digs it out of you. They are living. They do not go away by ignoring them.

This is huge for me, as I feel horrible when I am sad. I feel ashamed, like I am doing something wrong.  This offers me a bit of freedom. Freedom is my only goal and hope in my life right now.

Another thing the Lord is showing me is how He wants to direct my life. He tells me I am a free spirit. Wow! I want to be that! He’s helping me see that I like the idea of structure and plans, but hate the monotony of them. I can never actually live in them. He reminds me of a time when I had actually willed myself to live in a routine and schedule. I was doing well. My house was clean, my kids were in check, my meals in order. Then something happened. I got bored. For two or three days I did nothing. I just let it pile up. When there was some challenge presented, it became interesting again and I cleaned and created a new plan. I like to plan. I hate to live in it. I need variety.

The Lord wants me to live day by day with Him leading my life. This freaks me out because I can’t plan. The plans make me feel secure, even though I never really follow through with them. He wants me to give up planning and feeling like a failure when I don’t follow through with them. He wants me to wake up and smell the roses. Live each day for that day never knowing what it may bring. He gently reminds me that even though I don’t have a plan, he does. So far, he has never lied to me and only been ever faithful. Can I bring myself to trust Him?

Living like this takes incredible faith! It sounded great until the today when I woke up and had no plan. However, he reminds me of a prophecy he has given me. He says I will be like Deborah. I will be a prophet and a leader. He brings to my attention that a prophet has to listen to God and do what he says. The only way I can do that is to give up my own plans and embrace his. This gives me a goal, a purpose. I don’t know how, but the Lord is going to use me. This I can live with.

 

Chapter Three: The Breakdown

Chapter Three: The Breakdown

I have a major flaw. Every three months or so, I have a complete emotional breakdown; my poor husband. I am worried he will commit me soon. You see, there is a cycle. I start off doing great. I have restructured my life and I am heading out with a plan. My kids respond well to it and we are on a roll. The house is clean, manners are good, school is exciting, and mommy is happy. Then, a couple of weeks in, usually not more than two or three, something happens. I’m not sure what it is or if it is the same thing each time, but it all falls apart in my head. I just lose all interest in whatever it is we are doing. I start to feel like I am doing it all wrong and that something needs to change.  I feel like there has to be more to life than this and I start asking God what is wrong. After a while, I become completely overwhelmed with something, it’s different every time, and I have an emotional breakdown.

I usually rebound after a pep talk from my husband, but right now, a pep talk is not going to help. You see, I recognize the pattern. I don’t want to visit this place again. I am not moving from this spot in my life until something drastic has changed. I am not moving until I figure it out! I am going to sit on top of this hill that I keep climbing and change, before I take another step. I refuse to stake in another flag that says, “I’ve been here. I’m here again!”

So, what do I do? I start from point A. Purpose. I know my purpose in this life is to have relationship with God. I know that I must do this on Earth because love is not true deep love, unless we choose it through trials and hardships. It’s not true love unless it comes with a price. So, I need to get away with God. I know this and I write my husband (poor husband) a letter.

“Dear Husband,

            I need to leave and get away by myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live in this prison I have created for myself in my heart. I want to be free. I want to be adjusted and happy. I can’t push it to the back of my mind anymore. It kills me to see the effects of this on you and the kids. I need to get away with the Lord and have a break through. I need something to change. I can’t pretend that I don’t anymore. I need to get away from distractions and get with the Lord until something changes. It’s summer for the kids so a schedule isn’t needed. I’ll talk to my mom about watching them during the day until you get home from work. I don’t know how long this is going to take, but it is so crucial to the rest of our lives that I get this resolved and get on a path to freedom. I realize this is a lifelong journey, but I need a boot camp of sorts to get me started. I know this will be hard, but I feel this is necessary. I can see a path of destruction before me if I don’t change. I love you. You are the most amazing husband I could ever hope for.”

I picture myself living alone in a borrowed beach house learning about myself, learning about God. I picture a sense of independence and strength growing in my heart. A sense of purpose. I long for it and feel it is necessary. Then my husband reads the letter.

Dear husband is troubled by this letter, understandably. He says it sounds like one of those letters you get just before your wife leaves you, never to return. I try to assure him that I adore him and the kids and would never leave them. He understands and says it will be hard having me gone, but he gets it. I start to feel selfish. I also start to feel like it is a fantasy that will never happen. Where will I stay? Will my mom really see that I need her to watch the kids or will she be completely upset and burdened? My hope begins to fade.  

part of mE wanTs to live a life of chaos and traVel. a life where Nothing is predIctable bUt everything is aliVe with coloR.  

Another part of me wants to live a stable life of matching furniture and farm house hospitality. Gardens that thrive and are pruned daily, accompany my guests on my veranda.

Which one will win? Who will I become? Who am I really? ONly time will tell.

Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

Chapter Two: Scientific Reasoning

             My view of life and how one should act and live has been formed in a very scientific way. I looked around me, saw what people were doing and how they were living, picked out the traits I thought were the most noble and enriching, and set that as my standard. Ok, truthfully I read about people in books and idealized them. I don’t know of many real people that I have gathered much from. So, these were not real people, or at least not the full spectrum of real people.  And, since most of the books I read were classics (being told to do so by the “experts”) and books about homeschooling, I begin to form a very old fashioned and unobtainable view of what was right.

 If I were the perfect mother, I would live on a farm, always be graceful, organized, beautiful, in great shape, cook everything from scratch, and be a very supportive and submissive wife.  I would never yell, always have a plan, get up at sunrise and be consistent, consistent, consistent. I would be happy…that happy thing still haunts me; it is the one thing I cannot fake.

These are all great things, but my view leaves me with no room for reality. No emotion but happiness and warmth. No bad days. No sick days. No summer break. No PMS.  No kids that just don’t want to clean up their room. No clutter. No…life. Real life is messy and I have a hard time dealing with real life, because it doesn’t live up to my standard. It overwhelms me, because I can’t maintain my fantasy and live in real life at the same time. What do I do? What do I do?

The obvious answer to the question above is, “Let go of the fantasy.” Well, easier said than done. You see, all the elements in my standard are good and right, so which ones do I let go of? I’ve tried to let go of my schedule and then my house falls apart and my kids get cranky because they need structure. I’ve tried to let go of the farm thing, but I just hate track homes. I’ve tried to not care about what we eat, but then I gain ten pounds and end up really sick. You get the picture. So, where do I go from here? The answer: total breakdown.

Chapter One: School

I am writing a raw story. One of those crazy things where you expose yourself to everyone in the planet. Well, here it is: This is chapter one, un-edited. This was a little while back that I started this.

Chapter One: School

I’m standing here in my three-year-old son’s closet and wondering, “Who am I? Who am I?” The question we all must face sooner or later I guess. I hate that it is so cliché.  I wish I were the only one dealing with it, so that people wouldn’t look at me and just know I’ll get through it. It’s a big deal. I feel like it is a make or break thing. If I choose wisely, I could be one of those people that lives differently and experiences life to it’s fullest. If I choose poorly or just gloss over all this, I could end up as the typical housewife who has a midlife crises when her children leave the nest and she is faced with only herself to look at in the mirror every day, while her husband sleeps with the adventurous secretary who hasn’t sold herself out to her kids and husband and forgotten who she was all those years.  I know there are other alternatives, but those are all I can see right now.

            It was all those “How to Parent” books I read. Even worse, the “How to Homeschool” books. Yes, I home school my three children. As if being a normal mom wasn’t enough of a challenge, I had to go and home school. Why? Simple. I am eccentric. Somewhere along the line, home schooling seemed like it would be fun!  I had visions of my kids and I studying rocks by going out on a hike and touching and feeling them. Learning about the water cycle while laying on the grass of an open meadow or park watching clouds float by.  Learning all the different flower parts and species while we grew an amazing garden. Reenacting historical events in costume.  Being gathered around the fireplace reading aloud from a great book that we just couldn’t put down. That was home schooling in my mind. It was family and knowledge and fun wrapped up in a perfect package.  

Well, enter homes schooling experts. (Those people that are trying to sell you their way to do things.) Everyone has a theory. Everyone’s theory is the right way. If you don’t do it the right way, you will basically ruin your children’s ability to learn and function as an extraordinary person in life. You will kill their love of learning or leaves gaps in their education. You will ruin their relationship with God… catch my drift.

            Some unimpressionable people would blow these “experts” off and follow their heart. That is not me. I am very impressionable. (Something that I have grown to despise about myself.) I eat up what these experts say and try to fulfill it. I try to change myself to fit their mold. I consistently try to be that perfect homeschooling mother and do what is best for my kids. The only problem is, I hate it! It’s not fun. It stresses me out and makes me cranky. I constantly try to forget myself and mold my life around these three little angles that all have different learning styles and personalities, leading inevitably to a break down every few months when my motor can’t push against the wake any longer!  Aghh!!!

            I realize that I have been poorly programmed and I want to deprogram what I have been told. I want to regain my naivety and bliss. I try to do this. I reschedule my day. I come up with a new plan. I put my kids on the waiting list at a charter school because I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I get depressed and my house starts to look like a TLC show needs to stop by and do a “Clean Sweep.”

 Yet, through it all, the little voices of the experts bleed through. The numerous studies that have been done proving their point, etch at my mind. The sad thing is, I wonder if it is more about me being a failure, than me wanting the best thing for my kids. I haven’t decided which one of those points drives me the most yet. Right now, deep down, I hate life. I wonder why God had to put us here in the first place. Why couldn’t he just place us in heaven where we could be in perfect relationship with Him always? I know the answer, but I am depressed and ignore it.

 

Superior Saturday

The sixth book in The Keys to the Kingdom series, Superior Saturday, was released today. Of course we rushed to the book store to get it! We read the prolog and two chapters aloud tonight as a family, then we had to put it down because it was bed time. Actually, my husband is reading on as we speak. As soon as we finish it I will give it a proper review. If you have never heard of this series, you must get it. It is a great book for the whole family. This is a great series to give to boys, although girls enjoy it just as much. The author is Garth Nix. If you can find the audio books, the actor that reads them is great! I know the library has had them in both counties and states I have lived in. For now, happy reading.

 

Film Festival Sneak Peak

Tonight I went to the Temecula Film Festival Sneak Peak. This is running every Thursday night in a vacant business suite for 7 weeks. The films that are shown are films the Film Festival Committee are considering for the festival. After a film is viewed, each viewer fills out a questioner about the movie. Depending on the ratings from the viewers, the movie will or will not be shown at the festival. 

The first film we saw was a feature film tentatively called "Still Water". This film is a thriller, so it is exciting. The directing is sharp, and the cinematography is appealing. The acting is surprisingly good, giving it a Hollywood feel, as opposed to "filmed in the back yard." The writing was unpredictable, although my husband did call it. There was great character and story line development. I felt like the writer did a good job with the flow of things. Overall, very professional and a movie I would recommend, although it was a little crude...but what thriller isn't. 

The next film we saw was a short. It was called, "The Amazing Renaldo". This was a very cute movie with cheesy acting and a low budget feel. However, I am convinced that is the way the director wanted it to feel. I do not feel like they were trying to do something out of their league and fell short. It was very entertaining and funny. A definite feel good movie I would love to have around to show people at a party. Quirky and artistic.

The third and last film we saw was also a short. It was called, "Swimming." This was a slow, low budget film that had a touching story with a little quirkiness thrown in. The acting of the supporting characters and extras was a bit weak, making it feel like you were watching a movie being made. The main characters were fluent though. Interesting story worth the time it takes to watch it. I enjoyed this film. It touched an abstract part of me. 

It was neat to be able to be a part of this process. Considering going again.   

Summer is for Friends and Family

I have been so blessed lately by friendships. The Lord is opening up doors for relationships all over the place. This past week we have been able to visit with some friends from Washington that are in town on a visit and it has really blessed us and our children. There are a whole bunch of other new friends we have been making too, and I am excited about it. It seems for the last two years, when we were in Colorado, friendships were hard and few. Now I am grateful, because it would have been harder to leave if we had all sorts of really close friends there. I did take a few friendships from Colorado, though. It's nice to be able to not worry about anything during the summer and just visit with others until late at night. That is why Summer is for friends and family. Good food, good friends, great family, a loving God... what more could we want?

Emergency room again!

My husband is an incredibly competitive guy. He does not like to lose. So on Friday, just to beat me out, he dislocated and fractured his finger while we were at the beach! The best part: He didn't even wince. I was balling of course when I hurt my arm, and he calmly walks up to me and says, "We have to go, I broke my finger." Then he shows me his mangled finger that was in all the wrong places. Another lady we were there with even asked him if he was in the military before, when he was trying to relocate his finger with a calm expression like it was no big deal. So, anyhow, we ended up at the same emergency room, with the same insurance that doesn't start for a few more days. Oh, the dramas of life. This is the x-ray of his finger and a picture of his splinted hand. 

Restaurant Review

Today my mother and I went to a new restaurant in Temecula called Rodrigo's Mexican Grill. It is decorated well with unique architecture like thick wood slated walls and geometric lamps. Classy Mexican art graces the walls, but it is not overdone. There is this great wall hanging at the front hostess desk with ceramic plates hanging from a wood slate. The waitress was very attentive... ok a little too attentive. My mom and I were there maybe 30 minutes and she came to our table about ten times. I think the combination of her being new and it not being very busy at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday, made her a little anxious to serve! I honestly have never had that problem before. I was tempted to tell her something different every time she asked how everything was, just to keep her busy. However, I kindly replied that everything was great. 

The food was typical California Mexican. (So glad to be back!) It wasn't anything particularly special, but good. The chips were a little thicker than I tend to like, but that is a matter of preference. The salsa was great. Fresh, spicy and smooth. I had the two shredded beef taco meal with rice and beans. My mom had the lunch tostada. We both had iced tea. The iced tea was great! Our meals were both lunch specials which cost around $8 each. Not too bad for an air conditioned, classy atmosphere, midday lunch, with an exceptionally attentive waitress. So, would I recommend it? I really feel neutral about it. I probably wouldn't go out of my way to recommend it, but if asked about it, I would say it was good.  

Warning! Dryers Can Be Dangerous!

When one thinks of the dangers of the clothes dryer, the thought of fire is the most obvious...don't be deceived. Well, we have a special dryer. Its name is Earl, affectionately named for its many quirks. One of these quirks is the fact that once it gets going, it doesn't stop until it is done or you turn the knob to off. So, when you open the door it keeps right on spinning. This is not a real issue (usually). Today, however, was not an usual day. I threw my daughters swimsuit into the dryer this morning to get it dry for a swim play date we had scheduled. (We went swimming last night and hers was not quite dry yet.) As I went to retrieve it, I opened the door of the dryer. It never occurred to me to turn the nob to off and grab the swimsuit then. No, I just stuck my hand in and tried to snatch it. There are slats inside a dryer to tumble the clothes and one of those caught my arm. (Yes, I know the opening is very large, but the swimsuit was stuck to the side.) Before I knew what was happening, my arm was flipped in a circle and discarded out of the dryer. As I sat on the floor of my laundry room sobbing from the pain, my mother (who was luckily there) found me and helped me to get to a chair. I thought I just banged it up pretty good, but the pain wouldn't go away. In fact, it was getting worse. Then, I felt my elbow. I touched the other elbow to compare and there was a definite difference. I had my mom feel it and she said, "I guess we're going to the emergency room!" The bone was not where it should be. I called hubby, still sobbing and told him what was going on. My mom called our play date and canceled. All I could think was, "What a stupid thing to do!" Luckily my sister and brother in law live close as they came and picked up the kids from the emergency room. We were there for about three hours total. Somewhere along the line, my arm readjusted itself, as my bone was no longer sticking out. The doctor said that the body will do that, just put itself back. The x-rays showed I had no broken bones, but the doctor said I had deeply bruised my soft tissue. She comforted me with, "It will be worse tomorrow." Right now I'm wishing I was good friends with a chiropractor, as my whole body is aching from the dryer jolt. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that our new health insurance doesn't kick in until July 1st. Now that is irony. What is that? 11 days? Overall, it's pretty funny really. Well, lesson learned: Don't Mess With Earl!

A Day With the Family

Today we went to a beach in San Diego called Torey Pines. When we got there, the tide was in and there was really no beach at all. The parking attendant said it was on its way out though, so we decided to stick it out. This is normally a small beach with no dry sand as it is. Surprisingly, it was really nice that the beach was short as we could sit while our kids played and they were right in front of us. The water has warmed up considerably in the last month or so and it was pleasant. I had a lot of fun playing frisbee with my husband. The kids had fun playing in the water, collecting seashells, and playing a little frisbee themselves. It was overcast, but not cold and we all enjoyed it. DH got burnt, but the rest of us are just pleasantly tanned. Overall, a very relaxing and enjoyable time.

This moment

I love the smell of roses. I have two at my desk right now that I am holding up to my nose every few seconds, determined to pull all the scent out of them and lock it into my memory. It is a pleasantly mild day, overcast but not too cold. There are birds chirping outside my window. I like when they do that. The house is peaceful and quiet right now. My heart is full of the love of the Lord.

Proposed future development..

My dad is always talking about what technical advances to the human body we will have in the future and I thought I'd propose one. I would like to get equipped with a device that would project music from me according to my emotions, like a person in a movie. When I am sad, a sad theme song would play. When I am feeling crazy, maybe a rock or techno song...you get the picture. So if anyone out there in the void of blogging is considering creating this technology, you have my vote.

Husbands Birthday

We had a birthday party for my husband yesterday. We had a lot of fun. We had some old friends come that we haven't seen in years, so it was nice to get reacquainted with them and see their kids. We also had family from both sides there, which is always interesting. 

After eating and hanging out awhile, we played guys against girls Pictionary, losers clean up, to get everyone in the party mood. It was a lot of fun. Surprisingly, both my girls were great guessers! My oldest (8), even guessed pelican off of a drawing that looked...well, maybe like a starfish throwing up. When she said, "Pelican!" and the drawer, not naming names, said, "Yes! Pelican!" we lost it. 

After Pictionary, the girls cleaned up (having lost) while everyone took potty breaks, had some cake, and got drinks. We set up the stage and I changed for the interpretive dance my mother and I had planned. The title was, "The Sniffles, narrated by (My Mom)". We both sat on chairs next to each other and I curled up into a ball on mine. Slowly I let my leg start dropping down, then my mom sniffed in (using the microphone for emphasis) and I pulled my leg up. We continued with this, me pulling my leg up subtly with small sniffs and fast and dramatically with deep determined sniffs. Some people, like my sister and brother in law, got it right away, and were laughing. Some people were just waiting for something to happen, probably thinking we were off our rocker. Just before we ended with our big sneeze, my husband told the other half of the people that I was the snot, and then they laughed. My mom sneezed and I flew off the chair for the big finale. 

Then we played some improv. games and told embarrassing stories. By that time it was late and people started to leave. It was a fun night. Looking forward to some more Saturday night drama.     

PRINCE CASPIAN REVIEW

Today our whole family arrived at the local theater to the first showing of the day to see "Prince Caspian". We went to the 11:45am showing and I was surprised at the lack of a crowd. My husband pointed out that not everyone is a stay at home mom that can go to the movies in the middle of the day. Huh. 

Well, we were full of anticipation, excited to see our beloved book on film...and were completely let down. The movie was horrible. So horrible that I am tempted to seek out the director and slap him in the face. Too harsh? Well, you might feel the same way if you were a lover of the book. It was so far from the original that I don't think they should be able to call it "Prince Caspian". They completely changed the story, leaving out crucial information, not building characters at all, and adding scenes and circumstances that weren't even a part of the book. They even added Queen Susan and Prince Caspian falling in love with each other!!!! They even kissed at the end. That wasn't even a thought in the book!!! Peter was a whiny brat throughout the whole movie, whereas in the book he is noble and acts like the high king, and he and Caspian got into a full blowout, even drawing swords on each other. I left the theater enraged at the sheer gull of the director. It was like he said, "C. S. Lewis didn't know what he was talking about. Let me change it into something to get ratings." A side note: It was really for a little older crowd as it was scary and there was a lot of killing.

So, I'm sure you know this by now, but I would not waste my money on seeing it. Even if you've never read the book, it wasn't done well enough to pay $9 to see it. Rent it from a Red Box for a dollar when it comes out.

Family Time

We had a great Mother's Day with our family. My sister and her husband came over as well as my grandmother and father, my mother already being here. We ate a great meal, played boys against girls Pictionary, went to the park and played softball, came home and roasted marshmallows and made smores with our new fire pit, 

 bathed the kids and put a movie on for them while we went in the spa and settled into a good conversation. Everyone left between nine and ten at night. It was a great day spent with family. 

We are starting a Saturday night gathering and we are calling it "Embrace the Drama". We are all excited about this! This week we are building a stage and hanging lights and lanterns to set the scene. Every Saturday night will be a different theme. To start, this Saturday we are having an open mic night. This is to kick things off. It is also a celebration for DH 29th birthday. Other themes we are considering: Poetry night, blockbuster night, interpretive dance night, music night, public service announcements to be done randomly, karaoke, improv night, lip sinc and air guitar night, stand up comedy, etc...  I just love fellowship with other people. Relationships are what life is about and I feel so much more alive when I live in that purpose. 

Opening Night

Last night my mom and I went to the opening night of "The Merc". Merc is short for mercantile and is a new music hot spot for Temecula. Three different music groups played, all high schoolers. The first one was a guy that played a jazz, rock, blues type tune on his electric guitar and had his computer as a band. Never seen someone perform like that and he was great! He lacked a little stage presence, but I think that will probably come with time as he is more and more exposed to audiences. 

The second group was a 16 year old singer/songwriter and her acoustic guitar guy and electric guitar guy. Her songs were great! Radio worthy writing, really. I was impressed. Her voice could use some training and she needs a good sound guy, but otherwise, very promising. She could submit her songs to some singers and probably have a number one single. 

The third group, complete with dad living through his kids guy running the video camera and setting up sound, was an all male rock band that looked goofy, but when they started playing they were great! They surprised me with their mature sound and the singer had a great voice...was not expecting that. Great music overall for the entire night.

The Merc has a little work to do before they can be great. They served drinks and cookies before the show, which was a little elementary, but then had no drinks (not even water) for the rest of the night. That's a long time to be at a place with no refreshments. They said they are working on getting their food service license. I think putting a coffee house in the front part of the building would boost their attendance big time and they have the room. Maybe I'll call someone. I also think leaving the doors open so people walking by can hear the music would boost attendance. Last night it was mostly the band's family and friends that were there and these bands definitely deserved an audience. No pictures, sorry. I forgot my camera. I did take some with my phone, so if I figure out how to get those onto my blog, I'll post them.      

Living in the moment

I find myself feeling overwhelmed with life and all there is in it. The world of things to do and learn is massive and interesting. There are all the household chores which, in reality, could take up an entire lifetime in themselves. Then there are the responsibilities of being a mom. I want to nurture and love my children making sure not to ignore any of them and give them what each of them needs individually. I want to spend individual time with each of them and show them love in the individual way that they receive it. Then there is school. I want my children to love learning and just drink it up. I love to learn and want that for them. Of course they need to know Math, English, Science, Social studies, and Health in grades 1-6. Then there is being a wife, and I want to be the best wife there is for my husband. Then, there's all the things I want to learn and do like music, and photography, and writing, and painting, and reading, and dancing, and going to film festivals and art museums. Let's not forget that I must do this all responsibly too. All this can get completely overwhelming! So, I bring this to God and He says, -Live in the present moment. This will greatly simplify your life. Be thankful and grateful. Notice the little things. Spend time with people. Spend time with your children. Find joy in the little things and stop waiting for large events. Lots of little things add up to big things. Do the little things well and precise and with pleasure and you will live in joy. You will be able to see the beauty in everything and nurture your kids in small moments that would normally pass you by.

Thanks Lord. Another fire extinguished. Live in the moment and all my borrowed worries go away. Jesus says, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries of it's own." Amen to that. So, I'm off to do the things I have planned to do today, and I going to try not to think about what I'll do when my kids are in high school, or even what I'll do if my kids get offered a spot at the charter. Today I am a homeschooler, wife, musician, mother and a beautiful woman.   

Fully Loved

I am sad and confused right now. I was somewhat de-validated, if that's a word, about something I heard from God from someone I respect spiritually. I know the obvious thing would be to listen to God, but it brings doubts into my mind about whether or not I heard God right. This is very hard and discouraging. It makes me feel like I am so easily swayed. I hate feeling this way. I hate that I care so much about what other people think of me. I hate that other people's opinions sway me so much! Oh that the Lord would free me from this. I know that if I could be brought to a point of acceptance and understanding of His love and grace for me (real understanding where I not only know it with my head, but truly believe it in my heart), that I would be set free...free in Christ to live fully in His love. What a wonderful thing that would be. The thing I ask the Lord for almost daily is not money, or "security", or health, or acceptance by man. I ask Him for freedom! To live in freedom would be to release me from all the former and  allow me to live. To live not out of a need to exist, but out of a need to thrive, to love and to be fully expressed.

Stuff

Why is it that we, as humans, can acquire so much stuff? I feel like I am surrounded by stuff that clutters up my life, yet when I go to purge (even though I do get rid of a lot) I find that most of it feels like a requirement! Yuck!!! I want it all gone. My dad recently had to condense his life possessions down to two suitcases and a carry-on, since he is moving to Africa, and I don't know how he did it. Now, he wasn't bringing any furniture, but even if I got rid of all my furniture, and even if I purged all my kitchen stuff, I would still be surrounded by stuff! So, I am going to challenge myself to take a long hard look at what is in my life and what is really a requirement and then get rid of the rest! Wouldn't that be refreshing? I purged a lot before our move, but it seems like we have more stuff now than ever. So, wish me luck...or better yet, pray for me.   

New Perspective

Well, as I travel down the road of life, sometimes I end up in a well known destination with a new mindset about being there. 

As I prayed this week about the school decision, I felt like the Lord told me that He wanted me to homeschool. He pointed out one of my children and told me they have a special need that I need to nourish and protect for the time being. 

I hate to admit this, but part of the struggle that went on in my mind, is that I have already publicly announced the fact that I will not be homeschooling anymore and now have to take that back. Many times logic, or my logic, can justify something or make it seem like a good and right answer to a problem, but the Lord's logic is not my logic and I have to trust Him.

I have had to ask the Lord's forgiveness many times about trying to push him aside so I can just run the world already without his interference. He must chuckle about that, or worse, know that I have a lack of respect and trust for him. He is not surprised by this, He knows my heart. I think I am the only one surprised...I am only beginning to know my heart.

So for now on this journey, I am still homeschooling, but with less fear of those that are different than I am and less need to be exclusive with my relationships. I am hoping to love people for the people they are, not the culture and status they are, and I am hoping to teach my kids to do the same. 

Hormones

Hormones are one of those blessing/curse things. I am not authorized to speak on behalf of men, never having been one, but for woman it is a cycle of REAL emotions being drawn out by our hormones. Let me explain. Just because something bothers me when I am going through PMS, doesn't mean that it de-validates the emotion I am going through. I am really upset. Even if I recognize that I am hormonal, it does not in any way change how I feel. On the same note, just because I think my husband is the sexiest man alive when I am ovulating, doesn't mean that he isn't really that attractive to me when I am not ovulating. It is just more intensified. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that hormones are like money. Having more of them, or it, at any given time, just magnifies who you really are and what you really feel. So, if you catch me screaming at my kids or husband or cuddling my kids and making out with my husband, know that these emotions are always there, just when I get a little extra kick of hormones, they are, lets call it, more colorful. So please, if you should happen to suspect that a woman you know is having a hormonal issue, DO NOT EVER POINT IT OUT!

Disclaimer: This post was not brought on by my husband commenting on my attitude. It was more of an internal conviction. 

Gratefulness

Today, as we were walking around the Wild Animal Park, I just felt so grateful to be back in Southern California. It was a beautiful day and there was so much foliage everywhere! I never realized how lush California was until I moved to Colorado and then came back. Don't get me wrong, when I was in Colorado I loved it there too. I loved the seasons and the snow and the prairie with it's rolling hills. I especially loved just before sundown when the sun made everything look surreal and golden. I loved the cows and horses everywhere. I also loved the unpredictable weather and exciting storms. (It's always nice to have something to be dramatic about!) 

However, I love California. I especially love the area we are in. It is very nice. Lots of mature trees and growth. I'll take that over large, new houses anyday....well, that's how I feel right now, but who knows, my mind is flexible.

P.S. Don't forget to vote on my poll.

 

Traveling

This road we find ourselves on is a tricky one. Full of twists and turns and bumps and holes. The Lord is teaching me how to stop and smell the roses alongside the road. The more I stop to find the beauty and blessings around me at the moment that they are occurring, the more I love the road. I have a bad habit of looking to the future to find my joy. Planning, hoping and preparing for "something great", but all the while being discontent with the road I am on. Lately, (the last few months) I've been able to see the things around me and be grateful. It has made all the difference. I feel richly blessed. I am living the ultimate life. I am more able to do things I have wanted to do, because I am living in the moment and day. I pray that I can only get better at this. That the Lord will keep working this through me. I am convinced gratefulness is the key to unlocking happiness.   

New Blog

I am switching my blog over to blogspot from homeschool blogger. I am doing this because I have decided to stop homeschooling at this point in the life of my family. I am not going to pretend that I know what our future holds, not even our near future, as God has shown me that His plans are greater than mine. Overall, I am glad of it, as life would be completely boring if I knew everything that were going to happen and all that I needed to know. I have named this blog "Freedom", because that is the theme of my life right now. To my current knowledge, freedom is the opposite of fear. And I am tired of fear. It separates us from one another. It causes us to hide away and only want to be around those that are like ourselves. I don't want to live like that anymore. It leads to death. If it's all about relationship, and I believe it is, freedom is living in relationship with the Lord and being so convinced of His love for you that you are set free from religion; set free from the box we try to put God into. It is also living in relationship with the people in the world around us. Real relationship, where we love one another, not trying to constantly outdo each other or impress each other. It's valuing the relationship above our rights. 

This is what I'm coming to understand. Whether or not I'll feel the same way in a year, or even a few months, I have no clue.